Class clowns really are quite funny, and not every class clown creates problems for parents and educators. For many clowning types, it's just part of their nature to put on a show. They draw laughs because they are funny, and most in-it-for-the-show clowns seem to sense boundaries and aren't as likely to cause behavior problems in a classroom. Other students, whose poor attempts at clowning fall into the category of behavior problems aren't as lucky. They struggle with impulsivity, boundaries, and authority. Still others seem to completely lack a social sense of what others around them consider funny, and their behavior frequently crosses lines of appropriateness. Whether they're in it for the fun, or struggling with severe behavioral issues, every class clown will eventually learn: Laugh and the class laughs with you... But you get detention alone.
And most parents of children with behavior problems also feel alone. I can't begin to count the number of parents who have said to me, "His teacher said he needs more discipline," or "I can tell the school thinks we're bad parents." In a parent group I ran for several years, parents identified with each other over this issue almost weekly. I truly believe that educators do the most they can every day with often limited resources, and it is the role of parents to work with educators to solve problems that impede their child's education.
At the same time, if you're a parent who finds yourself cringing when you see the school's phone number pop up on caller ID you can also probably relate on some level to the feelings described above. If only good parenting could solve all behavior problems...
Parenting and school issues aside, a focus on educating children is the motivation behind solving behavior problems. Wouldn't it be great if there was a list that would make behavior problems disappear entirely? Meanwhile, back in the real world here are some ideas parents might find helpful:
- As simple as it sounds, don't underestimate the power of parent presence in the school. Volunteer in your child's class. Sign up to help with PTA and school events. The message to children is that they are important to you, and school is important enough for you to make time to be there. The message to educators in your child's school is that you are willing to work with them and support their efforts.
- Another often repeated solution that can't be ignored in the discussion of solving behavior problems is listening to your child. It sounds easy, but I often find the parent side of me forgetting something so simple. Several days ago I was listening to (or perhaps trying to tune out) my daughter complaining for the 5th time that week about sitting by the cold air conditioner in her classroom. "Can't you just wear a jacket?" I heard myself asking her. The you're-not-listening-to-me look on her face brought me to my senses. I can't remember how I actually corrected the conversation, and that probably isn't important. I was reminded of the importance of listening a few minutes later when she told me she had already asked the teacher to be moved and the teacher told her she'd look for other ways to seat students when she moves them around in a few days. I offered praise for her thinking about solving the problem. She wasn't looking for solutions. She was looking for a connection and a listening ear. (Does the "walking up hill both ways" lecture ring a bell for anyone?)
- Ask yourself if you're respectful of authority. How does your child overhear you talking about your boss or the police officer who gave you a speeding ticket? Their equivalent is the authority figures at school. Do you speak respectfully of teachers? One year my son was assigned to a particularly difficult teacher. My initial mantra was that we all have to deal with difficult people in our lives, and encouraged him to recognize that even though he might not like her personality, she was a good teacher and he could learn from her. Later that same year, I found myself furious after an encounter with her. I compromised on my idyllic mantra and together we let down our guard and came up with a nickname for his teacher that we agreed we could only use outside of school. I told him we still had to respect her and he was still required to meet her requirements for the class (no matter how unreasonable we all thought they were), but we could laugh a little while trying to meet the unreasonable expectations and were able to strike a balance.
- Which brings me to the next important suggestion. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR! Neither humor or worry will make a problem disappear, but it's a lot easier to deal with problems if you can laugh at them. I could go on and on about the benefits of humor...perhaps in another blog. Make sure your sense of humor doesn't cross the line to laughing at your children, then as long as you're in check, go ahead and LAUGH!
- Be realistic about your child's abilities. Children often act out to compensate for or detract from what they perceive as weaknesses or inadequacies in themselves. It isn't wrong to have high expectations of children. In fact, being realistic goes both ways. Parents underestimate their children's abilities and become enablers every day, which is just as detrimental to a child's well-being as pushing them too hard and expecting too much. Academics are important, but children can't access the cognitive skills necessary for learning if they're preoccupied with anxiety about their performance. Similarly, parents often make excuses for children's poor behavior, and expect their children to fail before they even try. They ask for exceptions because (in their words) their child is incapable of performing the tasks required of them. IEP's and 504's are a discussion for another day, but they are available for children who need help so they can perform tasks required of them, not as a means of excusing them from performing at their highest potential.
- And lastly, try exploring the cause of the behavior. Most people haven't heard of a functional behavioral analysis (FBA). It sounds complicated, and in fact should be performed by someone trained in observing behaviors, but the concept itself is quite simple. It's based on the concept of behavior performing a function. Someone trained to observe behavior (usually available through your school or school district) can identify antecedents, settings where the behavior occurs, frequency of problem behaviors, whether or not the child truly understands expectations, hidden secondary gains for the behavior, and coping skills and abilities the child can use to solve the problem differently. An FBA is an intervention that does take time and goes beyond simple behavioral modification to discover the needs at the root of the problem behaviors. You'll hear professionals who deal with children in the field of mental health often repeat, "Behavior has meaning." It always does. It isn't always easy to discover, but just a few of the the payoffs could be fewer headaches for you, and a student who gains a sense of competence in school.
If you're willing to try something new, the results might surprise you. The struggles won't disappear, but the door to learning new skills and strategies will be open.
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