Do-ing vs. Be-ing

A 9 year old boy once said to me in a therapy session, "We are human beings, not human doings."  When he said this, I was sure he was just about the smartest 9 year old I had ever met.  Since then I've heard that quote other times, in other places, enough to know that it probably wasn't his original thought, but I do think often of the wisdom in that quote, and often wish that our western world would slow down just a little bit so we could really enjoy the "being" part of our nature.

We've all heard of the Type A and Type B personality theory.  Type A personalities are described as having a sense or urgency and importance about everything they do.  They are competitive and achievement oriented, and place less emphasis on relaxation and fun.  Type B personalities are described as the opposite.  They're patient, relaxed, and easy-going.  Lacking a sense of urgency, they seem to live in the moment without a lot of concern about direction or choice.

Personally, I identify more with the former category, and have wished my entire life to be a little more Type B.  I must have had some success, because my husband (a Type B) frequently describes me as a Type C personality, which, in his words, is "Type A about turning into Type B."  At least he can have a sense of humor about it...and that would be the Type B in him again.  Go figure.

The healthy truth is that balance is good.  We are human beings, but we wouldn't survive without doing, and as parents, it is important for us to be able to model a healthy balance of being and doing for our children.  It is critical to the development of self-worth.  An over emphasis on doing creates anxiety and stress.  An over emphasis on being creates apathy and indifference.  Neither is healthy.

In reality, it's difficult to strike a balance.  How do you get an overly anxious child to relax and enjoy life?  And what about the child who refuses to even acknowledge the existence of homework?  Is there any hope at all?

Think of this as an experiment.  You acknowledge that self worth in children comes from feeling valued, and know that you play a critical role in the development of self-worth.  Then, as with all experiments, you can't be sure where it will lead, but all attempts are feedback which will lead to new discoveries and new experiments.  (Safety goggles are not required but should be available in case of emergency.)

• Start by taking a few days to notice what you value in your child.  Do they make you laugh?  Are they smart?  Do you have a self-starter?  Are they kind?  Make a list...or not.  What did you notice?  
• Notice your reaction when you see what you value in your child.  Did you smile?  Did you acknowledge it to them?  Remember, every child deserves to look into the face of a parent and see delight.
• Decide which of the things you value would go in the "doing" category, and which would go in the "being" category.  If you're the list making type, would the "doing" list be longer than the "being" list or vice versa?
• Think of a small step that might help balance the list.  If your child is loaded with "being" traits, how can you encourage more "doing" qualities?  Would adding/removing motivators help them move toward a goal?  If the "doing" category is becoming a little too heavy, how can you encourage your child in more of the "being" traits?
• Use your relationship with  your child to help accomplish more balance in being/doing categories.  When you join with your child in what it is you would like them to accomplish, they are more likely to engage.
• Catch your child doing things in the area that seems most unbalanced.  If your child is content to just be, catch them working toward a goal and become excited about it.

Warning:  It is also important to be aware of the uncomfortable emotions that come up in the process of this experiment.  Being aware can lead to acknowledgement of difficult and sometimes painful feelings about parenting.  Not acknowledging those feelings can lead to resentment, which certainly your child will hear in your voice and see on your face.  It's all feedback to a child.  Disapproval can inadvertently lead to feelings of low self-worth.  Noticing the uncomfortable might be a step best accomplished in small doses, and if you find yourself stuck in the process, try talking it out with a spouse, a friend, a sibling... or a therapist.

Remember, start small.  The goal is balance.  As a recovering Type A personality, I can honestly say the grass is green on both sides of the fence.  There is a lot to be gained in those being moments, and starting small can actually be the most rewarding part of the process.  Don't worry about staying too long on the observation phase of your experiment.  You'll be surprised what happens through observation alone.

Just notice.

Notice your child.

Notice your reactions.

Notice their responses to your reactions.

Notice them.

And tell them you noticed.