Beat Summer Boredom

If you're a parent you've heard the words, "I'm bo-ored!"

Summer can be a difficult time to come up with ideas to keep kids busy (and certainly most of us don't want electronics to be the only option on the summer boredom buster list).  The list is amazing.  Read on.

I work with an 8-10 year old group of girls in church, and recently we had a party to kick off summer.  As part of the activity, the girls all brought ideas of things they could do when they're bored during the summer.  Smart girls!

I was careful to make sure that (for the most part) electronics and screen time didn't make the list.  Kids who are active and continue to be engaged in learning during the summer avoid the dreaded "summer brain drain".  I was surprised how excited the girls were about the list
One little girl even called it, "my summer schedule."

Adult involvement in engaging children in meaningful activity is also important.  As relational beings, our human brains create more excitability when neurons fire in the context of attachment relationships.  This increased activity increases the strength of neural pathways that are formed during these interactions.  Summer activity isn't just a way to kill time, it also plays a huge role in  brain development.

So if you're already hearing, "I'm bo-ored," consider getting some of those neurons firing with ideas from this list.  Feel free to borrow and copy.  The ideas certainly aren't original.  Also feel free to add ideas.  Enjoy summer!

• Draw a picture
• Read a book
• Play dress up
• Write a funny story
• Put on a play
• Build an indoor tent with blankets
• Send someone a card or letter
• Make your own movie
• Have a dance off
• Sing with your favorite music
• Go on a nature hunt
• Make hand puppets and put on a show
• Make a necklace of things with holes in them (noodles, beads, buttons)
• Decorate a box for your summer treasures
• Do an art project
• Go to the library
• Look up craft projects online to make with things you have at home
• Make up a treasure hunt for a friends or younger kids
• You and your friends pretend like you just met on a vacation
• Do service for someone
• Cook or bake something
• Ask your mom or dad what you can do to help
• Play 20 questions
• Paint fingernails, toenails, or do make-overs
• Go on a walk and see how many items of a certain color you can find.
• Sports, sports, sports!  They never get old!  Any sport!
• Make up a new sport.
• Invent a sport or game with common objects
• Have someone teach you an old fashioned game like jacks or marbles
• Make a list of things you like about a friend, or family, or school...anything!
• Make a pet rock
• Care for someone’s pet.
• Go on a gnome hunt in your neighborhood.
• Make up a song on the piano or singing with friends
• Splash in the puddles on a warm, rainy day.  See how wet you can get.
• Run through sprinklers
• You and friends try to go 15 minutes without speaking...just make up signs.
• Make up a new alphabet and language.
• Find categories of things around the neighborhood (wet things, hot things, orange things, soft things, etc.)
• Make up a story about someone you see walking down the street.
• Make toothpick snacks with marshmallows, cheese, fruit, or anything that will go on a toothpick.
• How many times can you run up and down your stairs?
• Can you catch cereal or popcorn in your mouth?
• Have a chalk art festival
• Have a tea party
• Make a backyard picnic
• Have a pudding fight followed by a water fight to wash off (outside of course)
• Learn a magic trick
• Make hair dye out of kool aid (outside of course)
• Make a foil sculpture
• Become a kitchen scientist (with supervision).  What happens when you mix things?
• Is there a world record you can break with friends?
• Gather used clothing to donate to a shelter or charity
• Start a summer collection:  rocks, dried flowers, water balloon scraps...anything!  How much can you collect by the end of summer?
• Count how many times you can make someone laugh in a single day
• Learn sign language or Morse Code
• Try a new food every Wednesday (or any day) all summer.
• Start with “A” and find items for every letter of the alphabet around your neighborhood...even “Q” and “X”.
• Play outside
• Make a bracelet
• Get in the shower
• Dance
• Jump on the trampoline
• Jump on a pogo stick
• Do Gymnastics
• Take a nap
• Camp outside
• Make bread
• Play on the playground
• Go on a hike
• Paper airplane flying contest
• Plant a garden, flower or tree.
• Roast marshmallows
• Collect popsicle sticks and see what you can make out of them
• Water fight!!!
• Cook out or party
• Make windmills
• Make paper hats
• Organize your room (your mom will be shocked)
• Learn how to sew, knit or crochet
• Write a list of all the things you can do when you’re bored!

(Admittedly, the list was created by girls, for girls...ask your boys to come up with their own list!  And sorry we missed the teen crowd on this one...certainly "hang out with friends" and "night games" would make that list.)

The Rules: Keep It Simple

When it comes to parenting, sometimes less is more.  While I'm certainly an advocate of intentional parenting, sometimes standing back and letting things go has it's merits.

Have you ever heard the term, "helicopter mom?"  Hovering leads to exhaustion, which leads to burn-out, and at the exhausted and burned out level, parenting is no longer enjoyable.  "Rules before relationship equals resistance."  Resistance is the level where the fun goes out of parenting.  If parenting becomes all about the routines and the rules, there is little time left to enjoy the relationships that made us all want to be parents to begin with.

A few ideas about keeping rules simple:

• Ask yourself if a rule is necessary for the situation.  Example:  No singing in the car.  That actually used to be a real rule at our house...until the rule became far more annoying than the singing.  The reason behind the rule:  We have a daughter who used to love to sing.  Her rule was to sing anytime, anywhere, the more singing the better.  But what's a girl to do when her brothers think singing is annoying?  Most of the time the answer was (to the brothers), "Go do something else."   Or if she'd been singing for a long time, she could go finish singing in her room.  But what about in the car?  The brothers couldn't get away, and the sister was only happy if she was singing...but since the brothers couldn't get away, the new rule was announced:  No singing in the car.  Then one day a song came on the radio that everyone but one family member wanted to sing.  The one family member whined the whole time that the rule was:  No singing in the car.  Get the picture?  As situations like that came up, it became apparent that the rule created more problems than it solved, and the rule was absolved in favor of lessons about courtesy and kindness.  It's working.  (Mostly.)
• Try the umbrella rule policy:  If one rule "covers" the others, try eliminating a few.  What do the following rules have in common?  1) Don't ride your bike without a helmet.  2)  Wear your seatbelt.  3) Don't leave toys on the stairs.  4) Don't throw things in the house.  See a common thread?  Hint:  They all have to do with safety.  Try the next list:  1)  Eat your vegetables.  2)  Wash your hands after using the bathroom.  3)  Brush your teeth morning and night.  4)  Clean your room.  What do they all have in common?  Hint:  The answer is health.  Imagine being able to replace those 8 rules (and numerous, numerous others) with two rules:  Be safe.  Be healthy.  Then when a child forgets to buckle up, or forgets to wash hands after using the bathroom, simply ask, "Was that safe?" or "Was that healthy?"  Umbrella rules tend to focus on "being" qualities rather than "doing" tasks.  Children gain judgement from learning to generalize a way of being across a variety of settings vs. applying a rule to a limited setting.  Rules like safety and health can encompass everything from cleaning up after yourself to not licking your fingers at the dinner table.  You can ask:  Is it safe to leave your toys on the stairs?  Is it healthy to lick your fingers while you're eating?  Qualities or characteristics important to your family become the new umbrella rules, and can eliminate tedious enforcement.
• Avoid black and white thinking:  In psychology black and white thinking refers to a specific type of thinking error where absolutes are the norm.  Black and white thinking reflects fear and uncertainty of anything unfamiliar.  In parenting it reflects a need for control, and leads to despair and resorting to extreme parenting when things don't go as planned.  Black and white thinking traps parents in a corner.  What is meant to limit and restrict paints rigid lines around a situation that don't allow for flexibility and growth...and certainly limits the quality of relationships.  Parents who engage in black and white thinking find themselves emotionally exhausted, with children ill-prepared to face the variety of life circumstances that only expand as they get older.  Such examples in parenting include:  We don't allow internet in our house.  If you don't like rules, that's tough.  Lying is bad.  All rock music is evil.  Somewhere between black and white lies grey.  If the horrible possibilities of the internet are frightening, try making a list of what you'd like your child to know in order to navigate the internet safely and sit with them while you learn how to navigate the internet together.  Could time limits instead of restrictions solve media problems?  What about lying?  Is it ok to lie if you're planning a surprise party, or talking about the Tooth Fairy?  If a child is lying to get out of trouble, it could be an opportunity to examine what in your relationship with them has them concerned about the rules and not feeling like they can come to you to work through difficult situations.  If lying is bad, does that make the child bad also?  Black and white thinking leads to generalizations about self-worth in children.  Try flexibility instead.

Certainly, rules are an individual parenting decision.  Families need rules to function, but children need flexibility and guidance to grow into human beings that can handle a variety of situations rather than limiting behaviors in a few isolated settings.  Sometimes less really is more.

Finding Mental Healthcare Treatment

Brag time:  Recently a private pay option offered by Solutions Counseling and Consulting was recognized in a local news story titled "Finding Mental Health Services For the Uninsured."

For me, offering this option to clients is a no-brainer.  In an email response to the reporter who wrote the report, I said, "When I don't have to bill insurance companies, I pass the savings on to clients."

As it turns out, offering treatment alternatives to clients pays off in a win/win scenario.  Over the past few months as I have seen the private pay portion of my practice grow, it is apparent that this alternative to traditional mental health treatment is catching on.  Surprisingly, many clients with insurance are also choosing this method of payment.  Here are some of the reasons this private pay plan is a good option for consumers of mental health services:

1. Consumers have limited or no mental health benefits.  Although mental health parody was included as part of an economic bailout in 2008, a large portion of our population remains without benefits.  Those who do have benefits are finding that employers are cutting both traditional health benefits and mental health benefits in response to the current economic crisis, making out of pocket costs higher across the board.
2. Diagnoses that can be billed to private insurance companies are limited.  In other words, having insurance coverage does not guarantee payment.  Here's a direct quote from a common provider of health insurance concerning things which aren't covered:  Treatment for conduct and impulse control disorders*, personality disorders, paraphilias and other Mental Illnesses that will not substantially improve beyond the current level of functioning, or that are not subject to favorable modification or management according to prevailing national standards of clinical practice, as reasonably determined by the Mental Health/Substance Abuse Designee.  And another:  Mental Health Services and Substance Abuse Services that extend beyond the period necessary for short-term evaluation, diagnosis, treatment or crisis intervention.  In spite of laws addressing mental health parody, we obviously still have a long way to go.  Can you imagine an insurance company saying that health insurance could not extend beyond short-term treatment, or that conditions that aren't subject to substantially improve won't be covered? Diabetes?  Cancer?  Heart conditions?  High blood pressure?  You'd be out of luck.  (*Conduct and impulse control disorders include, but are not limited to:  ADHD, Asperger's, and Autism, all common mental health disorders that are not covered by insurance.)  
3. Other treatments not commonly covered by insurance:  marriage/couples counseling, family counseling, and grief counseling (unless the consumer has a diagnosable condition).  At that point you have to ask:  Do I want myself or my child to be diagnosed with a mental illness in order to receive counseling?  Many times counseling can benefit individuals and families going through temporary life crises without needing to receive a mental health diagnosis.
4. Terms surrounding treatment of pre-existing conditions:  For many people, when benefits change due to changes in employment or coverage offered by employers, pre-existing conditions are questioned or not covered.  Another point about pre-existing conditions:  In order to bill insurance for treatment of diagnoses not covered by insurance (see above), providers often bill treatment under a co-morbid or duel diagnosis, with the secondary diagnosis being listed as the primary diagnosis.  (For example, a client with ADHD could receive counseling under a diagnosis of depression or anxiety, provided they meet minimal diagnostic criteria.)
5. Some problems don't require mental health treatment.  I have also recently updated consulting services offered on my website as a way to address parent and family needs for access to information and resources that often prevent the need for costly mental health treatment later on.  Families who access these services typically meet with me once or twice to discuss concerns and get ideas about handling problems that can lead to much greater concerns later on.  It is not uncommon for parents to struggle with questions and concerns about parenting, development, sleep, rules, and relationships and want sound information and ideas that would help them to help their families.  We live in a difficult world where children are often the target of environmental assaults such as internet addictions, gaming addictions, pornographic material, bullying, discrimination, etc.  These difficult circumstances make parenting difficult, and guidance through difficult behavioral and discipline issues can be helpful.  Why seek mental health treatment and diagnosis for common problems associated with keeping families safe and healthy?

The reasons for considering alternatives to traditional mental health treatment are many.  As a practitioner, I've enjoyed expanding services and offering treatment alternatives to clients which I feel puts them in the driver's seat of their own health care.  As a culture, we may be making strides in the treatment of mental health disorders, but meanwhile, it feels good to be addressing a few of the holes in our current system.

If you or someone you know is considering counseling, or alternatives to counseling, contact Mary for more information.

Mothers of Special Needs Children

In a few days it will be Mother's Day.  Moms:  May your day be filled sticky hugs, sloppy kisses, and a refrigerator front filled with hand-made cards and neatly scrawled sentiments about mothers.

Do you know a mother of a special needs child?  Are you the mother of a child with special needs?

The job of mothering is a difficult one at best.  It is filled with sacrifices, battles, and thankless tasks that never seem to end.  Whether you're married or single, rich or poor, domestic diva or kitchen klutz; whether you're a stay-at-home mom or you work outside the home, or whether you're a mom to children by birth or adoption...or simply by nurturing and loving all the children you meet...  No matter your individual circumstances as a mother, you know that mothering is one of the most difficult and challenging tasks women share.

Add to that the task of parenting a child with special needs, and the task becomes exceptionally difficult and challenging.  I realize that special needs is a broad category.  It can include (to name just a few) parenting children with behavioral and mental health challenges, children with complicated medical histories, children who suffer trauma and abuse, children who are adopted, children who struggle to learn, children who struggle to make friends, children with any range of developmental delays, children  who struggle with physical limitations and disabilities, and many many other possible combinations of complications parents face raising children.

In my mental health practice, I help parents and children deal with a variety of the issues mentioned above, and almost always, by the time I see them, they've tried multiple interventions, been to doctor appointments of multiple specialties, struggled in school, and struggled at home.  They're frequently the object of comments from others, sometimes well-meaning, and sometimes just mean.

One of the first things I find myself discussing with parents in this situation is their own mental health, self-care, and support systems in dealing with the complications of raising a child with special needs.  I want them to know more than anything that it is not bad parenting that causes psychiatric, behavioral, or developmental disorders, but it takes an exceptional parent to dig down deep into reservoirs of untapped strength to raise this child.

That said, the risk of burn-out to parents of children with special needs is high.  Elizabeth Blackburn (winner of Nobel Prize for Psychology or Medicine 2009) studied mothers who raised special needs children over the course of ten years.  She found that mothers of special needs children experienced a shortening of telomeres (protective end of chromosomes).  This process could cause an average of 9-12 years decrease in life expectancy of these mothers.  This is a biological condition similar to what is experienced by combat soldiers.  Increases in other hormones associated with stress also contribute to autoimmune disorders, diabetes, and other chronic health problems.  Certainly, constant stressors of that level go beyond those experienced by other mothers.

It is not only a good idea, but a necessary one, for mothers of children with special needs to seek support and care for themselves.  Here are some ideas of how that can be accomplished.

1. Build Social Supports:  Although difficult to build and maintain, support systems are life-saving.  Social supports are often the only source of much-needed respite.  Many parents of children with special needs say that as they try to build social supports through traditional means (church, school, neighborhood, work), their special needs children create too much stress for friends and other parents to understand and their support systems disappear.  This can be a huge barrier to finding social support, and many parents give up.  Consider social support in tiers with community support being the outer tier, a layer which many families don't have to access frequently.  Children with special needs often have access to community or school programs and resources that other children don't have.  Start with those groups and make friends with like-minded people who can share in child-care and other ideas for respite.  As you do, the outer tier of support becomes an inner, more natural support system.  Also consider looking for funding for respite care provided by trained caregivers.  There are also support groups for parents of children with special needs where it is possible to connect with other parents and build support systems.  Family is another source of built-in support.  If you have children with special needs and live far away from family, ask yourself:  Who lives locally who can give me the same support?  Do you have friends or community groups who have become like family to you?  If not, is it a possibility to move closer to family?  (I work with one family who recently relocated from another state for that very reason and it has made a huge difference in the couple's marriage to have additional support.)  And just a caution:  While internet groups can be helpful and provide sources of contact and information, they lack the human touch that will decrease stress hormones and provide hands on care and support that parents of children with special needs will require.
2. Take Care of You:  Moms of children with special needs will frequently say they don't have time for themselves.  I ran a group for parents of children with special needs for several years, and I was persistent at getting parents to identify things they did for themselves each week during our group check-in.  At first there weren't many responses, but after the question had been out there for several weeks, I started to get answers:  I started taking vitamins...  I went to the doctor...  My mom watched my son while I got a pedicure...  I went out to dinner with my sister...  I painted my bedroom...  I started taking walks with my son...  I went back to bed after my child went to school...  Moms in the group even started sharing ideas of where they could get low-cost haircuts, nails, massages, etc.  All the little things you do for yourself add up to decreased stress and improved health.  If the well is empty, you can't give what your child needs most.
3. Accept Things As They Are:  It's difficult to know when to be a mom warrior (required for mothers of children with special needs) and when to let it go.  If you're starting to feel like you're fighting just to fight...for something...anything...that could help your child, then do a quick assessment of your efforts.  How much time are you putting in?  What are the results?  Are the difficult lifestyle and dietary changes making a difference or are they complicating life in hopes of making a difference?  Are you spending hundreds of dollars a month on supplements and procedures that promise hope and don't deliver?  What would you do with that time and money if you didn't have to make those efforts?  Certainly health is important, but truly assess the progress of your child under each intervention.  Interventions should produce progress, and if they don't, consider different approaches.  Seeking healing and improvement is certainly a necessary part of treatment, but also consider the long-term effects of constantly trying to change or improve the disability vs. enjoying the unique abilities of that child or your family.  Also consider the needs of other family members and the impact of interventions on their sense of normalcy.  Family life is important also.  Interventions are excessive if they take away from every day human interactions (which by the way, are very healing).
4. Don't Forget to Live:  Most likely, the challenges of special needs aren't going away.  As stated above, expend a reasonable amount of effort into the care of your child, but don't forget to live.  Do you enjoy life?  Do you enjoy relationships?  Do you enjoy your children (even the ones with special needs)?  Do you have hobbies and interests outside your children?  Do you and your spouse share a relationship that isn't focused on parenting and medical or therapy visits?  I know one family raising a child with autism who leaves him with family while they go on vacation.  He hates vacations anyway.  It took them years to get to that point, but they enjoy their other children in a different way and notice that their bonding and interactions with their other children improve during those times.  They say that when they look at family vacation pictures, there is always a little pang of sadness that their child with autism isn't a part of those memories, but they celebrate a life they now enjoy when managing his melt-downs no longer controls their lifestyle, and their child with autism is much, much happier in his own home under the watchful care of relatives who are willing to provide that support.  That may not be the answer for everyone, but it is an example of adaptations that work.

The task of parenting special needs children is a difficult one.

Remember:  It takes an exceptional parent to dig down deep into reservoirs of untapped strengths to raise this child.

The honest truth is this:  If the reservoirs aren't there, the unique things you have to offer aren't available either...  Your experience is uniquely your own.

Don't forget to live!

(If you know a  with a special needs child, consider watching their child, or taking them out to lunch...    Celebrate their experience in motherhood.  Help them build their circle of support.)

Cultural Competence

Like many others in my local community, I've been following a recent news story about acts of racism in a local high school.  I happen to live within the boundaries of Alta High School, and naturally as a parent and citizen of the area, I have concerns.

In a nutshell, a student recently participating in a school spirit rally put a white pillow case over his head and was making racist comments.  A follow-up letter from local school district representatives acknowledges the incident and also identifies concerns about other incidents of racism which were uncovered as well during their own investigation.  You can read more about the story here.

The purpose of discussing this issue isn't to point fingers or assign blame or further divide an already divided community, but hopefully to educate.  The truth is if we can't learn from incidents like this, we're bound to repeat them.  We live in a world that has come a long way, and yet at the same time we live in a world that deals increasingly with a lack of civility on both sides of polarizing issues, and reactions to this recent community event are no exception.

As parents and adults, we have an obligation to live and teach cultural competence.

Culture is defined as the behaviors and beliefs of social or ethnic groups.  This could include patterns of language, thoughts, actions, beliefs, customs, values, a variety of other subtle forms of behavior and living.

Competence is defined as possession (and I think internalization) of skills, knowledge and capacity in a particular area.  Implied in that definition is the ability to function effectively in that singular area of competence.

I believe that cultural competence is a way of being and living.  It is difficult to teach without experiencing.  It involves awareness of one's own self and world view, as well as an understanding that we are surrounded daily by others of diverse experiences and views.  It encompasses the very real, very human qualities of being able to interact and connect with other human beings across cultural boundaries, whether those are boundaries of nationality, religion, race, gender, sexuality, economic status, or political views (or any other area of cultural difference).

Here are a few ideas about developing cultural competence in our families and communities and teaching it to our children:

Personal and Family Cultural Competence:

1. Develop confidence in who you are as a person.  Awareness of one's own culture and belief systems leads to increased flexibility and tolerance of other cultural and belief systems.  Rigidity in beliefs and culture promotes isolation and ethnocentrism.  Be aware that confidence and awareness of your own belief doesn't require validation from others.  It's an internal sense of competence that comes with aligning lifestyle choices with belief patterns, and allowing others the same right.  
2. When incidents arise such as the one described above, can you see both sides?  Allow flexibility and empathy in your responses to situations which challenge cultural competence.  Balance your views with statements of understanding about opposing views.  Encourage family discussion of events that explore looking at issues from both sides.
3. Be aware of language.  Leave out words that isolate based on culture.  Only bring up cultural differences in conversation if it is relevant to the conversation.  Avoid discussing your "black friend" or your "gay friend" or your "non-religious friend."  Substitute words such as "they" or "those people" with specific and politically correct references which acknowledge the pride of other someone else's background.
4. Whether you see America as a melting pot or salad bowl, acknowledge all backgrounds as essential to who you are individually, and who we are collectively as a country.  Throughout the course of our history, many ethnic, religious, and cultural groups have been objects of discrimination as a result of egocentrism and ethnocentrism.  Diversity is what makes us uniquely American.
5. When you travel or attend cultural events be respectful of diversity.  Politely engage in learning about differences and culture without making judgements.  Be aware that your views seem just as foreign to others as theirs might to you.  You've heard the term "ugly American."  Travel and participate in cultural events as a polite guest.

Teaching Cultural Competence to Young Children:

1. Become involved in learning about other cultures in a non judgmental way.  Participate in school projects where other countries and cultures are discussed.  
2. Don't point out differences to children unless they notice first.  Children are naturally curious and they will notice differences, and parent response to them noticing is important.  Parents should not pass judgement on differences, nor should they pass judgement on a child for noticing differences.  This is where individual confidence and awareness of one's own culture and world view are noticed by children.  When a child notices differences, engage in a discussion about what they have noticed using respectful and politically correct language.  After you feel they are satisfied with the answer, lead the conversation to a discussion of similarities.  Help children understand that we all have different families, but we all love our families.  We all have different religions, but religions help guide our lives and decisions.  We might have different economic statuses, but we all work and provide for our families in ways that work for our own circumstances.  We might have different skin color or eat different food, but we all have hearts that love and tongues that taste, and bodies that work and function in the same way.  The possibilities for discussing similarities are as broad as the possibilities for discussing differences.
3. Discuss positive and negative aspects of all cultures, including your own, with respect.  When children hear parents reference their own culture in a negative way, they struggle with their own feelings of self worth and belonging.  If you disagree with negative aspects of culture, such as political or religious views, voice the disagreement as a personal view that acknowledges diversity, such as, "Other people believe......., but I believe..........."  
4. Use family situations to build a sense of individuality by acknowledging diversity in your own family.  Maybe you have family members with different food, clothing, or music preferences (or a variety of other preferences).  Validate the differences by allowing choice, and helping siblings to support the choices of each other.  If Danny has to attend Jen's ballet recital, it's ok to acknowledge that Danny doesn't have to like ballet to support his sister (and vice versa).
5. Limit television, computer, or gaming options that promote violence and disrespect.  Humor in children's programming is increasingly focused on sarcasm and disrespect.  Children see characters in media programming hurt and disrespect others, then see them return to being friends again with no real acknowledgement of the hurtful effect of that kind of behavior.  Watch those types of programming with them and point out the disparity in entertainment vs. real life.
6. Engage children in games to help them understand things from other points of view.  They can "look through someone else's eyes" to imagine what they might see.  Use magic glasses to make it fun.  They can play this game during sibling and friend disagreements or when they are being rigid about their own point of view.  Also try looking through the eyes of a third party (the dog, a visitor from Mars, etc.) to help them learn to describe objectively what they might see.

Cultivating Cultural Competence in Teens:

1. Be respectful to teens about their individual choices of friends, clothing, activities, music, beliefs, etc (as long as their choices are legal, safe, and healthy).  Teens, will demonstrate increased respect of other's choices and diversity when they are respected.  
2. Teens are developing their own sense of self and a healthy part of that development is world view.  Discussions of current  local and world events will spill over into home.  Teens say things to "get a reaction" or test and try new ideas in safe environments, such as home and school.  Allowing discussion of new ideas is a part of identity formation, and allowing discussion doesn't equate support of ideas.  Acknowledge the formation of your own beliefs.  When discussing your own point of view, don't use popular rhetoric to back it up.  Let them see that you've thought and explored ideas your self and come to your own conclusion based on exploration and gathering information.
3. Encourage respect and civility in conversations.  When you notice disrespect in conversations and dialogue with friends or family members, redirect without criticizing.  Start a new conversation or guide the conversation in a different direction.
4. Encourage teens to become involved in community organizations and community service to increase awareness and understanding of diverse groups and populations.  Teen years can become imbalanced with individual goals, routines, and pursuits.  It's healthy to help teens become involved in their communities.  Ideas for service and involvement don't  have to be expensive or time consuming to be engaging.
5. Make relationships important.  Relationships influence and guide thinking.  Teens align themselves with sources of validation.  If parents and community leaders respond in validating ways to teens, they become sources of influence rather than obstacles to be opposed.  
6. When you see flagrant acts of disrespect and discrimination, intervene regardless of whether you think it's popular.  Frequently teens pretend to go along but wish someone would intervene when things get out of hand because they are unsure of how to respond themselves.  Taking a stand and stopping "fun" at the expense of others sets an example of defending civility and respect.  Be prepared to offer acceptable alternatives to inappropriate behaviors or behaviors that lead to others being hurt or disrespected.
7. Help them own bad choices without identifying them as "bad."  Adults frequently fall into the trap of justifying their children's behaviors to protect them.  In reality they are being protected from life lessons that will help them increase judgement that is forming during teen developmental years.  Adults just as frequently come down hard on teens.  They need to be loved to learn.  As much as possible, let consequences be natural results of their choices. 

As parents and community leaders, we have to be aware that respect and civility are the heart of developing cultural competency.  We are obligated to be as much as we are obligated to teach.  When we respect ourselves and others, we set the tone for children to follow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!  

To all those who made the commitment and took the challenge, kudos to you.

As the challenge has progressed, I've received emails, messages, and comments from people who are working hard at engaging in gentler, more loving interactions with those they love.

I've enjoyed hearing how this experience has affected others, and think some of the best insights come from experiences.

For those who are willing, I'm requesting for you to share those experiences.  No need to post or comment publicly.  If you'd prefer you can email me at solutions.mary@gmail.com   Later in the week I'll post anonymous insights that are shared with me.  

Let me know what you think.  Was it difficult?  Easier than you thought?  Did you have support?  Did it get easier as  you went along?  Which tips did you identify with most?  What was your experience with repairs?  Will you continue this challenge?  

Hats off to all of you who attempted to change or focus more on relationships.

Enjoy your day.  Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy the gifts, but most of all enjoy relationships with those you love.

Day Thirteen: The Power of Sleep

Not surprisingly, sleep plays a huge role in emotional regulation.  A lack of sleep increases stress and anxiety, which in turn can affect sleep.  Anger, irritability, and depression also increase with a lack of sufficient sleep.  Memory and concentration problems, which create a cycle of frustration leading to angry responses, can also be connected to sleep problems.

When I work with clients, whether they are children or adults, one of the first issues we discuss is sleep regulation.  Frequently, parents (and grandparents caring for children) are amazed at how gradually adjusting and increasing sleep can result in decreased problems with behavior and emotional regulation.

Changing sleep patterns and/or increasing sleep can be difficult, and sometimes takes months to accomplish.  Gradual changes and attention to environmental details are key.

• Keep track of environment leading up to bedtime.  Slowing things down (both for adults and children) about an hour before bedtime can start to signal the brain that sleep is coming.
• Develop routines in the hour leading up to bedtime.  Predictable routines also signal to the brain that sleep is coming.
• For adults, if eliminating caffeine isn't possible, eliminate caffeine in the last part of the day.  And it seems like a no-brainer, but children should never have caffeine.  It not only interferes with their sleep, it also contributes to unhealthy development of neural pathways in the brain through periods of hyperactivity followed by periods of exhaustion and low energy.
• Find activities other than TV or screen time in the hour or hours leading up to sleep.  Light affects the chemicals responsible for healthy sleep patterns.  Many adults and children fall asleep to television, interfering with the production of brain chemicals which signal sleep. 
• Changes in sleep times can also interrupt quality of sleep and should be made gradually.  Start by waking up earlier, then gradually move bedtime forward by 10 or fifteen minutes per week.  This works for both adults and children.
• If sleep (or lack of) is an issue in your life, set aside a block of 2-4 weeks to adjust environment and sleep times.  Eliminate evening engagements, visits from family and friends, etc. while these changes are happening.
• Seek medical advice if necessary.  Sleep isn't always an environmental issue.

Sleep can be a huge contributor to the ability to emotionally regulate.  If you notice that a lack of sleep is a problem, begin making adjustments.  Sleep is a powerful tool in combating problems related to stress and emotional regulation.

Day Twelve: Boundaries

The phrase "healthy boundaries" is often misinterpreted.  People sometimes think if no one ever crosses them, they have healthy boundaries.   In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Yelling, shouting, and hostile responses are often the result of boundary violations.  The eruptions are secondary to emotions that aren't expressed, such as hurt, shame, and disappointment.  Passive responses are equally destructive because they lead to resentment and anger which can leak out in vindictive and hostile actions.

Anger in either form is considered an ultimate boundary.  The clear message is, "Don't mess with me," and the end result is that those around us will give up trying.  The chance of an uncaring response or angry explosion isn't worth the human risk of crossing boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are simply a recognition that I exist separately from you.  Where healthy boundaries exist, you are able to let go of the outcome.  When you set a boundary and find yourself following up with reminders, prompts, and even bribes, you sacrifice boundaries for control and the clear message is, "I'm afraid I'm not enough," or "I don't trust myself."  The end result is relationships which become locked in a struggle of boundary attempts vs. manipulation.

The two keys to setting healthy boundaries are:

• Emotional honesty, i.e. being able to express how we feel without hurting others.  This doesn't mean waiting until we feel safe or waiting until we can guarantee the outcome to express ourselves.  It is simply recognizing a feeling, owning it, and expressing it in the form of a healthy response.
• Emotional responsibility, i.e. taking responsibility for our responses.  This includes owning and acknowledging a full range of emotions, from excitement and love to disappointment, frustration, and anger.  Equally important is being able to extend apologies when our emotional responses may have been hurtful to others, or may have crossed another person's boundaries.

The end result is a cycle of healthy boundaries.  Others become safe to feel hurt when they know you will extend a repair or sincere apology, and they become equally free to express love and affection.

Day Eleven: The Power of Small Change

As human beings, we are creatures of habit.  As much as we complain about routines, we crave familiarity.

Trying to break up familiar patterns can be difficult.  Often when we attempt changes, we habitually return to our old ways.

Day Ten's Tip was all about observing and noticing patterns, and using those observations as feedback for change.  Change is a powerful tool in disrupting patterns which lead to yelling, shouting, and hostile responses.

Huge changes can feel overwhelming.  Small changes can happen almost unexpectedly, and can be spontaneous, making them the perfect solution for trying to break up patterns which lead to angry responses.  If you can do something, anything, different, you can disrupt a pattern.  It's difficult to insert change in the heat of the moment, but if you've noticed patterns, make changes around those events.

• If you get dressed before you eat breakfast, try eating breakfast before getting dressed.  
• If you leave for work at 7:15, try leaving at 7:10.  
• If you eat tacos on Tuesdays, try something else instead.
• Wear something different.
• Sit in a different chair.
• Choose new favorite song.
• Move a few pieces of furniture.
• Drive a different route through the neighborhood.
• Take a vitamin.
• Go to bed 10 minutes earlier.
• So what small changes will you make today?  One small change might lead to a huge shift in patterns and perspective.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day Ten: What Have You Noticed?

Ten days into The Valentine's Challenge!

What have you noticed?  Is it getting easier?  More difficult?

Sometimes what we notice about our attempts to do something differently is our greatest teacher.

• Are certain times of day more difficult than others?
• Do certain sounds bother you?
• How do you respond to chaos?  Minor catastrophes?
• Are you starting to notice that certain tips work better for you than others?

Let the things that you notice become your teachers.  Think scientifically.  Observations will become feedback for future experiments.  Without the ability to observe and notice, you will repeat patterns that aren't working.  When you notice something works, do more of it.  When you notice triggers, try some changes or planning ahead to disrupt predictable patterns.

Day Nine: A Different To-Do List

Jobs, family, practices, mortgage, bills, meetings, meals, laundry, social engagements...  The list of demands on our time is endless, and is certainly a contributor to high frustration levels.

Today when you make your to-do list, choose 3 priorities for your day.  It might be work, family, house, or work, family, exercise...  Go ahead and choose 5 if you can't narrow it down to 3.  Family and interpersonal relationships should always make the list.  If you're exhausted from family obligations, fun or relaxation should make the list.

It is easy to become upset at the most important people in our life when we run out of time or emotional energy.  Those closest to us can become the object of resentment if we constantly feel pulled in a variety of different directions.

If you start with a priority list, it's easier to re-focus your limited amount of time and emotional energy on the things and people that are most important.  Imagine a phone call to do something that wasn't on your list.  How would you respond?  Imagine spending hours on a new phone ap or television program that caught your attention.  How will you handle those distractions?

Keep your priority list close by through the day.  When you get lost in the pull of daily demands, check your actions against your list.  If what you're doing in the moment doesn't match your priority list, shift gears.

A priority list vs. a to-do list also allows for flexibility.  An unplanned trip to the doctor for a sick child, or a problem with the plumbing or a lengthy homework project can fall easily under a family category while they might have been viewed as frustrations or distractions on a to-do list.

Use your priority list to re-direct focus and emotional energy to the things that matter to you most, and those things become the source of your energy rather than the source of frustration.

Day Eight: Slow It Down

Intense emotional responses are usually driven by strong feelings about issues that seem important in the moment.

When people try to change responses, they frequently spend a lot of time focusing on the issues and feelings behind the anger.  While those are important to understand, simply slowing things down can make a huge difference in the heat of the moment.

Next time you feel the anger rising, think "s‐l-o‐w."

Pretend like someone hit a slow motion button on the moment.

• Speak slower.
• Move slower.
• Respond slower.

The intensity of the moment will decrease and you'll find yourself thinking rather than reacting to events.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day Seven: Humor

The idea that humor relieves stress isn't new.  We know if we laugh when we're upset we feel better.

The shared emotional experience of laughter draws the anger out of situations which, prior to a humorous outlook, were viewed as threatening or challenging.

But in intense emotional exchanges, how do you let go of the anger and shift to humor?  Like anything else, it takes practice.

The sky is the limit for suggestions involving humor.  Be creative,  but remember that teasing, pushing buttons, and sarcasm are not considered humor.  If you have to say, "Come on.  That was funny," it might fall in the sarcasm category.

Try a few of these ideas to infuse humor into tense emotional exchanges:

• Speak with your nose plugged.
• Do something accidental that might be humorous.  There's nothing like an a slapstick move to get a laugh.
• Move intense conversations to a location where it's difficult to take yourselves seriously, like standing on the couch or sitting in the bathroom.
• Also use humor through the day with children to bring stress levels down.  
• Laugh at a few good jokes.  
• Watch a comedy routine on Youtube.  
• Have a laughing contest
• Recall humorous memories.

The goal is to take ourselves less seriously.  If it might be funny later, it can be funny now.

Day Six: It Takes Practice

In honor of this being one of the most-loved sports days in American culture, we'll go with a sports theme for our tip of the day.

I love this quote and wish I knew who said it.  "Good players practice until they get it right.  Great players practice until they never get it wrong."

Athletes who inspire others are the ones who are willing to push beyond exhaustion to achieve a goal.  They are the ones spending hours on a field while no one is watching to achieve mere moments of acknowledgement under the spotlight.  They are good at what they do because they keep trying.  Some may have natural ability and skill, but until they learn to control and direct that ability, their ability to make a contribution is limited.  For most great athletes, their will to push themselves is often the deciding factor between first and second place, or even between winning and losing.

Winning at relationships is equally important.  Setting a goal such as one set for the challenge this month is frightening because we aren't sure of our ability to succeed.

Being great at relationships takes practice.  Once we get it right, the challenge would be to keep practicing until we never get it wrong.

And no matter who wins Superbowl XLV, the opportunity to be great at relationships with friends, children, spouses (and even the crazy driver in the lane next to you) is worth hours and hours of grueling practice.

It will get easier.  After a while it may even start to feel natural.  And even though you might not get your moment in the spotlight for all those hours and hours of practice, you'll hold a place of esteem in the hearts of the people who matter most.

Day Five: Snapshots

A snapshot is a usually spontaneous shot of a moment which, through the magic of film, becomes frozen in time.

Besides accomplishing the obvious goal of preserving memories, snapshots can also provide us with a unique perspective of people, events, and memories.

Imagine for a minute that you have the ability to freeze moments of your day in snapshot form.

If you were standing behind a camera taking a snapshot of that moment, what would you see?

Next imagine looking through the camera lens of another person.  If they were behind the camera, what would they capture in their snapshot?  Would you see a different picture?

This is especially true in looking at moments filled with emotion.  A view from the outside can often provide a much-needed shift in perspective.

It's worth taking a step back to imagine a different view.  Try it.  Carry a camera around with you for a day if it helps.  You'll be surprised what you "see."

Day Four: Mini Breaks

When you were a kid and took breaks throughout the day it was called "recess" and we all know recess is everyone's favorite subject!

As adults we need breaks too.  As we go throughout our day, stress tends to build unless it is released.  While we'd all love to have time to sit back and relax, or go for a long run or out to lunch with friends, we don't always have that kind of time available in our day.

Mini-breaks are the perfect solution.

• Pay attention to sounds around you.  Notice what you hear and how it makes you feel and eliminate unnecessary noise.  
• Take a few deep breaths.  Breathe in through your nose, and exhale through your mouth.
• Do some brief muscle stretches.
• Sip a cold or warm drink
• Laugh!

Kids sometimes need mini-breaks too.  If you have a child that is prone to blow-ups, take a few minutes through the day modify some of the above suggestions for kids.

• Count sounds.  Count things they see that are green, or things that start with the letter "M."  You're helping them take time to notice their environment.
• Blow bubbles.  It forces breathing regulation.  You can also use bubble gum or blow up a balloon.
• Do animal stretches.  See how many animals movements you can imitate.
• Suck on a popcycle or sip some hot chocolate.
• Talk in a funny made-up language.

The goal is to prevent stress from building through the day.  It only takes a few minutes to manage stress levels and it's easy.  You can take breaths or tell jokes while waiting in the car at a stoplight or school drop-off line, or while standing in line at a grocery store.  If you can prevent stress from building in a day, you can eliminate a lot of potential blow-ups!

Day Three: Energy Matching

Have you ever noticed days have energy?  There are days with high energy, low energy, and everything in between.

Have you also noticed that children always have energy?  And most of the time they aren't stressed.  The energy of the day doesn't seem to matter to them.  Unless there is something seriously wrong in their world, they meet the day with enthusiasm and excitement.

Adults, on the other hand, are prone to low energy levels and high stress.  The combination of an adults low energy/high stress level, and a child's high energy/low stress level can often lead to family explosions.

So how do adults manage such hazardous combinations?

The solution is to moderate energy output to match the energy and stress levels of the day.  The first focus and priority should always be relationships, and other demands can be adjusted.

On a high stress, low energy day, adding more pressure can only lead to more stress, and eventually explosions.  If you're having one of "those days" it might be a good day to order pizza and watch a movie.  Or go out to eat.  Or let the dishes sit in the sink and play.  It sounds like a no brainer, but how may people do you know who pressure themselves to get everything accomplished on their daily checklist but hurt the people they love in the process?  When there is a limited amount of energy available, conserve for important relationships and make adjustments to external demands.

Of course there are a number of stress/energy combinations, and children don't always fall into the high energy/low stress category.  Parents should be aware of children's energy and stress levels and adjust demands as necessary.

Ultimately, as we match the energy of the day with reasonable expectations of ourselves and those around us, the possibility for shouting, yelling, or harsh responses is decreased.

Good luck keeping up with the challenge!

Day Two: Cool It Off With Repairs

So did you make it through Day One?

I didn't.  I yelled once.  All I can say is he's 14.

But I did remember Rule # 5 and apologized.

Which leads us to Day Two's tip:

Perfect the art of repairs in relationships.

Repairs are a great way to cool things off.  If we take the time to apologize, we redirect emotional energy into the relationship instead of holding rigidly to whatever caused the rift to begin with.

With apologies, stress levels drop, which ultimately is the goal if you're trying to keep your cool.


My Day One ended well.  I was able to hang out with my teen later in the evening when everyone else left to run errands.  The moment of frustration hadn't lasted longer than a few seconds, and certainly didn't define our day.

So if you're not always successful and keeping your cool, remember Rule #5 of the challenge:  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.

Find out more about the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Day One: Build Social Supports

For most people, support systems come in the form of family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and church or community organizations.

If you feel overwhelmed, connect with other human beings.  Connections lead to a sense of belonging, and feelings of increased security.

If you don't have social supports, look for opportunities to build support.  Volunteer.  Join a church or community group.  Turn off the TV and connect with family or friends.

Evaluate.  If you find yourself in friendships or organizations that don't feel balanced (i.e. don't give back), then find ways to limit those contacts.  Set good boundaries, and limit involvements that aren't necessary.

Don't pressure yourself to build social supports during times of stress.  Instead focus on connecting in small ways with other human beings.  Start a conversation with the checker at the grocery store.  Smile at a child.  Take your dog to a dog park instead of walking them alone.  Hang out with your children at the park or community recreation spots.

Find out more about our Valentine's Day Challenge.

Let The Challenge Begin!

The Valentine's Day challenge starts tomorrow!

Join us in taking a pledge of no yelling, shouting, screaming, blow-ups, fits, hostile or impatient responses, or disrespect.

And the rules are simple:

1)  No shouting, yelling, screaming, or disrespect toward those you love.
2)  Write down your commitment.
3)  Give your commitment as a gift.  The timing isn't important.  Commit out loud ahead of time, or give your gift as a surprise.
4)  Get others to commit also.  It's easier if you don't have to do it alone.
5)  Don't give up.  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.


And the tip of the day is this:

Practice the rules of the playground.

• Walk away.
• Count to 10 (or 100).
• Tell a friend.
• Get help.

A New Kind of Gift

February is just around the corner.

Stores are stocked with aisles of sticky, gooey goodness, adorable stuffed animals, brightly decorated cards, and assorted other Valentine's gifts.

Have you decided yet what you'll give your loved ones this Valentine's Day?

Will it be chocolate?  Candy?  A card?  Flowers?

What about a pledge?

I know.  It's not on the list of usual gifts for Valentine's Day, and you won't find it on the seasonal aisle of your favorite grocery store, but maybe this is the year to try something new.

Here's the challenge:

Commit to 14 days (from February 1st to February 14th) of no yelling, shouting, screaming, blow-ups, fits, hostile or impatient responses, or disrespect.

Commit to 14 days of respectful communication.

Commit to 14 days of giving those closest to you the gift of loving responses.

(And just for the record, it is true that sometimes the most loving response you could give would be to walk away.)

The reality is that no one is going to go 14 days without getting buttons pushed, but imagine the freedom of being able to get your needs met without shouting.

I talk to a lot of adults who believe that yelling and shouting are normal parts of family communication.  "Don't you have to yell to get children to listen?"

But what if it doesn't have to be the reality?  With all the media and cultural focus on civility, maybe now is a good time to start practicing the art of being civil with those we love most.

Ready for the rules?

1)  No shouting, yelling, screaming, or disrespect toward those you love.
2)  Write down your commitment.
3)  Give your commitment as a gift.  The timing isn't important.  Commit out loud ahead of time, or give your gift as a surprise.
4)  Get others to commit also.  It's easier if you don't have to do it alone.
5)  Don't give up.  If you aren't perfect at peaceful communication, be perfect at apologies.

The idea is to commit.  Do your best.  Reduce the friction and increase the closeness in interpersonal relationships.  It's an opportunity to experience yourself and experience those you love in a new way.

So are you in?

(For those taking the challenge, look for daily tips, ideas and anecdotes between February 1st and February 14th.)

Considering Development In Goal Setting

How many slams in an old screen door? 
Depends how loud you shut it. 
How many slices in a bread? 
Depends how thin you cut it. 
How much good inside a day? 
Depends how good you live 'em. 
How much love inside a friend? 
Depends how much you give 'em.
~Shel Silverstein

Curiosity compels children to be natural learners.  With constantly developing minds and bodies they are compelled by development to learn and try new things almost daily.  But age is an important criteria in determining how formal the goal setting process should be.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

1. Goals based on accomplishment of a specific task are not necessary up through preschool years.  At this age, achievement should be limited to developmental tasks.
2. A parent's role at this age is to provide structure, boundaries and opportunities to succeed at various tasks.  At this age, children have vivid imaginations, which can be engaged through play as they learn new skills.  At the same time, their lack of ability to separate reality from fantasy creates unnecessary disappointment and an artificial sense of achievement if children are exposed to highly competitive activities.  Look for activities where participation and skills building is rewarded over keeping score or performing.
3. Connecting goals to developmental tasks eliminates the risk of tying self-worth to elements beyond the child's control.  Eventually they will accomplish developmental tasks.  If they are behind developmentally, reward attempts and approximations to keep them trying.  Seek professional help if concerns about development continue.
4. Help unmotivated children make a game out of frustrating developmental tasks such as dressing, buttoning, zipping, tying, and cleaning up messes.  The presence of a parent in accomplishing developmental tasks increases the firing of neurons in a child's brain, and their opportunities for success at tasks increases.
5. During these years, children develop emotional autonomy, and are great at giving natural feedback about whether a goal is theirs or not.  (What parent hasn't heard "No!" from their toddler?)  Children circle through attempting autonomous tasks and returning to their parents for support.  If parents are dismissive or inattentive, children become more easily frustrated because they can't connect with needed support systems.  Many behavioral concerns start at this age if children are compelled by parent response (or lack of) to engage in attention seeking behaviors.  Similarly, when parents force ideas, goals, plans, etc. on children at this age, they will retreat emotionally and become insecure.  Balance and support are key to achieving success at this age.

Elementary School Years:

1. Beyond the toddler and preschool years, competence becomes a major milestone for emotional development.  In typically developing children, this milestone takes place between the ages of 7 and 11 years old.  Not coincidentally, at the same time children are mastering this stage of development, their intellectual development becomes oriented around problem solving.  As children's minds are naturally compelled through development to combine problem solving with a drive for emotional competence, this becomes an ideal age to introduce goal setting.  
2. As children set and reach goals, they gain a greater sense of self determination and begin to master the skill of combining their own unique problem solving abilities to guide their life and behavior.  
3. Goal setting can help children start to understand connections between their personal choices and end results.  Again, reward approximations and attempts in children who have difficulty accomplishing tasks.  In the absence of feeling competent, children begin to feel inferior about their abilities in relation to their peers.  
4. Parents can discuss goals with their children but choices and ownership are important to the accomplishment of emotional, cognitive, and physical development at this age.  Parents can offer choices, limits, and support in guiding the goal making process.  For example, it is acceptable for a parent to allow a certain number of activities, or to offer rewards for participation in things children might not attempt on their own.  Again, rewarding the attempt becomes important at encouraging children to continue trying.  
5. If children suggest goals where the outcome is out of their control (such as making 5 new friends at recess), parents can redirect the goal to something within their control (such as saying "hi" to 5 new people at recess.)
6. Goals should be individual.  I once heard a mom say in therapy, "Everyone in our family plays sports, so she needs to choose a sport.  And dancing is not a sport."  What the child heard was:  I don't belong to this family, and what I value and want to be good at isn't important to them.  Encouraging individuality encourages exploration and healthy development.

Teen Years:
(No, the words goal and teen are not oxymorons.)

1. Put your relationship first.  Teen development is based on physical and emotional autonomy.  They naturally pull away from parents, but when parents can exist in a supportive role, teens continue to turn to their families for support.  (Support does not mean enabling.)
2. Teens have likely already developed interests and feelings of competence in certain areas.  Continue to support them in these pursuits, but don't be surprised if their interests change.  Teen years are also a time where they experiment with identity.  They discover which parts of their identity are more fixed (such as race, gender, culture, etc.) and which parts of their identity are unique (talents, abilities, hobbies, interests, religion, etc.).  While there are a number of factors that affect the successful formation of identity, certainly one of those is control of the parts of their lives that make them unique.
3. Even if...  Control over their future becomes important even if...  Even if you spent thousands of dollars on dance lessons and now they're done dancing.  Even if they're poised for an athletic scholarship for college.  Even if...  You get the idea.
4. But not if...  Control over their future is good, but not if...  Not if their choices about their future involve hurting themselves or others.  Not if their choices about their future involve illegal activity.  Not if their choices aren't safe.  Not if their choices aren't healthy.
5. The same push-you-away and pull-you-close routine that took place at two is taking place again during the teen years.  Be there when they need you to be close, watch from a distance when they need freedom, as long as their choices are safe and healthy.  If you burn the relationship bridge by withdrawing approval and affection, you've lost the opportunity to give any input at all.
6. Support new interests.  If you encourage healthy exploration you help your teen understand that possibilities aren't fixed, and they become lifelong learners.  Remember:  "Even if..."
7. Don't tie their accomplishments to your ego.  It isn't necessary to draw a lot of attention to interests and abilities.  Some kids my like the spotlight, but most will withdraw if parents take ownership of interests and accomplishments.  Support becomes a secondary role at this age.

The sky is the limit!

Goals: Yours or Theirs?

I've said before I don't watch a lot of TV, so I know I was probably the last one on the planet to there was a television show called "Toddlers and Tiaras."  This show chronicles the lives of children and their families as they prepare for and participate in beauty pageants.

Last week when I couldn't sleep I found myself channel surfing and came across this program.  The contestants being followed included an infant whose mother said she "prayed to God for the next Miss America."  Mom also spray tanned her infant prior to the pageant so she could win the grand title.  After the infant didn't perform she was given "special juice" which was a caffeinated beverage, then in commenting on her infant's performance, the mother felt bad for her infant and was sure she was disappointed.  (I'm sure the child's only disappointment was not getting her nap that day.)

Another 5 year old contestant was forced and threatened to practice for the program, then held her down and forced her to get her eyebrows waxed prior to the pageant.  When the daughter's tantrum escalated during the eyebrow waxing, the mother blamed it on an earlier bad experience with eyebrow waxing.

Really?  It's not normal to scream if you're restrained and tortured?

And what happened after the same mother hauled her screaming daughter away from the cameras while threatening her?

In my mind this show is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.  Don't get me started on the fact that there weren't boys in this competition, or that little girls (future women of America) were being judged on poise and beauty...  And I'm sure those same mothers' eyes would glaze over if we started a discussion over infant brain development, sleep and caffeine.  So for today let's keep it simple.

If we're just sticking with the January theme of goal setting, it begs the question:  At what point does the goal belong to the child, and at what point does it belong to the parent?  (And I'm sorry, but you can't argue for a minute that an infant had a goal to win a grand title of a beauty pageant, or that a five year old woke up one morning and asked to have her unibrow waxed.)

Guidelines For Parents:

• Fragile egos:  Parents with fragile egos often tie their own success as parents to the accomplishment of their children's goals.  It is important to support your child's self-determination and development, but if you find yourself too emotionally connected to an outcome, step back and evaluate.  As parents, when we see our children as amazing individuals, their wings will take them in a lot of directions we might not have ever dreamed for them.
• Are children achieving goals or developing as healthy, autonomous individuals?  If their lives become a checklist measured by points, grades, scores, and titles, they risk losing the individuality that makes them a human being.  If goals get in the way of development or relationships, set them aside for a while and evaluate again later.
• Attempts:  Don't expect perfection.  Encourage children to set goals in increments.  Reward attempts and approximations, even imperfect ones.  A shot that comes close to scoring is worth recognition.  A grade that comes close to passing might reflect a last minute effort.  Art with realistic displays of flaws could be the next Van Gogh.  
• Build on strengths:  Think of something your child already does well and encourage expansion.  Do they already enjoy reading?  What reward might they earn if they choose to read a new genre of books?  Do they love basketball?  How can they safely explore a new sport without failing?
• External vs. internal motivation:  Offer rewards for trying new things or achieving goals as needed, but also look for opportunities to develop internal motivation.  What encouragement can you give that would provide the same motivation as an external reward?
• Create a supportive environment.  Provide daily routines and structure which supports a balance of free time and working toward homework and other tasks, including daily chores. Check your environment for things that distract from accomplishing goals such as noise confusion, clutter, and changing expectations and make modifications where possible.
• If it doesn't work out:  Goal achievement is based on typical physical, emotional, and mental development.  If children fall outside of this category, it is easy to become discouraged.  Remember that You Are A Good Parent and your journey may not be the same one your friends are taking.  Your path and your child's path is no less important.  Seek help as needed, and be amazed at what can unfold.  Disabilities might even lead to huge contributions.  You may or may not have heard of Temple Grandin.  She is an adult with Autism and a PhD who was named in the 2010 edition of Time as one of the people who most affect our world.  She said, "A treatment method or educational method that will work for one child may not work for another child."   If it doesn't work out, it may be the method, and not the child that is broken. 

Look for more information next week on age appropriate goal setting.

New Year's Wishes

January theme:  Happy New Year!  Have you made any resolutions yet?  Have you broken any resolutions yet?

With the old year behind us and a fresh slate of days ahead, it's natural for us to think of growth and progression.  It's also natural to become discouraged, and quickly abandon new possibilities.  So how do we balance the human quest for moving forward with the tendency to give up when things get difficult?

Several years ago I heard a statistic that 25% of adults break their New Year's resolutions within the first week of January.  I remember thinking:  Really?  In the first week?  At the same time I knew I had probably been in that 25% more than once in my life and started thinking about how I might beat the odds.

The next day I had a brilliant idea.  I'd cheat.  I wouldn't set New Year's resolutions in the first week of the year.  I'd wait until 25% of the population had abandoned their goals so I wouldn't fall into that category, and set all my goals the 2nd week of the year.

(Flawed.  I know.  But I like odds to be in my favor.)

The next year I heard another annoying statistic.  Did you know that fewer than 50% of us make it past June with our New Year's resolutions still in tact?  That year I didn't make any New Year's resolutions.

Then buried somewhere in the hype that surrounded the new millennium in 2000, I remember hearing that many cultures focus on the idea of New Year's wishes in stead of New Year's resolutions.  That year I made New Year's wishes.  It was the perfect solution to beating the odds.

And it worked.  (Kind of.)

Ironically, my quest to avoid failure had me traveling an unexpected path of growth that had once seemed impossible.  Without realizing it, my wishes created footprints of possibilities and the images of those footprints began to take the form of steps.  The persistence in achieving goals came from the real desires of my heart and not from an external expectation.  Ultimately,  my journey of self-discovery unfolded into an experience of permanent change, which is what I had been trying to achieve all along.

But before you get out your magic wand, it's also important to consider that it takes both persistence and wishes to achieve success.  The footprints of possibilities have to eventually form steps in order for dreams to be realized.

And in the process of combining wishes with persistence, it would be good to throw in a dose of resilience for good measure.

In the world of psychology, the term flexibility refers to the psychological and cognitive possibility of spontaneously being able to restructure knowledge, beliefs, expectations, etc. based on the demands and disappointments of life.

So when your wishes don't come true, and persistence yields disappointment (which it assuredly will), adapt and change.

Make new wishes.

Set new goals.

Persist in a new way.

And on December 31st, 2011, if you find that all your goals and wishes haven't realized, you will be like everyone else...incredibly human.

So whether or not you began your year with resolutions, consider making a New Year's wish.  The outcome might surprise you.

Look for more ideas this month about setting goals, helping children set goals, and helping children develop resilience as part of the January theme of New Year's resolutions.