Goals: Yours or Theirs?

I've said before I don't watch a lot of TV, so I know I was probably the last one on the planet to there was a television show called "Toddlers and Tiaras."  This show chronicles the lives of children and their families as they prepare for and participate in beauty pageants.

Last week when I couldn't sleep I found myself channel surfing and came across this program.  The contestants being followed included an infant whose mother said she "prayed to God for the next Miss America."  Mom also spray tanned her infant prior to the pageant so she could win the grand title.  After the infant didn't perform she was given "special juice" which was a caffeinated beverage, then in commenting on her infant's performance, the mother felt bad for her infant and was sure she was disappointed.  (I'm sure the child's only disappointment was not getting her nap that day.)

Another 5 year old contestant was forced and threatened to practice for the program, then held her down and forced her to get her eyebrows waxed prior to the pageant.  When the daughter's tantrum escalated during the eyebrow waxing, the mother blamed it on an earlier bad experience with eyebrow waxing.

Really?  It's not normal to scream if you're restrained and tortured?

And what happened after the same mother hauled her screaming daughter away from the cameras while threatening her?

In my mind this show is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.  Don't get me started on the fact that there weren't boys in this competition, or that little girls (future women of America) were being judged on poise and beauty...  And I'm sure those same mothers' eyes would glaze over if we started a discussion over infant brain development, sleep and caffeine.  So for today let's keep it simple.

If we're just sticking with the January theme of goal setting, it begs the question:  At what point does the goal belong to the child, and at what point does it belong to the parent?  (And I'm sorry, but you can't argue for a minute that an infant had a goal to win a grand title of a beauty pageant, or that a five year old woke up one morning and asked to have her unibrow waxed.)

Guidelines For Parents:

• Fragile egos:  Parents with fragile egos often tie their own success as parents to the accomplishment of their children's goals.  It is important to support your child's self-determination and development, but if you find yourself too emotionally connected to an outcome, step back and evaluate.  As parents, when we see our children as amazing individuals, their wings will take them in a lot of directions we might not have ever dreamed for them.
• Are children achieving goals or developing as healthy, autonomous individuals?  If their lives become a checklist measured by points, grades, scores, and titles, they risk losing the individuality that makes them a human being.  If goals get in the way of development or relationships, set them aside for a while and evaluate again later.
• Attempts:  Don't expect perfection.  Encourage children to set goals in increments.  Reward attempts and approximations, even imperfect ones.  A shot that comes close to scoring is worth recognition.  A grade that comes close to passing might reflect a last minute effort.  Art with realistic displays of flaws could be the next Van Gogh.  
• Build on strengths:  Think of something your child already does well and encourage expansion.  Do they already enjoy reading?  What reward might they earn if they choose to read a new genre of books?  Do they love basketball?  How can they safely explore a new sport without failing?
• External vs. internal motivation:  Offer rewards for trying new things or achieving goals as needed, but also look for opportunities to develop internal motivation.  What encouragement can you give that would provide the same motivation as an external reward?
• Create a supportive environment.  Provide daily routines and structure which supports a balance of free time and working toward homework and other tasks, including daily chores. Check your environment for things that distract from accomplishing goals such as noise confusion, clutter, and changing expectations and make modifications where possible.
• If it doesn't work out:  Goal achievement is based on typical physical, emotional, and mental development.  If children fall outside of this category, it is easy to become discouraged.  Remember that You Are A Good Parent and your journey may not be the same one your friends are taking.  Your path and your child's path is no less important.  Seek help as needed, and be amazed at what can unfold.  Disabilities might even lead to huge contributions.  You may or may not have heard of Temple Grandin.  She is an adult with Autism and a PhD who was named in the 2010 edition of Time as one of the people who most affect our world.  She said, "A treatment method or educational method that will work for one child may not work for another child."   If it doesn't work out, it may be the method, and not the child that is broken. 

Look for more information next week on age appropriate goal setting.