From Going Simple to Sorta Simple

We found out when the adoption agency told us Hindu they meant...well we're not sure but they didn't mean Hindu.  Our soon-to-be daughter believes in Santa.  Her foster mother shared with us some of what she believes about Santa.  So yes, I went back to having more fun than any adult should be allowed to have...

Santa visited our house and left a letter for our soon-to-be daughter saying he knew where she'd be living at Christmas, and that at Jarman's house, they leave Christmas letters in the fireplace and he gets them.  Let the fireplace correspondence begin!

As far as keeping it simple, I still love that it only took me 30 minutes to decorate our tree, and that our family is spending a lot of time together this Christmas season.  Simple is good, but I can't resist fun!

Going Simple

As a life-long believer in Santa Claus, I have taken it on myself to keep the magic alive.

Forever and ever.

In our house, regardless of what my children think they know about Christmas magic, Santa is real!

I do understand that over the years this has placed a lot of additional stress on my husband as I become fanatical about preserving the legend, but he's a good sport and plays along.  And at the end of the day, he's as big a fan of the holiday magic as his wife, so on and on we go, lost in our little magical celebration while (I'm sure) forever psychologically damaging our children, who figured out long ago that their parents are insane about Christmas, but play along anyway.  After all, there's a little something in it for them.  As long as it works for everyone...

And as long as we're celebrating, we might as well have the tree, the lights, the decorations, the parties, the recitals, the food, and the family and work gatherings to go along with it...

Simple, right?  But add to that the fact that we, along with 96% of all Americans somehow manage to pack all that excitement into six short weeks every year.

Is it any wonder that for Americans, stress has become synonymous with the holiday season?

Every year we talk about scaling back our holiday expectations and plans, and fortunately, we've found meaningful ways to focus our attention on the purpose of the Christmas season during our celebrations.  At the same time, simplicity continues to seem elusive.  We've wondered if it's even possible to achieve.

As it turns out, this is our year to find out.  The change in holiday pace came about quite unexpectedly for us, in the form of a nine year old child from India.  In a few short weeks, a mere eight days before Christmas, she'll become a member of our family.

A week ago I sat in our family room, surrounded by bins brimming with holiday decorations, anticipating her arrival, and becoming aware that so much of what we celebrate about this holiday will feel foreign to her.  It didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't the only one thinking the same thing.

"Do Hindus celebrate Christmas?"  I don't remember which child asked the question first, but at some point they all asked, and the ensuing conversations were insightful.

Together we wondered how shocking it would be to walk into a room with a brightly lit, brightly decorated tree, surrounded by gifts, in a home that would soon be invaded by a fat, bearded stranger dressed in a red suit who, in spite of locked doors, could enter through the chimney.  And even though he's kind enough to leave gifts, he somehow still "knows when you've been sleeping...knows when you're awake...knows if you've been bad or good..."  Yeah.  Maybe a little creepy if you've never heard of it before.

It was interesting how, through the eyes of an outsider, many of the holiday celebrations that are connected in our own minds to our Christian celebration of Christmas might be confusing to someone else, not to mention combining all the above with the increased social demands of family, church and friend gatherings leading up to the big day.

We sorted through Christmas boxes with new vision.  We found some of our favorite decoration items, and the big tree was donated to charity.  We got a great after-Thanksgiving deal on three smaller trees, a simple, beautiful grouping that took less than 30 minutes to decorate.

Liberating!

Top it off with a few poinsettias, a nativity set, an advent calendar (even pre-teens haven't outgrown the countdown), stockings hanging from the fireplace, and some simple lights out front, and we were done.

Santa letters were simple this year also.  My kiddos still humored me by writing to Santa, but I was surprised at the content.  They weren't asking for a lot.  Just a sister, and gifts for her.

(Sidenote:  A week later they sense Santa's willingness to give, and are re-thinking their Christmas lists, still asking for gifts for their new sister, but:  P.S. Santa:  If you do give me a gift too, I'd like...).

At the end of the day, I find myself asking, "Why didn't we do this sooner?"  I can easily see keeping it simple as a holiday tradition that could continue indefinitely.

And none of the meaning of the holiday season has been lost.  In fact, it may have been found.

Family.

Friends.

Giving.

Peace.

Love.


For us our simple holiday has been a liberating discovery.  I don't presume to recommend the same changes to everyone.  (And just for the record, I'm not saying everyone should abandon the fun associated with Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, or any other seasonal celebration...the kid in me might just have to bring it all back next year...stay tuned).

I have found myself surprised at how easy it was to do what we had previously thought was impossible.  Sometimes change is good.

And on the off chance you find yourself on holiday overload, surround yourself with what you treasure most, and celebrate.

Loss: The (often) Unspoken Side of Adoption

How do you define love?

What about family?

Attachment?

Grief?

What about the definition of adoption?

The legal definition of adoption is creating a new, legal, permanent parent-child relationship where one didn’t previously exist.  Technically there isn’t anything wrong with that definition, but the reality of adoption is much, much more.  Like trying to define love or family, adoption can be an intangible denominator that both divides and unites; heals and hurts.

Several years ago I heard a respected colleague with a lifetime of adoption experience define adoption as:  the severing of natural bonds of love, affection and legal rights, and the formation of new ones.  It was the first time I'd heard all members of the adoption triad considered in a definition of adoption, and the first time I'd seen the unspoken reality of loss included in the same definition.

Just as divorce, medical diagnoses, disabilities, unemployment, and other losses don’t define an individual, the losses that are a part of the adoption process don’t characterize the individuals involved in adoption.  Adoption isn’t about loss, but loss is a part of adoption.  Adoptive relationships are relationships formed, in a very real sense, out of loss:  The loss of a birth mother as she places a child for adoption, the loss of the adoptee as they lose one family and gain another, and frequently the losses of adoptive parents as they face challenges of infertility or as they watch an adopted child struggle with their own losses.

Luis Mann said, “Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly.”

Grief is a natural process of adjustment that accompanies any form of loss.  Grief is a normal yet highly personal response to loss.  Unresolved in any form, these losses can lead to complications in relationships between parents and children, between siblings, and even between adoptive parents.  In adulthood, unresolved loss in the life of an adoptee can lead to repeated patterns of loss (loss of employment, friends, relationships, etc.).

Grief is not necessarily a long, involved process, and doesn't always involve complicated emotions.  In fact, when children are guided in a grieving process and emotions are validated as they surface, they are free do the work of making sense of the information that is their life.  They process difficult and sometimes conflicting realities, and when supported in their explorations, they acknowledge feelings of loss as they surface and learn to integrate it as part of their identity.

However, in cases where adoptive parents aren’t comfortable with those explorations, or the child is afraid of upsetting the family by bringing up questions about adoption, the natural grieving process can't take place, and the result becomes a life time of unresolved, complicated grief which, as stated above, can shape adult relationship and behavior patterns.

Ideas for resolving adoption loss in children:

• Allow emotions, even the uncomfortable ones:  Listen and acknowledge the child’s reality, even if it isn’t your own.  
• Don’t be afraid to go on difficult emotional journeys.  The need to make adoption into a happy experience is a parental response to trying to protect children from being hurt.  Acknowledging the loss doesn’t mean you caused it, and once acknowledged, the pain can be healed.  Imagine refusing acknowledgement to a child who comes to you with a scrape or an upset stomach.
• Don’t shy away from questions about difficult histories.  These too must be acknowledged.  Parents can present negative parts of a child’s history along with good pieces of information about heritage.  A history isn’t all bad or all good.  Information that is withheld can imply shame.  And always check for accuracy before sharing information.  If you’re not sure, share what you know and let the child know that you’re trying to find out more information, and as much a possible, include them in the search.
• Acknowledge and work through prejudices about lifestyles and choices of birth parents.  Children can sense when you have reservations about any part of their history, and will hide or deny their feelings to avoid the discomfort they feel from a parent who shows hesitation or reservation about their heritage or history.
•  Engage in activities to integrate feelings and history.  Share in making life books; celebrate milestone days; do art projects together about the child’s life; launch balloons with messages to a birth parent; write letters to give to a birth parent at a later date; create a time capsule; visit old caregivers, friends, schools, neighborhoods...  Ideas are as limited as your imagination.

Ideas for resolving adoption loss in adult adoptees:

• Identify supports in going through a grieving process.  If you acknowledge the loss, feelings of grief are sure to follow, and you’ll need to be able to identify people who can support you in that process.  Hopefully members of your adoptive family are a part of that support network, but some adoptive families can’t acknowledge that loss is reality of adoptive family living.  Don’t make it part of your journey to change what is.  Surround yourself with people who are ok with what is and begin your journey.
• No apologies about searching or not searching.  Adult adoptees who don’t search for their roots either 1)  report satisfaction with their identity, not feeling a need to search or 2) are afraid of hurting their adoptive family.  Adult adoptees who search for families identify reasons for searching as 1) desire to know genealogical roots; 2) desire to increase sense of identity; and 3) desire to establish a relationship with birth parents.  Interestingly enough, increased searching is identified with issues of unresolved grief, such as feeling incomplete, or uncertainty of life events leading up to adoption.  (Sobol, 1983)  Your history and identity are real, and deserving of acknowledgement.  If you choose to search, don’t apologize for wanting to find your roots.  Have you ever heard a biological family say their ancestry doesn’t matter?  There is an entire field devoted to searches of family ancestry.  Why would that same curiosity not extend to adoptees?
• Identify your losses.  What did you lose when you were adopted?  I asked that question once to a teen girl in therapy.  It took her a while to respond, and she was thoughtful about her response.  She knew she had a family, so she didn’t want to identify that as her loss.  After some discussion of the question, she said, “I lost the idea of a family.”  Perceived loss is just as real as actual loss.  If you were an infant when you were adopted, at some point in your life you had to realize that other people, sometime, somewhere loved you, and probably still do.  Resolving the idea of loss is important grief work.
• Seek professional resources.  If you’re embarking on this journey, fear is natural.  You'll have fears of rejection from those you have spent a lifetime loving, or fear of what you might find.  Fearing the unknown can prevent necessary journeys, and processing those fears in a professional counseling setting can move the journey forward.  Similarly, if the grief is more than you expected, or the disappointment of not finding what you were looking for has you feeling more loss, it would be helpful to seek guidance through the grief process.  Professionals remain objective, while others in your support system might have stronger opinions or feelings about your process.
• Imagine and look forward to a time when all the pieces of the puzzle finally fit.  It’s important to keep a vision in mind for the journey.  Be deliberate about the process.  Don’t give up.

Remember, adoption isn't about loss, but loss is a part of adoption.  Celebrate all that is good about adoption, but don't be afraid to step back and see the entire picture.

Read more about adoption issues here.

Information about the adult adoptees study cited above was obtained from:  (Michael P. Sobol and Jeanette Cardiff:  A Sociopsychological Investigation of Adult Adoptees' Search for Birthparents; Family Relations; Vol. 32, Number 4 (Oct. 1983) pp. 477-483.  


Background information:  This study was one of the first published in the 1980's about adult adoptees' attitudes on adoption.  Adoptees are referred to "the invisible member of the adoption triad" before the 1980's, when issues faced by adult adoptees first began to be publicly acknowledged.  Additional studies have shown that adults adopted prior to this time period report difficulty with feelings of loss and identity confusion during adulthood more frequently than their counterparts adopted after loss began to be acknowledged and discussed as a natural part of the adoption process.

Adoption Language: Why It Matters

"Are these your real parents?"

"How many real children do you have?"

"Why did you get taken away from your parents?

"How could you give up a child?"

"The agency is helping us find a baby."

Rita Laws, an adoptive parent and author, wrote the following about adoption language:

Natural child:  Any child who is not artificial
Real parent:  Any parent who is not imaginary
Your own child:  Any child who is not someone else's child
Adopted child:  A natural child, with real parents, who is all my own.

She humorously sheds light on the need for awareness of the language we use when discussing adoption.  A lot of people hear about respectful adoption language and think it's just a politically correct or sensitive way of speaking about adoption.  While that is partially true, the way in which we speak about adoption is much, much more.

Language evokes emotion.  It is both direct and subtle, intentional and accidental.  Each word and and inflection carries with it complexity from which our minds learn to decipher meaning.  From language we understand intent:  sincerity, sarcasm, uncertainty, energy, healing, and hurt.  There are a lot of theories about how we develop language and begin to communicate with our environment.  Included in most theories are the elements of imitation and emotion and the influence of environmental and social conditions.  As parents and adults, our communication with children becomes the foundation of the narratives for their lives.  Narrative psychology refers to the way in which human beings deal with experience both through the construction of narratives and listening to the narratives and stories of others.  In other words, our behaviors are connected to our stories, and our stories are formed through the use of language.  How important is it then, to make language intentional and purposeful in speaking with others about adoption?

Imagine the following narratives from the perspective of a child:

• A child hears a parent tell another adult they have "couldn't have children" so they "had to adopt," vs. a parent saying they decided to parent through adoption, or that they built or created their family through adoption.  It's the difference between a story built on a second-best choice vs. an intent to parent children or process by which a family was formed.
• A child hears an adult say to a parent who is adopting, "They're so lucky to have you," vs. a comment that "We just love your family."  One statement communicates love and support for a group of people whose bonds were formed through adoption, and one isolates the child's life as accidental rather than intentional.  (Most adoptive parents would say they're the "lucky" ones.)
• A child is adopted vs. was adopted.  It's amazing how changing one tiny word can shift the meaning of a statement from that of isolated identity (is adopted) vs. a description of the process by which a child entered a family (was adopted).
• An adult discusses a birth mother who gave up a child vs. a birth mother who placed a child through adoption.  The change in wording shifts the meaning from one of abandonment or rejection to one of a planned parenting choice about what was best for a child.

Other terms that matter when discussing adoption (the positive/respectful term is first and the negative term is second):

• Birth parent or biological parent vs. real parent or parent.
• Birth child/biological child vs. own child or real child
• My child vs. adopted child or own child
• Court terminated or rights terminated vs. child removed or child taken away
• Parenting choice vs. keeping or giving up
• Child placed through adoption vs. given up for adoption
• Child placed for adoption vs. unwanted child
• Planning to adopt vs. finding a baby or child
• Intercountry or international adoption vs. foreign adoption
• Child adopted from (country) vs. foreign child
• Citizenship status vs. alien or foreign status
• Child's rights vs. parent's rights
• Medical or special needs vs. something wrong or handicapped
• Waiting child or child vs. adoptable or available child

The list could go on and on, and as with all language choices, awareness is the key to being deliberate about communication.  In the month of adoption awareness, the message that language does matter can be spread in how we choose to talk about adoption.  Words become narratives which become life stories about human beings.

Remember:  "A good story cannot be devised.  It has to be distilled."  Raymond Chandler

Adoption Language: Why It Matters

November is national adoption month, so the topic of the month is...

Yes, adoption.  I love this subject!

Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's and one of America's famous adoptees became an advocate for adoption later in his life.  He said, "Every child deserves a home and love.  Period."  I agree.

700,000.

The estimated number of children in foster care in the United States in 2009.  That number was down from 800,000 the previous year, and since the year 2000 has fluctuated between 500,00 and 800,000.  In the past decade, US adoptions through foster care have climbed from around 50,000 per year to an estimated 57,000 in 2009.

During that same time span, the number of international adoptions completed by American families has fluctuated between just over 12,000 to almost 23,000, with 2009 being the lowest, which is explained primarily by worsening economic conditions (international adoption is expensive).  Fewer international adoptions have also taken place over the past 5 years as there have been changes in international laws governing adoptions.

Of course the need is always greater than the resources, but kudos to adoptive families.  That's a lot of adopted children!

Over the past 15 years, I have worked with birth mothers, adoptive parents, adoptees, attorneys, legislatures, boards, committees, and even the US Attorney's office on issues relating to adoption.  I've seen every side of adoption, and as an adoptive parent have also experienced the personal side of adoption.

Home studies and background checks to make sure I'm a fit parent.


Uncertainties about how to raise a child who was loved and let go.


Questions from well-meaning strangers who are trying to make sense of the odd mix of individuals standing before them.  "Are you a daycare or a family?" a woman once asked me.


Combing lice out of my infant daughter's hair on the first night I met her.


Holding my daughter while she screamed at having to drink formula she had never tasted from a stranger who looked nothing like the person who used to feed her.


Holding another daughter as she sobbed giant tears over the loss of her family...again, and again, and again.


Hearing the words, "Is is ok if I call you mom?" from a child who needed desperately to speak those words to another human being.


Sharing birthdays, Christmases, first days of school, trick-or-treating, and school programs.


Hearing, "I love you," and watching as bonds of friendship form between siblings who were once strangers.

All part of the journey of adoption.

Every family has a story, and most stories are filled with the twists and turns of life, but adoption is a ride all it's own.  Two of our four children are biological births and two were adopted into our family.  We have also begun the process of our third adoption.  Adoption has truly become a part of our family identity.  This is our story.

Both our biological children were the result of complicated high-risk pregnancies and deliveries.  We were twice blessed and happy to be parents.  Twice we had rolled the dice and the result had been two healthy boys and a healthy mom, but knowing the risks involved, we decided two was enough.  We thanked God and looked forward to a life of joy with our boys.

A week after our youngest son was home from the NICU we got a phone call from a family that knew both my husband and I, asking us to adopt the infant daughter of an extended family member who couldn't care for her.  "We already have a baby," was our first reply.  But what if...  It would be like having twins without the pregnancy and labor. Twins?  No!  Absolutely not!  But what if we never got the chance to adopt again?  A month later, child number three joined our family.  As we expected, it was a blur for the first few years, but a very fun blur, and we couldn't imagine our lives any other way.

As our babies became preschoolers we started looking into adoption again.  We didn't want to raise our daughter as the only adopted child in a family.  Once it almost worked out, and when it didn't we were heart broken, but tried again.  And again.  Finally we said, "Maybe not now."  We needed a break from the roller coaster of emotions that is adoption, and once again we found ourselves looking at the blessings right before our eyes and feeling very thankful to be parents.  We had three amazing children.  We couldn't want anything more.

Then our lives changed again in an instant as late one August evening I found myself standing with two grandmas over the hospital bed of a niece, searching for words that didn't want to come.  How do you tell a child that she no longer has a family?

The funerals and days, weeks, and months that followed were once again a blur.  Then one day she stopped calling me Aunt Mary and started calling me mom.  And I'll never forget the first time she relaxed as I scratched her back, or the first time she fell asleep in my arms.  I remember being in awe of the resilience of a child who could let herself be held and loved after losing everything.  Love is truly an amazing gift.

Once again we found ourselves looking through the eyes of healing at the blessing of being able to share our lives with four amazing children, still feeling the need to complete a journey we had started years ago.  A journey that was our own, one that we could reclaim from a life interrupted with grief.

And so it is that we are once again on the adoption journey.  In the adoption world, it isn't over until it's over, and we know that anything could happen to change the course of our journey at any given moment.  Hopefully not.  (We're pretty excited around our house.)  And if the roller coaster dips again, we're on this ride for the duration and count ourselves blessed to share the amazing lives of children we might not have ever known had it not been for adoption.

Other posts by Mary about adoption:

Adoption and Loss

Adoption Language

Parent/Neurologist

My sister's email signature reads, "Paths are made by walking!"  Interestingly enough (and not surprising to those who know me), I have always pictured a brain when I read that, and think of the neural pathways that are formed by human actions and interactions.  Fascinating if you think about it, that a series of responses can become a pathway which once traveled, can't be untravelled...  Or can it?

The theory of neuroplasticity isn't new, but it's a concept which is gaining momentum in the world of behavioral and neuroscience, and is a critical part of any parenting discussion.  After all, we can all use a do-over once in a while!

Parents, did you know you are neurologists and neuroscientists?  Neural pathways are formed in brains by human experience (primarily attachment experience), beginning from birth.  Children's development is dependent on the quality of early relationships, and throughout the course of our lifetimes, when faulty pathways are formed, it is frequently through human connection and interaction that new pathways are formed in their place.  Although most neural connections are formed in the first three years of life, our brains are constantly developing.  As new neural pathways are formed, our brains "prune" or get rid of unused pathways.  Experience is the main factor in determining which pathways are used and which are pruned.

Ideally, all children would be born into loving attachment relationships with all the neurological developmental processes in place to take advantage of every learning opportunity that comes to them.  In reality, many children are victims of developmental trauma and neglect, and still other children are born with dysfunctional sensory processing and modulation systems.  The acquisition of learning and skills in difficult in both cases, but not impossible if you believe in neuroplasticity.

As parent-neurologists, you have the ability to form and strengthen neural pathways with every interaction you have with your children.  Because human beings are social/relational creatures, we know the strength of connections is increased with the excitability of human interaction, particularly within the context of attachment relationships.  This of course makes healthy attachment critical, but in cases where attachments are dysfunctional, other significant adults can also become neurologists in the process of developing neural pathways.

Following is a model which can be implemented with children of all backgrounds and developmental abilities.  It's a model that is both borrowed and original (or rather borrowed pieces to the point that it is a combined original).  The goal is to use the parent-child (or adult-child) relationship to help achieve a state of emotional and behavioral self-regulation.  This model pre-supposes adult self-regulation, and frequently when that is a problem, I work with parents in therapy to get to a point they feel comfortable regulating their emotions enough to implement this type of process.

Ready for action?

1. Remove the stimulus.  When a tantrum or melt down occurs, there is usually someone or something which can be identified as the "stimulus."  The object or individual should be removed from a setting long enough for the child to redirect focus from an event/object to the overall goal of self regulation.  Side note about time-outs:  The concept of "time out" has become so distorted that the focus is number of minutes, or "time served" vs. the real goal of learning self-regulation.  If a child can return to a regulated state in 5 seconds, why do they have to sit somewhere for 5 minutes?  Neural pathways are forming during that time, and if they calm down and immediately receive positive feedback about this accomplishment, a neural pathway has formed, and their brain knows what to do the next time.  If they calm down in 5 seconds and have to spend the next 5 minutes in time out, what neural pathways are formed during that time?  Are they "thinking" about what they did?  Really?  More likely they're thinking about how unfair this is, and plotting ways for pay-back against who or whatever got them into time-out.  It's better to use time-out for emotional/behavioral regulation.  The "thinking" comes later.
2. Ensure predictability and safety.  During the removal of stimulus, does the child know what is expected?  Will they get the toy back or be able to return to the activity when they are calm?  Clearly state the expectation and limits.  Adults can help ensure safety by making sure that the "time out" location is as stimulus-free as possible so children do not become destructive if they are angry (more about how to handle that later in the process).  If children are physically fighting, adults should be aware that safety comes before emotional regulation.  Children cannot regulate unless they feel safe.  If they are carried, dragged, our forced into another setting, this often increases physical aggression as a normal "fight or flight" response.  In spite of fighting back (and especially when fighting back) children are seeking the security of knowing what to do.  Angry reactions are frequently a response to fear and happen in the absence of other skills.  Alternatively, adults can communicate they are in charge of the "time-out" by stating, "It looks like you're taking  your time-out right there.  I'll stand here with you until you're calm and we can talk about what happens next."  The plan of refusing to comply with specific time-out requirements is thwarted.  Who says time-outs have to take place in a corner?  The goal is emotional self-regulation, and forcing compliance can derail that process.
3. Identify target emotional states.  It frequently takes children who are distressed a long time to calm down.  If there are "lulls" in the tantrum, an adult can identify that as a calm emotional state.  True story:  I had a mother once tell me that she had this in mind while her daughter (who had attachment disorder) was calming down.  She said it was taking forever for her to be calm, and she couldn't find a pause to identify any emotion that was remotely close to calm.  At one point her daughter was sobbing and she gasped like people do when they have been sobbing for a long time.  As she drew in a breath, her mother quickly noticed and said, "Oh, you calmed down just for a second."  That small identification of "calm" gave her daughter a target and literally within seconds her daughter drew another breath and her mom identified "calm" again.  When the daughter returned to crying, it was more of a "fake cry" for a few minutes, interspersed with "calm" breathing.  As the crying decreased, the mother identified to her daughter that the crying wasn't as loud and it sounded like she could calm down.  The daughter acted upset at the mother telling her this, but she allowed it and continued to allow her self to be guided in the self-soothing process.   Interestingly enough, tantrums after that were lessened significantly.  Mom used a calm emotional state to help the daughter to self-regulate, and the daughter's neural pathways for self regulation continued to form.
4. When everyone is calm, talk about the behavior.  Parents think they have to talk about behaviors right when they happen.  Children as young as three or four are capable of remembering earlier behaviors.  Parents can identify the positive (the child is calm) and agree to have a talk about the behavior later.  "Later" when you have the discussion, identify target behaviors.  Let the child know if they become upset or whine, the discussion has to take a time-out until later, but no toys, TV, etc. until the discussion has taken place.  The child's natural drive to return to activity is on your side!  This step sometimes requires going back and forth between step 3 and 4 until a conversation takes place in a calm emotional state.  It is critical for everyone to be calm during this phase, because in a state of dysregulation, the brain's main goal becomes survival, and cognitive neural pathways are not formed in extreme emotional states.
5. The discussion should include three main components:  a) What happened?  b) What could you do differently? and c)  How can you fix it?  A variety of responses are acceptable.  Adults should not be looking for "right" responses.  The only "right" response is the child having a thought process about their actions and thinking through problem solving and repair.  As this process is repeated (The first thousand times are the hardest!) they form cognitive skills that can override emotionally dysregulated responses.  It's all about forming neural pathways.  If the words come out of your mouth "telling" them the "right" answer, they'll nod agreeably so they can return to their activity, but the only neural pathway being formed is the one that says, "Nod and smile when adults speak to you so you can get out of uncomfortable interactions a lot faster!"  No matter how long it takes, the responses should be their responses.  If their answers are inappropriate, you can redirect the responses with more questions rather than telling them the answers.  The "How can you fix it?" portion of this discussion is a great place to introduce the concept of destructive behavior.  If the child was destructive during the tantrum, help them fix what was broken or work with them to earn money for a replacement so they recognize what happened.  The next time when they're upset and begin destructive behavior, the new neural pathway in their brain will recognize the prompt of "We'll have to fix that later," if they choose to break something.  (It may take a lot of fixing broken things to get good results.  Neural pathways take time to form, hence the caution to make the time-out location be as stimulus free as possible.)
6. Recognize the need for early redirection.  Children often give signals they are beginning to get overstimulated, which may lead to a meltdown.  It's easier to prevent and redirect negative behavior than to stop it.  If you see the signals (hyperactivity, change in tone of voice, not responding to redirection, etc.), suggest an alternate activity before the child gets to a dysregulated state.  If they learn to redirect, this also becomes a neural pathway.  As adults, we "redirect" all the time by taking breaks.  Notice the need to redirect, but only draw attention to the more calm, redirected behaviors.  If transitions are difficult (as they often are in children with developmental delays) you may have to engage them in an alternative behavior you know they are interested in as you make a transition.

Again, the first thousand times are the most difficult.  You'll forget.  They'll forget.  You'll get distracted.  You'll be exhausted and need a few time-outs yourself.  Neural pathways take time to form.  Think of a brain injury or stroke patient working with a physical or occupational therapist.  It takes literally hundreds and hundreds of attempts and repetitions to regain skills lost to injury.  The same may be true for children who have not had a typical course of neural development.  The point of encouragement is that change is possible.  Brains are plastic...and you're now a neurologist!

Say No To Drugs

In 1985, Enrique (Kiki) Camarena, a drug enforcement agent for the DEA, was close to exposing a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline when he was kidnapped and killed by some of Mexico's leading drug traffickers.  Saddened by the loss of a great officer, friend, and family member, those closest to him organized community groups to speak out against drug trafficking and to make drug free pledges in his honor.  Participants wore a red ribbon, symbolizing their commitment and pledge.  Thirty years later, Red Ribbon Week has become one of the nation's largest drug awareness programs.  Schools, businesses, media, community, and faith based organizations continue to sponsor drug free awareness events to publicize what is now known as  "Red Ribbon Week."

Earlier this year I volunteered with PTA to help with Red Ribbon Week events at my daughter's school.  Early in the planning process, we thought it would be a great idea for every Sunrise Elementary student to be able to plant a red bulb that would come up in the spring, reminding students of their promise to grow up drug free.

What was I thinking?!?

Dig a hole, throw in a bulb, cover it up.  How hard can that be?  Not so difficult, really.  ...Times 760 students and 29 different classes...  Thankfully a small army of parent volunteers made "Plant the Promise to Grow Up Drug Free" a huge success.  The final bulb went in the ground this afternoon, and with any luck, there will be 760 red tulips surrounding Sunrise Elementary in the spring.

Through the week as each group of students came outside to plant their bulbs, we engaged them in a short discussion of the importance of growing up drug free.  The other volunteer coordinator of the project shared with me today that a little girl in one of her groups said something about her mom not being healthy because of taking drugs and drinking alcohol.  Off and on through the planting process I heard a few other similar comments, and even specific references to drugs by name and terms associated with drug use.  It was disheartening to think that for some of the students, the only positive discussions they will ever have with adults about drugs comes from PTA volunteers.

At the same time I heard comments which reaffirmed what a powerful force parents are in the goal of helping children to grow up drug free.

"My parents talk to me about drugs," one girl told me.

"I know how to plant bulbs because I plant them with my mom," said another boy.

My favorite was from a fourth grader who had to dig a hole in a difficult spot of ground.  As he dug he told me how strong he was, and said, "I get it from my dad," then added, "I'm growing up to be just like him."

Parents, you really are the anti-drug.

There is a lot of current research supporting the role of parents in drug prevention.  In fact, most anti-drug campaigns target parent involvement as the key to children and teens avoiding drug traps.  When teens are surveyed about influences that keep them from trying drugs, parents are at the top of the list.  Yes, they really are listening.

Other ideas for helping to prevent drug abuse:

• Talk early and talk often.  Preschool is not too early to introduce discussions about drugs.  At this age there should be a foundation and vocabulary for discussions that will follow.  They can know there are drugs to help you when you're sick and drugs that make you sick and unhealthy.  They can know that drugs should come from a doctor and they shouldn't take them unless their name is on the label or prescription.  
• By early elementary school, children will hear references to drug use from peers and media.  A foundation of previous drug discussions leads progressively into continuing discussions about drugs as children's awareness grows.  Parents should let their children talk about the things they hear without discouraging the discussion or labeling it as "bad."  This is a great age to start referring specifically to health risks of smoking and alcohol abuse.  As you see advertising about cigarettes and alcohol, view it as an opportunity to point out myths associated with advertising and to discuss how the job of companies is to make money by getting people to buy their products.
• Later in elementary school children may start to seem bored with discussions about drug and alcohol use, but parents should initiate discussions, especially when opportunities present themselves (a unit in school, a drug reference on TV, etc.)  Many opportunities for discussions at this age occur informally, while driving, while engaging in an activity together, etc.  These are natural opportunities for discussion about the effects of drinking and driving, or the effects of drugs on health that might prevent engaging in sports or recreation.
• The same is true for teens, with a twist.  Teens have to develop autonomy.  That's the developmental goal of the teen years.  Parents have to strike a balance between involvement and control.  Ask questions, but be sure to avoid interrogations and make your questions come from a genuine interest in your child's life and friends.  Also, don't stop taking advantage of natural opportunities for discussion.  Let teens know that privileges are an extension of responsibility.  Love is extended unconditionally.  Trust is earned.  (I can love you enough to help you get where you need to be, but if you crashed my car three times last week, I probably won't trust you with the keys.)  

And a few more important ideas:

• Pre-teens and teens will know peers who become involved with drugs.  Parents should be empathetic to the conflicting messages and emotions their children will process as they see others go through drug use or experimentation.  It can be confusing and hurtful to see a peer go through changes in behavior, academic performance, etc.  Parents should not read empathy for friends or desire to talk about a friend's drug use as a desire for their child to be in the same situation.  Mostly they will want to talk and (even though they won't say it) they're looking for support and validation as they form their own ideas and opinions about the world.  Look for signs they want to talk, and be available for the really difficult conversations.
• If children or teens experiment with drugs, parents should value their role as allies in fighting against the drugs, not in fighting against their child about drugs.  Battles create a wedge.  Empathy creates a bond.  The rules and limits should continue to be clear, but should be enforced with love.  Parents should understand enabling behaviors, and understand the difference between being a parent and being a friend.  
• If teens are experimenting with drugs, parents should seek professional help.  Many parents ignore early warning signs and think they can fight the battle alone.  Addiction isn't about behavior, rules, or ability.  It's about overcoming strong chemical and biological urges created by substances which alter brain chemistry.  Early intervention is key.  It's a myth that someone using drugs has to hit "rock bottom" before they can get help.

Like the small army of volunteers helping students to "plant the promise," it takes a small army to help kids win the day-to-day battle against peer and cultural influences.  Parents lead the army.  Without you, it's a difficult battle to fight.

Do-ing vs. Be-ing

A 9 year old boy once said to me in a therapy session, "We are human beings, not human doings."  When he said this, I was sure he was just about the smartest 9 year old I had ever met.  Since then I've heard that quote other times, in other places, enough to know that it probably wasn't his original thought, but I do think often of the wisdom in that quote, and often wish that our western world would slow down just a little bit so we could really enjoy the "being" part of our nature.

We've all heard of the Type A and Type B personality theory.  Type A personalities are described as having a sense or urgency and importance about everything they do.  They are competitive and achievement oriented, and place less emphasis on relaxation and fun.  Type B personalities are described as the opposite.  They're patient, relaxed, and easy-going.  Lacking a sense of urgency, they seem to live in the moment without a lot of concern about direction or choice.

Personally, I identify more with the former category, and have wished my entire life to be a little more Type B.  I must have had some success, because my husband (a Type B) frequently describes me as a Type C personality, which, in his words, is "Type A about turning into Type B."  At least he can have a sense of humor about it...and that would be the Type B in him again.  Go figure.

The healthy truth is that balance is good.  We are human beings, but we wouldn't survive without doing, and as parents, it is important for us to be able to model a healthy balance of being and doing for our children.  It is critical to the development of self-worth.  An over emphasis on doing creates anxiety and stress.  An over emphasis on being creates apathy and indifference.  Neither is healthy.

In reality, it's difficult to strike a balance.  How do you get an overly anxious child to relax and enjoy life?  And what about the child who refuses to even acknowledge the existence of homework?  Is there any hope at all?

Think of this as an experiment.  You acknowledge that self worth in children comes from feeling valued, and know that you play a critical role in the development of self-worth.  Then, as with all experiments, you can't be sure where it will lead, but all attempts are feedback which will lead to new discoveries and new experiments.  (Safety goggles are not required but should be available in case of emergency.)

• Start by taking a few days to notice what you value in your child.  Do they make you laugh?  Are they smart?  Do you have a self-starter?  Are they kind?  Make a list...or not.  What did you notice?  
• Notice your reaction when you see what you value in your child.  Did you smile?  Did you acknowledge it to them?  Remember, every child deserves to look into the face of a parent and see delight.
• Decide which of the things you value would go in the "doing" category, and which would go in the "being" category.  If you're the list making type, would the "doing" list be longer than the "being" list or vice versa?
• Think of a small step that might help balance the list.  If your child is loaded with "being" traits, how can you encourage more "doing" qualities?  Would adding/removing motivators help them move toward a goal?  If the "doing" category is becoming a little too heavy, how can you encourage your child in more of the "being" traits?
• Use your relationship with  your child to help accomplish more balance in being/doing categories.  When you join with your child in what it is you would like them to accomplish, they are more likely to engage.
• Catch your child doing things in the area that seems most unbalanced.  If your child is content to just be, catch them working toward a goal and become excited about it.

Warning:  It is also important to be aware of the uncomfortable emotions that come up in the process of this experiment.  Being aware can lead to acknowledgement of difficult and sometimes painful feelings about parenting.  Not acknowledging those feelings can lead to resentment, which certainly your child will hear in your voice and see on your face.  It's all feedback to a child.  Disapproval can inadvertently lead to feelings of low self-worth.  Noticing the uncomfortable might be a step best accomplished in small doses, and if you find yourself stuck in the process, try talking it out with a spouse, a friend, a sibling... or a therapist.

Remember, start small.  The goal is balance.  As a recovering Type A personality, I can honestly say the grass is green on both sides of the fence.  There is a lot to be gained in those being moments, and starting small can actually be the most rewarding part of the process.  Don't worry about staying too long on the observation phase of your experiment.  You'll be surprised what happens through observation alone.

Just notice.

Notice your child.

Notice your reactions.

Notice their responses to your reactions.

Notice them.

And tell them you noticed.

You Are A Good Parent

Theme for October...drum roll please!

Ok, so I'm not really sure I have a theme for October yet, but parenting has been on my mind a lot lately, so I'll go with that.

"You are a good parent."

...Words we love to hear, but don't hear often enough.

Prior to starting my private practice I led a weekly parent-child relationship group.  It was part of a cluster of groups where parents met in one room while their children met separately to work on social and relationship skills.  The children of said parents were kiddos who struggled in practically every setting.  They were children with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Attachment Disorder...and the list goes on.  Parenting these children was a particular challenge, hence the parenting group.

Needless to say, parents often come to group exhausted and discouraged, with little progress to report, and they were honest about it.  Parents new to the group were always pleasantly surprised and relieved to hear they weren't the only ones struggling.  Group check in frequently became an update on the week's disasters.  It wasn't uncommon for parents to keep tabs on whose son or daughter was kicked out of daycare or suspended from school.  Parents often expressed frustration at hearing well-meaning peers, co-workers, neighbors, and teachers hint that their child's problem was a case of bad parenting.  I believe, and frequently tried to reinforce to the group, that they were exceptional parents who were dealing with issues that many parents will never experience; problems which required them daily to reach down deep inside themselves to find a level of parenting they didn't know existed.

I remember one week that seemed abnormally tough for most of the parents.  During our group check-in, I heard parent after parent describe their week.

"My son dumped craft paint all over a newly painted, newly carpeted room at daycare.  On purpose!"


"We had a huge meltdown at the grocery store and I have huge bruises on my legs and arms from trying to carry my son to the car."


"Someone called DCFS on us...same neighbor, for the eighth time."

I could tell that on that particular night the group needed a little more than the usual "hoorah" for their efforts.  Earlier that same week I had watched a television interview on the news of a mother discussing her toddler's recovery after he had nearly drowned in the bathtub.  She had stepped away for only a minute, but that's all it took.  During the television interview the mother said, "I know I'm a good mom."  That statement stuck with me because I could tell when she said it she believed it.  Inside I celebrated because I knew that her little boy would not have to grow up in the shadow of his mother's guilt at having walked away from the bathtub for only a minute.  She could forgive herself.  They could enjoy the gift of life they had been given.  In the heirarchy of importance to a child, it was a blessing equal to that little boy's life.  Every child deserves to look into their parent's eyes and see delight.  (See more on the story here.)

As I shared the story with my group, a mom in the back of the room started to cry, first little tears, but before long she was sobbing.     Other parents shared tears as well.  One by one they began to express hurt and anger at the the invalidating things they so often hear from others about their children.  It seemed that everyone had an opinion about their child, and everyone had advice, yet no one but them had to walk in their shoes all day, every day without a break.  In the fatigue of their lives, fun was often lost to function, and they were operating in survival mode.

Under ordinary circumstances, being able to say, "I'm a good parent," isn't always easy.  We beat ourselves up for everything...missed appointments, late homework, dirty laundry, a sink full of dishes.

I've done it too.  On the day of the group I mentioned above, I remember listening to the group and thinking about my own day.  I hadn't left myself enough time that morning and had rushed my kids, and doled out my own share of mommy guilt for being impatient with them.  I had also remembered half way through the day that I missed a soccer sign up for my daughter.

So how much more difficult is it for parents of children with emotional and behavioral difficulties, who hear constantly about the problems their child is having, to feel good about being a parent?  It isn't what they expected it would be, and everyone and everything in their world reinforces to them that they should be different, or their child should be different.

I came across this online video again a few days ago, and posted it to facebook.  It's an essay by Emily Pearl Kingsley, the mother of a child with Downs Syndrome.  Emily was a writer for the PBS children's program, Sesame Street.  Early in her career, Emily gave birth to a son with Downs Syndrome.  Subsequently, she used her work to create awareness of children with special needs, and people with disabilities were often included in the show's programming.  I think she beautifully captures what it means to be the parent of a child with any type of disability.



Remember:  "You are a good parent."  Go hug that kid and tell them you love them and are glad you're on this journey with them.

Getting Involved

I've already said that I learn a lot from children.  Such was the case last weekend when our family participated in a charity fundraiser, organized by my nephew, Stephen.

Earlier this year, Stephen attended a meeting where representatives from Free the Children presented the audience with the idea of using your personal gifts, combined with issues you care about to improve the world.  This concept inspired Stephen, who (with a lot of help from his mom) organized Water Walk Utah.  The goal was to raise money to build a well for a village in Kenya so that children who carry water long distances to help take care of their families would, instead, be able to attend school.   Walkers who signed up hoisted whatever water they could carry the distance of a 5k.  Stephen's goal was $5,000.00, the cost of drilling one well.  By the end of the day Stephen had raised over $8,000.00 to contribute to Free the Children, and raised awareness around the issue of educational opportunities for children in another part of the world.

Here in our own country, where education is considered a right protected by law, the issues are different.  Partly because of Stephen, and partly because I've been posting about similar issues lately, I'm more aware of discussions going on around me about education.

At the beginning of the week I was with some other women who were talking about the new documentary Waiting For Superman, which had been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show.  I'm not sure where I've been lately, but I hadn't heard of the documentary before that conversation.  (No offense to Oprah.  I just don't watch a lot of TV.)  I was both intrigued and validated by this conversation; intrigued because of the level of concern surrounding the issue, and validated that I wasn't the only one concerned about the quality of education in our country.

As the week progressed, l began hearing snippets of discussion about President Obama's comments on The Today Show (NBC), also addressing the quality of education in our country.  Through the week various discussions around the issue of educational quality have taken place on NBC's Education Nation.  Regardless of your politics, the need to discuss and be involved in the issue of education isn't new, and clearly continues to capture universal interest.

Below are some additional resources that provide more information about issues facing education, and give ideas for individual action and involvement.  No effort is too small.

• PTA (Parent Teacher Association) is a great connection between schools and parents, and offers a lot of information as well as opportunities for involvement, fundraising, and community outreach.  If your school is not affiliated with PTA, get involved in your school's individual parent-teacher organization.
• NEA (National Education Association) and NEA-parents both offer unlimited resources, ideas connections, and opportunities for involvement for both parents and professionals.
• PIRC (Parent Information Resource Center) offers state by state directories, contacts, and resources available to parents as well as free online learning opportunities and opportunities for discussion.

Could it really be as simple as the idea that inspired Stephen to action?  Start where we are.  Do what we can.  Get involved.  Ask questions.  Think innovatively.  Be informed.  Follow the formula that inspired Stephen:  Your gifts + Your issues = A Better World.

When Simple Interventions Don't Work: IEP and 504 Suggestions

Helen Keller once said, "One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."  What acknowledgement of the spark within every human spirit to find fulfillment in life!

Miss Keller's own life became a representation of this ideal.  As the first deaf-blind person to earn a college degree, she became one of the pioneers of political activism and advocacy for people with disabilities.  In spite of her personal accomplishments, her political views were unpopular and antagonists questioned her intelligence.  Ironic, isn't it?  I love her response.  Referring to critics as "socially blind and deaf,"  she stated, "The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision."  

In a century where it is now commonplace to see children with physical and mental disabilities receiving an education alongside typically developing children, it would seem that we have caught the vision.  Regardless, laws to protect the educational rights of children have received both praise and criticism.  As you can imagine, implementation of such laws is as varied as the states and individual districts across our country.  Factors such as varying budgets and student population require a wide range of adaptation, begging the concern that the individual needs of students are lost in the process of protecting their rights.  Is it possible that Helen Keller's description of sight with no vision might still apply?

The words IEP and 504 might seem foreign if you're unfamiliar with the educational world of a child with disabilities.  IEP stands for Individualized Education Plan, and was a product of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).  504 Accommodtions refers specifically to section 504 of the The Rehabilitation Act and Americans with Disabilities Act which protects the rights of individuals with disabilities to participate in federally funded activities. (Yes folks, that includes public school.)

To differentiate between the need for an IEP or a 504, think academic progress vs. academic access.  IEP's focus more on helping a student to progress toward grade-level goals.  A 504 is an accommodation that gives children access to educational services.

The need for both IEP's and 504's is based on eligibility.  A specific delay, disability, impairment, or illness must be identified, and it must be shown that the condition affects the child's ability to perform in school.  The second part of that eligibility requirement is frequently overlooked.  Imagine the cost to school systems if every child with any identified illness or disability was required to receive special educational services.


That said, once a child has been found eligible, the possibilities are limitless for educational goals and accommodations.  You could read all day about IEP and 504 Accommodations via the search engine on  your computer, and if you're interested in learning more, that isn't a bad idea.  Parents should educate themselves before beginning the eligibility process with their child.  I've seen educators who do an excellent job of recognizing the unique educational needs of children who struggle (applause!).  Unfortunately, there are schools out there who seem to count on the fact that a lot of parents don't understand their rights in the eligibility process.  If you're concerned your school might fall into the latter category, here are some great examples of resources to get you started on becoming an informed participant in your child's IEP or 504 process.

• Wright's law--Information about laws affecting special education
• 504 Accommodations--Lists of common reasons for accommodations and accommodation ideas
• NAMI--National Alliance on Mental Illness (click on the tab at the top to find your local NAMI).  NAMI has representatives who will go to school team meetings as advocates for parents/children and support groups for parents trying to access resources for their children.
• Other parents--Sorry.  No web link to that one, but one of the best resources is getting involved in play groups, school activities, church groups, etc. where you will meet other parents and realize you're not alone!  If your touring a foreign country for the first time, it's better to go with a guide.

The parent role in the process of gaining services is critical.  I've seen parents show up to meetings without really participating.  They sign forms and give permission and approval for interventions without being more than a token part of the process.  Parents, your role is critical.  I'll say it again.  No one knows a child better than the parents.  Parents often feel that their goals are at odds with those of the school or educational system.  In reality, the goals are often the same, with both sides working for what they feel is in the best interest of the child, but the roles are different.  Returning to Helen Keller's quote about vision vs. sight, parents are are the vision while professionals are the sight.  That is the reality of different roles.  Professionals are familiar with interventions, skills, requirements, and laws affecting the ongoing eligibility of children receiving special education services.  Parents provide insight into history, strengths, and abilities and should not minimize their role in the process.  Below are other common mistakes parents make in seeking services for their child:

• Becoming adversarial--The old saying is true that you catch more flies with honey.  If you go into a meeting with a teacher or team of professionals on the defensive, attacking the jobs and roles of people who are helping your child, do you really think they'll walk out of the meeting saying, "Wow.  Johnny's mom is right.  We really need to step it up."  Not likely.  To maintain your cool, even when frustrated, picture yourself as part of a professional team.  Educate yourself about the process and your rights, take notes in meetings, ask informed questions, and provide concrete examples of your observations.  
• Lack of documentation--Part of the process of eligibility for services is written requests for services.  Written requests also establish a timeline and protect the parent and child in making sure needs are met in a more timely manner.  Check with  your school district for specific requirements for written requests.  Also request documentation from the school regarding meetings, schedules, and actions taken (or not taken).
•   Not requesting an assessment--Frequently parents ask a teacher or other school professional if they think their child could benefit from a particular service.  The teacher's opinion is not an approval or denial of services.  Access to services does not come without an assessment of the child's needs.  Don't forget, the need for assessment is not based solely on the diagnosis/condition, but on a combination of a condition and the child's ability to perform in school.
• Not requesting information that would prepare parents for a team meeting--Remember, you are a part of a team of professionals.  Other professionals on the team will have access to information on your child such as grades, evaluation/assessment results, etc.  Be sure to get copies of this information ahead of time so that you can prepare to be a part of the team discussion.  The purpose of team meetings is not to inform you of assessment results, but to formulate a special education plan for your child based on results.  Parents need to know results ahead of time.
• Feeling rushed--Time limits may be given for meetings, which is understandable given the schedules of school professionals.  As a courtesy to other team members, acknowledge the time, but if you feel the meeting hasn't clearly defined goals, or covered intervention options, don't hesitate to request a few more minutes, or ask for another meeting.  Also feeling rushed often leaves parents apologizing for asking questions, or leaving questions for later.  Make sure your questions are answered in the meeting.  If you ask a question and it isn't answered, politely acknowledge that you aren't clear on the answer to your question and ask it again if necessary. 
• If it doesn't fit, don't use a bigger hammer!  Sometimes the answer isn't in specialized educational services.  As human beings we adapt and make informal accommodations for ourselves every day.  If we're bothered by a light or noise, we shut it off.  If we're uncomfortable sitting, we move around.  Try talking with a teacher about informal accommodations such as sitting somewhere else in the classroom or reducing a spelling list while the child eases into the school year.  Also, teachers are generally open to discussing educational goals in parent-teacher conferences.  These goals and accommodations aren't an official IEP or 504 plans, but they're the kinds of modifications that help teach children valuable skills about adapting to life.  Maybe the answer isn't a huge, formalized process.

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."  If disorders are getting in the way of soaring, we live in a time and place where rights to an education for all are protected by law.  It is my belief that most children want to soar.  It is our obligation to use laws and systems to help them do just that.

The other day I was cutting out a label on my daughter's ballet skirt.  The white label showing through the sheer black fabric bothered me (and her), so it was coming off.  As I cut the label, I glanced at what I was throwing away.  Size...just a number.  Company label...don't need it.  Care instructions...here I paused to read.   Wash with similar fabrics, tumble dry low, do not iron...all potentially important instructions, but I'd just have to rely on memory and common sense.  As long as that annoying white label wasn't showing, it didn't matter.

Maybe you get where I'm going with this.  How important are labels in helping to educate students with disabilities?  Like the label in my daughter's dance skirt, most disability labels aren't pretty.  They're functional.  If we remove the label, can we trust our common sense to provide for a child's educational needs?

There's a lot of information out there cautioning against labeling children, and the concerns are valid.  1)  Self fulfilling prophecy:  Do children come to identify themselves and their abilities based on a label?  2)  Over diagnosis and over labeling:  Do schools (and mental health practitioners) diagnose more than they have in the past and is a diagnosis really necessary?  3)  Generalization:  Labels are, by nature, generalizations.  They fail to recognize a child's unique limitations and strengths.  4)  Socialization:  Even though children with disabilities often struggle socially, there is criticism that labeling could cause the child to be singled out further by peers.

We're all familiar with individuals we know personally who we think may meet the criteria for diagnosis of a mental health disorder.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  A serious mental illness is partially defined by a lack of functioning in daily life skills.  If children can compensate and function in school and home environment, a diagnosis may not necessarily serve them.  You've heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

So to label or not to label?  And does labeling help a student who is struggling academically?

The answer to that question is more likely to be individual than general.  Each parent and educator has to examine the pros and cons for students on an individual basis.  Personally, I'm not opposed to labeling a child if it helps in treatment and access to services in schools that can help a child succeed academically.  That said, here are a few tips and cautions to consider in the label or not labeling debate:

Tips:

• Seek accurate and differential diagnosis.  Work with clinicians that coordinate care with multiple resources, including school and medical professionals.  Collaborative efforts lead to a more clear and accurate picture of what is happening with a child.  I've seen parents complete an evaluation form for ADHD where all the criteria pointing toward a diagnosis were marked, only to have the teacher complete the same evaluation form for the same child indicating that the child meets few or none of the diagnostic criteria in the school environment (and vice versa).  Generally, to meet diagnostic criteria, symptoms exist across a variety of settings.   
• Which leads to the next tip:  Rule out other causative factors first.  Perhaps there is something going on in the home or school environment that better explains the child's symptoms.  Perhaps there is a dietary or medical condition contributing to the symptoms.  This is actually fairly common.  Everyone is different, but personally I'm in favor of the lowest level of intervention possible which is best accomplished by examining a wide range of contributing factors.  
• Medication may not be the intervention of choice for every child, but in cases where medication is indicated as the best treatment option, a diagnosis (label) is necessary.  As I've already said, I'm a huge fan of ruling out all causative factors and focusing on moderate interventions first, but that's not the answer for everyone.  One of the most important developmental tasks of school-aged children is to develop competence.  This requires self-mastry, relating with others, engaging in social relationships, and completing tasks successfully, all of which are difficult for children with any type of mental disability.  If medication can help a child achieve that particular developmental milestone with success, it should be considered as a treatment option.  
• Trust your instincts.  Parents generally know their children better than anyone else and should never apologize for advocating for their child.  Professionals have access to information parents don't have which could be helpful to the parent and the child, but the application of that knowledge is incomplete without guidance from the people who know the child best.  Parents, don't abdicate your judgement to professionals.  Ask questions, get answers, then make a decision that you feel is in the best interest of your child.

Cautions:

• Don't use (or allow the child to use) the label as a crutch.  As a practitioner, I am disheartened when I hear a parent or teacher refer to their child (even indirectly) as incapable because of a diagnosis.  Children with ADHD can do anything other children can do.  They might have to do it differently, but they develop that all-important sense of competence when they are given skills to succeed.  Similarly, children's negative behavior should not be dismissed because of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis is not a get-out-of-life free card.  Frequently I ask parents to picture their child with a physical disability, maybe dwarfism, or a hearing impairment.  Would you want that child to never pursue the same goals and ambitions as other children simply because of a disability?  Or picture an adult criminal who justifies a crime because they happen to have some type of disability.  None of us want to live in that kind of world, and learning the connection between actions and consequences starts before adulthood.
• Next, parents should not rely solely on school resources for diagnosis and treatment.  School systems do a great job of educating children.  As part of that educational process, they are required to maintain a staff of professionals to help children succeed academically.  Professionals such as teacher's aides, speech and language pathologists, school psychologists, and occupational therapists (among others) are hired by a district and are frequently spread between several different schools.  Their focus (as it should be) is on helping children to function in the school environment.  Functioning in a school environment is important for future success, but functioning across all settings is also important.  Include professionals in your child's treatment that will collaborate with school professionals on treatment rather than relying completely on school professionals for treatment.
• Don't give up!  Every school, class, teacher, and intervention is not right for every child.  Too often I see parents react angrily when their child's needs aren't being met in school.  The child's needs are best met if parents keep trying.  The answers don't come immediately, and schools are operated by human professionals who do their best to help children succeed.  There is no guarantee of perfect results.  We know that, but it's difficult for parents to remember when they see their child struggle.  As parents of children with special needs know, there are good days and bad days (even though sometimes it seems as if there are only bad days and worse days).  Tomorrow is a new day.  Try something new.  It might work.  

Returning to the ballet skirt example, there will be times when a label clearly doesn't serve a purpose.  Common sense and good judgement are sufficient, and the freedom of removing the label outweighs the need for the label.  There are other times the label may contain detailed and important information.  Like clothes, not all children are of the wash and wear variety.  Some require specific care instructions or services to continue to function.  In the school setting those special care instructions come in the form of IEP's and 504 Accommodations.  (Look for the next post about using these resources and accommodations to help children in school.)  Unlike the very general dry clean only instructions in clothing, they're specifically tailored to the educational needs of each child and can be a great asset to children, parents and educators.

The bottom line:  It's up to you.  Don't be too quick to get out the scissors and start cutting if a label is the source of meeting your child's needs.  Ask questions and trust your judgement.  This is your journey.

Laugh And The Class Laughs With You...

Honestly, deep down we all love a good class clown.  "Bueller? ...Bueller?  ...Bueller?"  Or if you're in the generation that missed Ferris Bueller, maybe it was Bart Simpson that made you laugh.  Either way, it's difficult to resist funny.  And teachers who can smile through being upstaged by the class clown deserve extra merit.


Class clowns really are quite funny, and not every class clown creates problems for parents and educators.  For many clowning types, it's just part of their nature to put on a show.  They draw laughs because they are funny, and most in-it-for-the-show clowns seem to sense boundaries and aren't as likely to cause behavior problems in a classroom.  Other students, whose poor attempts at clowning fall into the category of behavior problems aren't as lucky.  They struggle with impulsivity, boundaries, and authority.  Still others seem to completely lack a social sense of what others around them consider funny, and their behavior frequently crosses lines of appropriateness.  Whether they're in it for the fun, or struggling with severe behavioral issues, every class clown will eventually learn:  Laugh and the class laughs with you... But you get detention alone.

And most parents of children with behavior problems also feel alone.  I can't begin to count the number of parents who have said to me, "His teacher said he needs more discipline," or "I can tell the school thinks we're bad parents."  In a parent group I ran for several years, parents identified with each other over this issue almost weekly.  I truly believe that educators do the most they can every day with often limited resources, and it is the role of parents to work with educators to solve problems that impede their child's education.

At the same time, if you're a parent who finds yourself cringing when you see the school's phone number pop up on caller ID you can also probably relate on some level to the feelings described above.  If only good parenting could solve all behavior problems...

Parenting and school issues aside, a focus on educating children is the motivation behind solving behavior problems.  Wouldn't it be great if there was a list that would make behavior problems disappear entirely?  Meanwhile, back in the real world here are some ideas parents might find helpful:

• As simple as it sounds, don't underestimate the power of parent presence in the school.  Volunteer in your child's class.  Sign up to help with PTA and school events.  The message to children is that they are important to you, and school is important enough for you to make time to be there.  The message to educators in your child's school is that you are willing to work with them and support their efforts.
• Another often repeated solution that can't be ignored in the discussion of solving behavior problems is listening to your child.  It sounds easy, but I often find the parent side of me forgetting something so simple.  Several days ago I was listening to (or perhaps trying to tune out) my daughter complaining for the 5th time that week about sitting by the cold air conditioner in her classroom.  "Can't you just wear a jacket?"  I heard myself asking her.  The you're-not-listening-to-me look on her face brought me to my senses.  I can't remember how I actually corrected the conversation, and that probably isn't important.  I was reminded of the importance of listening a few minutes later when she told me she had already asked the teacher to be moved and the teacher told her she'd look for other ways to seat students when she moves them around in a few days.  I offered praise for her thinking about solving the problem.  She wasn't looking for solutions.  She was looking for a connection and a listening ear.  (Does the "walking up hill both ways" lecture ring a bell for anyone?)
• Ask yourself if you're respectful of authority.  How does your child overhear you talking about your boss or the police officer who gave you a speeding ticket?  Their equivalent is the authority figures at school.  Do you speak respectfully of teachers?  One year my son was assigned to a particularly difficult teacher.  My initial mantra was that we all have to deal with difficult people in our lives, and encouraged him to recognize that even though he might not like her personality, she was a good teacher and he could learn from her.  Later that same year, I found myself furious after an encounter with her.  I compromised on my idyllic mantra and together we let down our guard and came up with a nickname for his teacher that we agreed we could only use outside of school.  I told him we still had to respect her and he was still required to meet her requirements for the class (no matter how unreasonable we all thought they were), but we could laugh a little while trying to meet the unreasonable expectations and were able to strike a balance.
•  Which brings me to the next important suggestion.  HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!  Neither humor or worry will make a problem disappear, but it's a lot easier to deal with problems if you can laugh at them.  I could go on and on about the benefits of humor...perhaps in another blog.  Make sure your sense of humor doesn't cross the line to laughing at your children, then as long as you're in check, go ahead and LAUGH!
• Be realistic about your child's abilities.  Children often act out to compensate for or detract from what they perceive as weaknesses or inadequacies in themselves.  It isn't wrong to have high expectations of children.  In fact, being realistic goes both ways.  Parents underestimate their children's abilities and become enablers every day, which is just as detrimental to a child's well-being as pushing them too hard and expecting too much.  Academics are important, but children can't access the cognitive skills necessary for learning if they're preoccupied with anxiety about their performance.  Similarly, parents often make excuses for children's poor behavior, and expect their children to fail before they even try.  They ask for exceptions because (in their words) their child is incapable of performing the tasks required of them.  IEP's and 504's are a discussion for another day, but they are available for children who need help so they can perform tasks required of them, not as a means of excusing them from performing at their highest potential.
• And lastly, try exploring the cause of the behavior.  Most people haven't heard of a functional behavioral analysis (FBA).  It sounds complicated, and in fact should be performed by someone trained in observing behaviors, but the concept itself is quite simple.  It's based on the concept of behavior performing a function.  Someone trained to observe behavior (usually available through your school or school district) can identify antecedents, settings where the behavior occurs, frequency of problem behaviors, whether or not the child truly understands expectations, hidden secondary gains for the behavior, and coping skills and abilities the child can use to solve the problem differently.  An FBA is an intervention that does take time and goes beyond simple behavioral modification to discover the needs at the root of the problem behaviors.  You'll hear professionals who deal with children in the field of mental health often repeat, "Behavior has meaning."  It always does.  It isn't always easy to discover, but just a few of the the payoffs could be fewer headaches for you, and a student who gains a sense of competence in school.  

If you're willing to try something new, the results might surprise you.  The struggles won't disappear, but the door to learning new skills and strategies will be open.

Back To School Month

Take a minute to think about the greatest stressors of your life.  You know, the ones where large amounts of chocolate, Valium, or Xanax might have been considered as coping strategies.  Any school related experiences come to mind?  Stress about grades?  Worry about friends and social situations?  Test anxiety?

Ok, so maybe school stress isn't chocolate or Valium worthy, but for many families it certainly ranks right up there.  For parents there's the stress of schedule changes, daily lunch preparation, fees, forms, class disclosures, arranging after-school activities, homework supervision, supply lists, volunteering in classrooms....  It's endless.  For kids there's stress about teachers, rules, friends, recess, locker combinations, getting to class on time, and somehow managing to do all the above while looking cool, calm and collected in order to avoid becoming a target for bullying.

Chocolate anyone?

During the month of September the focus of blog posts will be "Back to School Month." Look for ideas through the month about managing the stress of school challenges, as well as information about help for students who have difficulty in school.  If you know me you know I like to keep it real.  Let's face it; if there was a magic bullet we wouldn't be discussing these issues.  Hopefully sharing ideas and creating dialogue is helpful and a step toward finding solutions.  Feel free to post comments, questions and ideas.  Join the discussion!

They Don't Come With A Manual

The first time I heard someone say, "They don't come with a manual," was in the hospital when my first son was born.  If I had a dollar for every time since then I've wished there was a manual...

But even though that manual doesn't exist, our struggles with parenting issues are real.  This blog is dedicated to those parenting struggles, whether kids have mental health issues or not.  My goal is to use my experience as a children's mental health therapist, combined with my experience as a parent to address the difficult parenting challenges we all face every day.

Look for more in the weeks to come!