Considering Development In Goal Setting

How many slams in an old screen door? 
Depends how loud you shut it. 
How many slices in a bread? 
Depends how thin you cut it. 
How much good inside a day? 
Depends how good you live 'em. 
How much love inside a friend? 
Depends how much you give 'em.
~Shel Silverstein

Curiosity compels children to be natural learners.  With constantly developing minds and bodies they are compelled by development to learn and try new things almost daily.  But age is an important criteria in determining how formal the goal setting process should be.

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

1. Goals based on accomplishment of a specific task are not necessary up through preschool years.  At this age, achievement should be limited to developmental tasks.
2. A parent's role at this age is to provide structure, boundaries and opportunities to succeed at various tasks.  At this age, children have vivid imaginations, which can be engaged through play as they learn new skills.  At the same time, their lack of ability to separate reality from fantasy creates unnecessary disappointment and an artificial sense of achievement if children are exposed to highly competitive activities.  Look for activities where participation and skills building is rewarded over keeping score or performing.
3. Connecting goals to developmental tasks eliminates the risk of tying self-worth to elements beyond the child's control.  Eventually they will accomplish developmental tasks.  If they are behind developmentally, reward attempts and approximations to keep them trying.  Seek professional help if concerns about development continue.
4. Help unmotivated children make a game out of frustrating developmental tasks such as dressing, buttoning, zipping, tying, and cleaning up messes.  The presence of a parent in accomplishing developmental tasks increases the firing of neurons in a child's brain, and their opportunities for success at tasks increases.
5. During these years, children develop emotional autonomy, and are great at giving natural feedback about whether a goal is theirs or not.  (What parent hasn't heard "No!" from their toddler?)  Children circle through attempting autonomous tasks and returning to their parents for support.  If parents are dismissive or inattentive, children become more easily frustrated because they can't connect with needed support systems.  Many behavioral concerns start at this age if children are compelled by parent response (or lack of) to engage in attention seeking behaviors.  Similarly, when parents force ideas, goals, plans, etc. on children at this age, they will retreat emotionally and become insecure.  Balance and support are key to achieving success at this age.

Elementary School Years:

1. Beyond the toddler and preschool years, competence becomes a major milestone for emotional development.  In typically developing children, this milestone takes place between the ages of 7 and 11 years old.  Not coincidentally, at the same time children are mastering this stage of development, their intellectual development becomes oriented around problem solving.  As children's minds are naturally compelled through development to combine problem solving with a drive for emotional competence, this becomes an ideal age to introduce goal setting.  
2. As children set and reach goals, they gain a greater sense of self determination and begin to master the skill of combining their own unique problem solving abilities to guide their life and behavior.  
3. Goal setting can help children start to understand connections between their personal choices and end results.  Again, reward approximations and attempts in children who have difficulty accomplishing tasks.  In the absence of feeling competent, children begin to feel inferior about their abilities in relation to their peers.  
4. Parents can discuss goals with their children but choices and ownership are important to the accomplishment of emotional, cognitive, and physical development at this age.  Parents can offer choices, limits, and support in guiding the goal making process.  For example, it is acceptable for a parent to allow a certain number of activities, or to offer rewards for participation in things children might not attempt on their own.  Again, rewarding the attempt becomes important at encouraging children to continue trying.  
5. If children suggest goals where the outcome is out of their control (such as making 5 new friends at recess), parents can redirect the goal to something within their control (such as saying "hi" to 5 new people at recess.)
6. Goals should be individual.  I once heard a mom say in therapy, "Everyone in our family plays sports, so she needs to choose a sport.  And dancing is not a sport."  What the child heard was:  I don't belong to this family, and what I value and want to be good at isn't important to them.  Encouraging individuality encourages exploration and healthy development.

Teen Years:
(No, the words goal and teen are not oxymorons.)

1. Put your relationship first.  Teen development is based on physical and emotional autonomy.  They naturally pull away from parents, but when parents can exist in a supportive role, teens continue to turn to their families for support.  (Support does not mean enabling.)
2. Teens have likely already developed interests and feelings of competence in certain areas.  Continue to support them in these pursuits, but don't be surprised if their interests change.  Teen years are also a time where they experiment with identity.  They discover which parts of their identity are more fixed (such as race, gender, culture, etc.) and which parts of their identity are unique (talents, abilities, hobbies, interests, religion, etc.).  While there are a number of factors that affect the successful formation of identity, certainly one of those is control of the parts of their lives that make them unique.
3. Even if...  Control over their future becomes important even if...  Even if you spent thousands of dollars on dance lessons and now they're done dancing.  Even if they're poised for an athletic scholarship for college.  Even if...  You get the idea.
4. But not if...  Control over their future is good, but not if...  Not if their choices about their future involve hurting themselves or others.  Not if their choices about their future involve illegal activity.  Not if their choices aren't safe.  Not if their choices aren't healthy.
5. The same push-you-away and pull-you-close routine that took place at two is taking place again during the teen years.  Be there when they need you to be close, watch from a distance when they need freedom, as long as their choices are safe and healthy.  If you burn the relationship bridge by withdrawing approval and affection, you've lost the opportunity to give any input at all.
6. Support new interests.  If you encourage healthy exploration you help your teen understand that possibilities aren't fixed, and they become lifelong learners.  Remember:  "Even if..."
7. Don't tie their accomplishments to your ego.  It isn't necessary to draw a lot of attention to interests and abilities.  Some kids my like the spotlight, but most will withdraw if parents take ownership of interests and accomplishments.  Support becomes a secondary role at this age.

The sky is the limit!