Let The Challenge Begin!

The Valentine's Day challenge starts tomorrow!

Join us in taking a pledge of no yelling, shouting, screaming, blow-ups, fits, hostile or impatient responses, or disrespect.

And the rules are simple:

1)  No shouting, yelling, screaming, or disrespect toward those you love.
2)  Write down your commitment.
3)  Give your commitment as a gift.  The timing isn't important.  Commit out loud ahead of time, or give your gift as a surprise.
4)  Get others to commit also.  It's easier if you don't have to do it alone.
5)  Don't give up.  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.


And the tip of the day is this:

Practice the rules of the playground.

• Walk away.
• Count to 10 (or 100).
• Tell a friend.
• Get help.

A New Kind of Gift

February is just around the corner.

Stores are stocked with aisles of sticky, gooey goodness, adorable stuffed animals, brightly decorated cards, and assorted other Valentine's gifts.

Have you decided yet what you'll give your loved ones this Valentine's Day?

Will it be chocolate?  Candy?  A card?  Flowers?

What about a pledge?

I know.  It's not on the list of usual gifts for Valentine's Day, and you won't find it on the seasonal aisle of your favorite grocery store, but maybe this is the year to try something new.

Here's the challenge:

Commit to 14 days (from February 1st to February 14th) of no yelling, shouting, screaming, blow-ups, fits, hostile or impatient responses, or disrespect.

Commit to 14 days of respectful communication.

Commit to 14 days of giving those closest to you the gift of loving responses.

(And just for the record, it is true that sometimes the most loving response you could give would be to walk away.)

The reality is that no one is going to go 14 days without getting buttons pushed, but imagine the freedom of being able to get your needs met without shouting.

I talk to a lot of adults who believe that yelling and shouting are normal parts of family communication.  "Don't you have to yell to get children to listen?"

But what if it doesn't have to be the reality?  With all the media and cultural focus on civility, maybe now is a good time to start practicing the art of being civil with those we love most.

Ready for the rules?

1)  No shouting, yelling, screaming, or disrespect toward those you love.
2)  Write down your commitment.
3)  Give your commitment as a gift.  The timing isn't important.  Commit out loud ahead of time, or give your gift as a surprise.
4)  Get others to commit also.  It's easier if you don't have to do it alone.
5)  Don't give up.  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.

The idea is to commit.  Do your best.  Reduce the friction and increase the closeness in interpersonal relationships.  It's an opportunity to experience yourself and experience those you love in a new way.

So are you in?

(For those taking the challenge, look for daily tips, ideas and anecdotes between February 1st and February 14th.)

Considering Development In Goal Setting

How many slams in an old screen door? 
Depends how loud you shut it. 
How many slices in a bread? 
Depends how thin you cut it. 
How much good inside a day? 
Depends how good you live 'em. 
How much love inside a friend? 
Depends how much you give 'em.
~Shel Silverstein

Curiosity compels children to be natural learners.  With constantly developing minds and bodies they are compelled by development to learn and try new things almost daily.  But age is an important criteria in determining how formal the goal setting process should be.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

1. Goals based on accomplishment of a specific task are not necessary up through preschool years.  At this age, achievement should be limited to developmental tasks.
2. A parent's role at this age is to provide structure, boundaries and opportunities to succeed at various tasks.  At this age, children have vivid imaginations, which can be engaged through play as they learn new skills.  At the same time, their lack of ability to separate reality from fantasy creates unnecessary disappointment and an artificial sense of achievement if children are exposed to highly competitive activities.  Look for activities where participation and skills building is rewarded over keeping score or performing.
3. Connecting goals to developmental tasks eliminates the risk of tying self-worth to elements beyond the child's control.  Eventually they will accomplish developmental tasks.  If they are behind developmentally, reward attempts and approximations to keep them trying.  Seek professional help if concerns about development continue.
4. Help unmotivated children make a game out of frustrating developmental tasks such as dressing, buttoning, zipping, tying, and cleaning up messes.  The presence of a parent in accomplishing developmental tasks increases the firing of neurons in a child's brain, and their opportunities for success at tasks increases.
5. During these years, children develop emotional autonomy, and are great at giving natural feedback about whether a goal is theirs or not.  (What parent hasn't heard "No!" from their toddler?)  Children circle through attempting autonomous tasks and returning to their parents for support.  If parents are dismissive or inattentive, children become more easily frustrated because they can't connect with needed support systems.  Many behavioral concerns start at this age if children are compelled by parent response (or lack of) to engage in attention seeking behaviors.  Similarly, when parents force ideas, goals, plans, etc. on children at this age, they will retreat emotionally and become insecure.  Balance and support are key to achieving success at this age.

Elementary School Years:

1. Beyond the toddler and preschool years, competence becomes a major milestone for emotional development.  In typically developing children, this milestone takes place between the ages of 7 and 11 years old.  Not coincidentally, at the same time children are mastering this stage of development, their intellectual development becomes oriented around problem solving.  As children's minds are naturally compelled through development to combine problem solving with a drive for emotional competence, this becomes an ideal age to introduce goal setting.  
2. As children set and reach goals, they gain a greater sense of self determination and begin to master the skill of combining their own unique problem solving abilities to guide their life and behavior.  
3. Goal setting can help children start to understand connections between their personal choices and end results.  Again, reward approximations and attempts in children who have difficulty accomplishing tasks.  In the absence of feeling competent, children begin to feel inferior about their abilities in relation to their peers.  
4. Parents can discuss goals with their children but choices and ownership are important to the accomplishment of emotional, cognitive, and physical development at this age.  Parents can offer choices, limits, and support in guiding the goal making process.  For example, it is acceptable for a parent to allow a certain number of activities, or to offer rewards for participation in things children might not attempt on their own.  Again, rewarding the attempt becomes important at encouraging children to continue trying.  
5. If children suggest goals where the outcome is out of their control (such as making 5 new friends at recess), parents can redirect the goal to something within their control (such as saying "hi" to 5 new people at recess.)
6. Goals should be individual.  I once heard a mom say in therapy, "Everyone in our family plays sports, so she needs to choose a sport.  And dancing is not a sport."  What the child heard was:  I don't belong to this family, and what I value and want to be good at isn't important to them.  Encouraging individuality encourages exploration and healthy development.

Teen Years:
(No, the words goal and teen are not oxymorons.)

1. Put your relationship first.  Teen development is based on physical and emotional autonomy.  They naturally pull away from parents, but when parents can exist in a supportive role, teens continue to turn to their families for support.  (Support does not mean enabling.)
2. Teens have likely already developed interests and feelings of competence in certain areas.  Continue to support them in these pursuits, but don't be surprised if their interests change.  Teen years are also a time where they experiment with identity.  They discover which parts of their identity are more fixed (such as race, gender, culture, etc.) and which parts of their identity are unique (talents, abilities, hobbies, interests, religion, etc.).  While there are a number of factors that affect the successful formation of identity, certainly one of those is control of the parts of their lives that make them unique.
3. Even if...  Control over their future becomes important even if...  Even if you spent thousands of dollars on dance lessons and now they're done dancing.  Even if they're poised for an athletic scholarship for college.  Even if...  You get the idea.
4. But not if...  Control over their future is good, but not if...  Not if their choices about their future involve hurting themselves or others.  Not if their choices about their future involve illegal activity.  Not if their choices aren't safe.  Not if their choices aren't healthy.
5. The same push-you-away and pull-you-close routine that took place at two is taking place again during the teen years.  Be there when they need you to be close, watch from a distance when they need freedom, as long as their choices are safe and healthy.  If you burn the relationship bridge by withdrawing approval and affection, you've lost the opportunity to give any input at all.
6. Support new interests.  If you encourage healthy exploration you help your teen understand that possibilities aren't fixed, and they become lifelong learners.  Remember:  "Even if..."
7. Don't tie their accomplishments to your ego.  It isn't necessary to draw a lot of attention to interests and abilities.  Some kids my like the spotlight, but most will withdraw if parents take ownership of interests and accomplishments.  Support becomes a secondary role at this age.

The sky is the limit!

Goals: Yours or Theirs?

I've said before I don't watch a lot of TV, so I know I was probably the last one on the planet to there was a television show called "Toddlers and Tiaras."  This show chronicles the lives of children and their families as they prepare for and participate in beauty pageants.

Last week when I couldn't sleep I found myself channel surfing and came across this program.  The contestants being followed included an infant whose mother said she "prayed to God for the next Miss America."  Mom also spray tanned her infant prior to the pageant so she could win the grand title.  After the infant didn't perform she was given "special juice" which was a caffeinated beverage, then in commenting on her infant's performance, the mother felt bad for her infant and was sure she was disappointed.  (I'm sure the child's only disappointment was not getting her nap that day.)

Another 5 year old contestant was forced and threatened to practice for the program, then held her down and forced her to get her eyebrows waxed prior to the pageant.  When the daughter's tantrum escalated during the eyebrow waxing, the mother blamed it on an earlier bad experience with eyebrow waxing.

Really?  It's not normal to scream if you're restrained and tortured?

And what happened after the same mother hauled her screaming daughter away from the cameras while threatening her?

In my mind this show is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.  Don't get me started on the fact that there weren't boys in this competition, or that little girls (future women of America) were being judged on poise and beauty...  And I'm sure those same mothers' eyes would glaze over if we started a discussion over infant brain development, sleep and caffeine.  So for today let's keep it simple.

If we're just sticking with the January theme of goal setting, it begs the question:  At what point does the goal belong to the child, and at what point does it belong to the parent?  (And I'm sorry, but you can't argue for a minute that an infant had a goal to win a grand title of a beauty pageant, or that a five year old woke up one morning and asked to have her unibrow waxed.)

Guidelines For Parents:

• Fragile egos:  Parents with fragile egos often tie their own success as parents to the accomplishment of their children's goals.  It is important to support your child's self-determination and development, but if you find yourself too emotionally connected to an outcome, step back and evaluate.  As parents, when we see our children as amazing individuals, their wings will take them in a lot of directions we might not have ever dreamed for them.
• Are children achieving goals or developing as healthy, autonomous individuals?  If their lives become a checklist measured by points, grades, scores, and titles, they risk losing the individuality that makes them a human being.  If goals get in the way of development or relationships, set them aside for a while and evaluate again later.
• Attempts:  Don't expect perfection.  Encourage children to set goals in increments.  Reward attempts and approximations, even imperfect ones.  A shot that comes close to scoring is worth recognition.  A grade that comes close to passing might reflect a last minute effort.  Art with realistic displays of flaws could be the next Van Gogh.  
• Build on strengths:  Think of something your child already does well and encourage expansion.  Do they already enjoy reading?  What reward might they earn if they choose to read a new genre of books?  Do they love basketball?  How can they safely explore a new sport without failing?
• External vs. internal motivation:  Offer rewards for trying new things or achieving goals as needed, but also look for opportunities to develop internal motivation.  What encouragement can you give that would provide the same motivation as an external reward?
• Create a supportive environment.  Provide daily routines and structure which supports a balance of free time and working toward homework and other tasks, including daily chores. Check your environment for things that distract from accomplishing goals such as noise confusion, clutter, and changing expectations and make modifications where possible.
• If it doesn't work out:  Goal achievement is based on typical physical, emotional, and mental development.  If children fall outside of this category, it is easy to become discouraged.  Remember that You Are A Good Parent and your journey may not be the same one your friends are taking.  Your path and your child's path is no less important.  Seek help as needed, and be amazed at what can unfold.  Disabilities might even lead to huge contributions.  You may or may not have heard of Temple Grandin.  She is an adult with Autism and a PhD who was named in the 2010 edition of Time as one of the people who most affect our world.  She said, "A treatment method or educational method that will work for one child may not work for another child."   If it doesn't work out, it may be the method, and not the child that is broken. 

Look for more information next week on age appropriate goal setting.

New Year's Wishes

January theme:  Happy New Year!  Have you made any resolutions yet?  Have you broken any resolutions yet?

With the old year behind us and a fresh slate of days ahead, it's natural for us to think of growth and progression.  It's also natural to become discouraged, and quickly abandon new possibilities.  So how do we balance the human quest for moving forward with the tendency to give up when things get difficult?

Several years ago I heard a statistic that 25% of adults break their New Year's resolutions within the first week of January.  I remember thinking:  Really?  In the first week?  At the same time I knew I had probably been in that 25% more than once in my life and started thinking about how I might beat the odds.

The next day I had a brilliant idea.  I'd cheat.  I wouldn't set New Year's resolutions in the first week of the year.  I'd wait until 25% of the population had abandoned their goals so I wouldn't fall into that category, and set all my goals the 2nd week of the year.

(Flawed.  I know.  But I like odds to be in my favor.)

The next year I heard another annoying statistic.  Did you know that fewer than 50% of us make it past June with our New Year's resolutions still in tact?  That year I didn't make any New Year's resolutions.

Then buried somewhere in the hype that surrounded the new millennium in 2000, I remember hearing that many cultures focus on the idea of New Year's wishes in stead of New Year's resolutions.  That year I made New Year's wishes.  It was the perfect solution to beating the odds.

And it worked.  (Kind of.)

Ironically, my quest to avoid failure had me traveling an unexpected path of growth that had once seemed impossible.  Without realizing it, my wishes created footprints of possibilities and the images of those footprints began to take the form of steps.  The persistence in achieving goals came from the real desires of my heart and not from an external expectation.  Ultimately,  my journey of self-discovery unfolded into an experience of permanent change, which is what I had been trying to achieve all along.

But before you get out your magic wand, it's also important to consider that it takes both persistence and wishes to achieve success.  The footprints of possibilities have to eventually form steps in order for dreams to be realized.

And in the process of combining wishes with persistence, it would be good to throw in a dose of resilience for good measure.

In the world of psychology, the term flexibility refers to the psychological and cognitive possibility of spontaneously being able to restructure knowledge, beliefs, expectations, etc. based on the demands and disappointments of life.

So when your wishes don't come true, and persistence yields disappointment (which it assuredly will), adapt and change.

Make new wishes.

Set new goals.

Persist in a new way.

And on December 31st, 2011, if you find that all your goals and wishes haven't realized, you will be like everyone else...incredibly human.

So whether or not you began your year with resolutions, consider making a New Year's wish.  The outcome might surprise you.

Look for more ideas this month about setting goals, helping children set goals, and helping children develop resilience as part of the January theme of New Year's resolutions.