Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!  

To all those who made the commitment and took the challenge, kudos to you.

As the challenge has progressed, I've received emails, messages, and comments from people who are working hard at engaging in gentler, more loving interactions with those they love.

I've enjoyed hearing how this experience has affected others, and think some of the best insights come from experiences.

For those who are willing, I'm requesting for you to share those experiences.  No need to post or comment publicly.  If you'd prefer you can email me at solutions.mary@gmail.com   Later in the week I'll post anonymous insights that are shared with me.  

Let me know what you think.  Was it difficult?  Easier than you thought?  Did you have support?  Did it get easier as  you went along?  Which tips did you identify with most?  What was your experience with repairs?  Will you continue this challenge?  

Hats off to all of you who attempted to change or focus more on relationships.

Enjoy your day.  Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy the gifts, but most of all enjoy relationships with those you love.

Day Thirteen: The Power of Sleep

Not surprisingly, sleep plays a huge role in emotional regulation.  A lack of sleep increases stress and anxiety, which in turn can affect sleep.  Anger, irritability, and depression also increase with a lack of sufficient sleep.  Memory and concentration problems, which create a cycle of frustration leading to angry responses, can also be connected to sleep problems.

When I work with clients, whether they are children or adults, one of the first issues we discuss is sleep regulation.  Frequently, parents (and grandparents caring for children) are amazed at how gradually adjusting and increasing sleep can result in decreased problems with behavior and emotional regulation.

Changing sleep patterns and/or increasing sleep can be difficult, and sometimes takes months to accomplish.  Gradual changes and attention to environmental details are key.

• Keep track of environment leading up to bedtime.  Slowing things down (both for adults and children) about an hour before bedtime can start to signal the brain that sleep is coming.
• Develop routines in the hour leading up to bedtime.  Predictable routines also signal to the brain that sleep is coming.
• For adults, if eliminating caffeine isn't possible, eliminate caffeine in the last part of the day.  And it seems like a no-brainer, but children should never have caffeine.  It not only interferes with their sleep, it also contributes to unhealthy development of neural pathways in the brain through periods of hyperactivity followed by periods of exhaustion and low energy.
• Find activities other than TV or screen time in the hour or hours leading up to sleep.  Light affects the chemicals responsible for healthy sleep patterns.  Many adults and children fall asleep to television, interfering with the production of brain chemicals which signal sleep. 
• Changes in sleep times can also interrupt quality of sleep and should be made gradually.  Start by waking up earlier, then gradually move bedtime forward by 10 or fifteen minutes per week.  This works for both adults and children.
• If sleep (or lack of) is an issue in your life, set aside a block of 2-4 weeks to adjust environment and sleep times.  Eliminate evening engagements, visits from family and friends, etc. while these changes are happening.
• Seek medical advice if necessary.  Sleep isn't always an environmental issue.

Sleep can be a huge contributor to the ability to emotionally regulate.  If you notice that a lack of sleep is a problem, begin making adjustments.  Sleep is a powerful tool in combating problems related to stress and emotional regulation.

Day Twelve: Boundaries

The phrase "healthy boundaries" is often misinterpreted.  People sometimes think if no one ever crosses them, they have healthy boundaries.   In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Yelling, shouting, and hostile responses are often the result of boundary violations.  The eruptions are secondary to emotions that aren't expressed, such as hurt, shame, and disappointment.  Passive responses are equally destructive because they lead to resentment and anger which can leak out in vindictive and hostile actions.

Anger in either form is considered an ultimate boundary.  The clear message is, "Don't mess with me," and the end result is that those around us will give up trying.  The chance of an uncaring response or angry explosion isn't worth the human risk of crossing boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are simply a recognition that I exist separately from you.  Where healthy boundaries exist, you are able to let go of the outcome.  When you set a boundary and find yourself following up with reminders, prompts, and even bribes, you sacrifice boundaries for control and the clear message is, "I'm afraid I'm not enough," or "I don't trust myself."  The end result is relationships which become locked in a struggle of boundary attempts vs. manipulation.

The two keys to setting healthy boundaries are:

• Emotional honesty, i.e. being able to express how we feel without hurting others.  This doesn't mean waiting until we feel safe or waiting until we can guarantee the outcome to express ourselves.  It is simply recognizing a feeling, owning it, and expressing it in the form of a healthy response.
• Emotional responsibility, i.e. taking responsibility for our responses.  This includes owning and acknowledging a full range of emotions, from excitement and love to disappointment, frustration, and anger.  Equally important is being able to extend apologies when our emotional responses may have been hurtful to others, or may have crossed another person's boundaries.

The end result is a cycle of healthy boundaries.  Others become safe to feel hurt when they know you will extend a repair or sincere apology, and they become equally free to express love and affection.

Day Eleven: The Power of Small Change

As human beings, we are creatures of habit.  As much as we complain about routines, we crave familiarity.

Trying to break up familiar patterns can be difficult.  Often when we attempt changes, we habitually return to our old ways.

Day Ten's Tip was all about observing and noticing patterns, and using those observations as feedback for change.  Change is a powerful tool in disrupting patterns which lead to yelling, shouting, and hostile responses.

Huge changes can feel overwhelming.  Small changes can happen almost unexpectedly, and can be spontaneous, making them the perfect solution for trying to break up patterns which lead to angry responses.  If you can do something, anything, different, you can disrupt a pattern.  It's difficult to insert change in the heat of the moment, but if you've noticed patterns, make changes around those events.

• If you get dressed before you eat breakfast, try eating breakfast before getting dressed.  
• If you leave for work at 7:15, try leaving at 7:10.  
• If you eat tacos on Tuesdays, try something else instead.
• Wear something different.
• Sit in a different chair.
• Choose new favorite song.
• Move a few pieces of furniture.
• Drive a different route through the neighborhood.
• Take a vitamin.
• Go to bed 10 minutes earlier.
• So what small changes will you make today?  One small change might lead to a huge shift in patterns and perspective.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day Ten: What Have You Noticed?

Ten days into The Valentine's Challenge!

What have you noticed?  Is it getting easier?  More difficult?

Sometimes what we notice about our attempts to do something differently is our greatest teacher.

• Are certain times of day more difficult than others?
• Do certain sounds bother you?
• How do you respond to chaos?  Minor catastrophes?
• Are you starting to notice that certain tips work better for you than others?

Let the things that you notice become your teachers.  Think scientifically.  Observations will become feedback for future experiments.  Without the ability to observe and notice, you will repeat patterns that aren't working.  When you notice something works, do more of it.  When you notice triggers, try some changes or planning ahead to disrupt predictable patterns.

Day Nine: A Different To-Do List

Jobs, family, practices, mortgage, bills, meetings, meals, laundry, social engagements...  The list of demands on our time is endless, and is certainly a contributor to high frustration levels.

Today when you make your to-do list, choose 3 priorities for your day.  It might be work, family, house, or work, family, exercise...  Go ahead and choose 5 if you can't narrow it down to 3.  Family and interpersonal relationships should always make the list.  If you're exhausted from family obligations, fun or relaxation should make the list.

It is easy to become upset at the most important people in our life when we run out of time or emotional energy.  Those closest to us can become the object of resentment if we constantly feel pulled in a variety of different directions.

If you start with a priority list, it's easier to re-focus your limited amount of time and emotional energy on the things and people that are most important.  Imagine a phone call to do something that wasn't on your list.  How would you respond?  Imagine spending hours on a new phone ap or television program that caught your attention.  How will you handle those distractions?

Keep your priority list close by through the day.  When you get lost in the pull of daily demands, check your actions against your list.  If what you're doing in the moment doesn't match your priority list, shift gears.

A priority list vs. a to-do list also allows for flexibility.  An unplanned trip to the doctor for a sick child, or a problem with the plumbing or a lengthy homework project can fall easily under a family category while they might have been viewed as frustrations or distractions on a to-do list.

Use your priority list to re-direct focus and emotional energy to the things that matter to you most, and those things become the source of your energy rather than the source of frustration.

Day Eight: Slow It Down

Intense emotional responses are usually driven by strong feelings about issues that seem important in the moment.

When people try to change responses, they frequently spend a lot of time focusing on the issues and feelings behind the anger.  While those are important to understand, simply slowing things down can make a huge difference in the heat of the moment.

Next time you feel the anger rising, think "s‐l-o‐w."

Pretend like someone hit a slow motion button on the moment.

• Speak slower.
• Move slower.
• Respond slower.

The intensity of the moment will decrease and you'll find yourself thinking rather than reacting to events.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day Seven: Humor

The idea that humor relieves stress isn't new.  We know if we laugh when we're upset we feel better.

The shared emotional experience of laughter draws the anger out of situations which, prior to a humorous outlook, were viewed as threatening or challenging.

But in intense emotional exchanges, how do you let go of the anger and shift to humor?  Like anything else, it takes practice.

The sky is the limit for suggestions involving humor.  Be creative,  but remember that teasing, pushing buttons, and sarcasm are not considered humor.  If you have to say, "Come on.  That was funny," it might fall in the sarcasm category.

Try a few of these ideas to infuse humor into tense emotional exchanges:

• Speak with your nose plugged.
• Do something accidental that might be humorous.  There's nothing like an a slapstick move to get a laugh.
• Move intense conversations to a location where it's difficult to take yourselves seriously, like standing on the couch or sitting in the bathroom.
• Also use humor through the day with children to bring stress levels down.  
• Laugh at a few good jokes.  
• Watch a comedy routine on Youtube.  
• Have a laughing contest
• Recall humorous memories.

The goal is to take ourselves less seriously.  If it might be funny later, it can be funny now.

Day Six: It Takes Practice

In honor of this being one of the most-loved sports days in American culture, we'll go with a sports theme for our tip of the day.

I love this quote and wish I knew who said it.  "Good players practice until they get it right.  Great players practice until they never get it wrong."

Athletes who inspire others are the ones who are willing to push beyond exhaustion to achieve a goal.  They are the ones spending hours on a field while no one is watching to achieve mere moments of acknowledgement under the spotlight.  They are good at what they do because they keep trying.  Some may have natural ability and skill, but until they learn to control and direct that ability, their ability to make a contribution is limited.  For most great athletes, their will to push themselves is often the deciding factor between first and second place, or even between winning and losing.

Winning at relationships is equally important.  Setting a goal such as one set for the challenge this month is frightening because we aren't sure of our ability to succeed.

Being great at relationships takes practice.  Once we get it right, the challenge would be to keep practicing until we never get it wrong.

And no matter who wins Superbowl XLV, the opportunity to be great at relationships with friends, children, spouses (and even the crazy driver in the lane next to you) is worth hours and hours of grueling practice.

It will get easier.  After a while it may even start to feel natural.  And even though you might not get your moment in the spotlight for all those hours and hours of practice, you'll hold a place of esteem in the hearts of the people who matter most.

Day Five: Snapshots

A snapshot is a usually spontaneous shot of a moment which, through the magic of film, becomes frozen in time.

Besides accomplishing the obvious goal of preserving memories, snapshots can also provide us with a unique perspective of people, events, and memories.

Imagine for a minute that you have the ability to freeze moments of your day in snapshot form.

If you were standing behind a camera taking a snapshot of that moment, what would you see?

Next imagine looking through the camera lens of another person.  If they were behind the camera, what would they capture in their snapshot?  Would you see a different picture?

This is especially true in looking at moments filled with emotion.  A view from the outside can often provide a much-needed shift in perspective.

It's worth taking a step back to imagine a different view.  Try it.  Carry a camera around with you for a day if it helps.  You'll be surprised what you "see."

Day Four: Mini Breaks

When you were a kid and took breaks throughout the day it was called "recess" and we all know recess is everyone's favorite subject!

As adults we need breaks too.  As we go throughout our day, stress tends to build unless it is released.  While we'd all love to have time to sit back and relax, or go for a long run or out to lunch with friends, we don't always have that kind of time available in our day.

Mini-breaks are the perfect solution.

• Pay attention to sounds around you.  Notice what you hear and how it makes you feel and eliminate unnecessary noise.  
• Take a few deep breaths.  Breathe in through your nose, and exhale through your mouth.
• Do some brief muscle stretches.
• Sip a cold or warm drink
• Laugh!

Kids sometimes need mini-breaks too.  If you have a child that is prone to blow-ups, take a few minutes through the day modify some of the above suggestions for kids.

• Count sounds.  Count things they see that are green, or things that start with the letter "M."  You're helping them take time to notice their environment.
• Blow bubbles.  It forces breathing regulation.  You can also use bubble gum or blow up a balloon.
• Do animal stretches.  See how many animals movements you can imitate.
• Suck on a popcycle or sip some hot chocolate.
• Talk in a funny made-up language.

The goal is to prevent stress from building through the day.  It only takes a few minutes to manage stress levels and it's easy.  You can take breaths or tell jokes while waiting in the car at a stoplight or school drop-off line, or while standing in line at a grocery store.  If you can prevent stress from building in a day, you can eliminate a lot of potential blow-ups!

Day Three: Energy Matching

Have you ever noticed days have energy?  There are days with high energy, low energy, and everything in between.

Have you also noticed that children always have energy?  And most of the time they aren't stressed.  The energy of the day doesn't seem to matter to them.  Unless there is something seriously wrong in their world, they meet the day with enthusiasm and excitement.

Adults, on the other hand, are prone to low energy levels and high stress.  The combination of an adults low energy/high stress level, and a child's high energy/low stress level can often lead to family explosions.

So how do adults manage such hazardous combinations?

The solution is to moderate energy output to match the energy and stress levels of the day.  The first focus and priority should always be relationships, and other demands can be adjusted.

On a high stress, low energy day, adding more pressure can only lead to more stress, and eventually explosions.  If you're having one of "those days" it might be a good day to order pizza and watch a movie.  Or go out to eat.  Or let the dishes sit in the sink and play.  It sounds like a no brainer, but how may people do you know who pressure themselves to get everything accomplished on their daily checklist but hurt the people they love in the process?  When there is a limited amount of energy available, conserve for important relationships and make adjustments to external demands.

Of course there are a number of stress/energy combinations, and children don't always fall into the high energy/low stress category.  Parents should be aware of children's energy and stress levels and adjust demands as necessary.

Ultimately, as we match the energy of the day with reasonable expectations of ourselves and those around us, the possibility for shouting, yelling, or harsh responses is decreased.

Good luck keeping up with the challenge!

Day Two: Cool It Off With Repairs

So did you make it through Day One?

I didn't.  I yelled once.  All I can say is he's 14.

But I did remember Rule # 5 and apologized.

Which leads us to Day Two's tip:

Perfect the art of repairs in relationships.

Repairs are a great way to cool things off.  If we take the time to apologize, we redirect emotional energy into the relationship instead of holding rigidly to whatever caused the rift to begin with.

With apologies, stress levels drop, which ultimately is the goal if you're trying to keep your cool.


My Day One ended well.  I was able to hang out with my teen later in the evening when everyone else left to run errands.  The moment of frustration hadn't lasted longer than a few seconds, and certainly didn't define our day.

So if you're not always successful and keeping your cool, remember Rule #5 of the challenge:  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day One: Build Social Supports

For most people, support systems come in the form of family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and church or community organizations.

If you feel overwhelmed, connect with other human beings.  Connections lead to a sense of belonging, and feelings of increased security.

If you don't have social supports, look for opportunities to build support.  Volunteer.  Join a church or community group.  Turn off the TV and connect with family or friends.

Evaluate.  If you find yourself in friendships or organizations that don't feel balanced (i.e. don't give back), then find ways to limit those contacts.  Set good boundaries, and limit involvements that aren't necessary.

Don't pressure yourself to build social supports during times of stress.  Instead focus on connecting in small ways with other human beings.  Start a conversation with the checker at the grocery store.  Smile at a child.  Take your dog to a dog park instead of walking them alone.  Hang out with your children at the park or community recreation spots.

Find out more about our Valentine's Day Challenge.