Adoption Language: Why It Matters

"Are these your real parents?"

"How many real children do you have?"

"Why did you get taken away from your parents?

"How could you give up a child?"

"The agency is helping us find a baby."

Rita Laws, an adoptive parent and author, wrote the following about adoption language:

Natural child:  Any child who is not artificial
Real parent:  Any parent who is not imaginary
Your own child:  Any child who is not someone else's child
Adopted child:  A natural child, with real parents, who is all my own.

She humorously sheds light on the need for awareness of the language we use when discussing adoption.  A lot of people hear about respectful adoption language and think it's just a politically correct or sensitive way of speaking about adoption.  While that is partially true, the way in which we speak about adoption is much, much more.

Language evokes emotion.  It is both direct and subtle, intentional and accidental.  Each word and and inflection carries with it complexity from which our minds learn to decipher meaning.  From language we understand intent:  sincerity, sarcasm, uncertainty, energy, healing, and hurt.  There are a lot of theories about how we develop language and begin to communicate with our environment.  Included in most theories are the elements of imitation and emotion and the influence of environmental and social conditions.  As parents and adults, our communication with children becomes the foundation of the narratives for their lives.  Narrative psychology refers to the way in which human beings deal with experience both through the construction of narratives and listening to the narratives and stories of others.  In other words, our behaviors are connected to our stories, and our stories are formed through the use of language.  How important is it then, to make language intentional and purposeful in speaking with others about adoption?

Imagine the following narratives from the perspective of a child:

• A child hears a parent tell another adult they have "couldn't have children" so they "had to adopt," vs. a parent saying they decided to parent through adoption, or that they built or created their family through adoption.  It's the difference between a story built on a second-best choice vs. an intent to parent children or process by which a family was formed.
• A child hears an adult say to a parent who is adopting, "They're so lucky to have you," vs. a comment that "We just love your family."  One statement communicates love and support for a group of people whose bonds were formed through adoption, and one isolates the child's life as accidental rather than intentional.  (Most adoptive parents would say they're the "lucky" ones.)
• A child is adopted vs. was adopted.  It's amazing how changing one tiny word can shift the meaning of a statement from that of isolated identity (is adopted) vs. a description of the process by which a child entered a family (was adopted).
• An adult discusses a birth mother who gave up a child vs. a birth mother who placed a child through adoption.  The change in wording shifts the meaning from one of abandonment or rejection to one of a planned parenting choice about what was best for a child.

Other terms that matter when discussing adoption (the positive/respectful term is first and the negative term is second):

• Birth parent or biological parent vs. real parent or parent.
• Birth child/biological child vs. own child or real child
• My child vs. adopted child or own child
• Court terminated or rights terminated vs. child removed or child taken away
• Parenting choice vs. keeping or giving up
• Child placed through adoption vs. given up for adoption
• Child placed for adoption vs. unwanted child
• Planning to adopt vs. finding a baby or child
• Intercountry or international adoption vs. foreign adoption
• Child adopted from (country) vs. foreign child
• Citizenship status vs. alien or foreign status
• Child's rights vs. parent's rights
• Medical or special needs vs. something wrong or handicapped
• Waiting child or child vs. adoptable or available child

The list could go on and on, and as with all language choices, awareness is the key to being deliberate about communication.  In the month of adoption awareness, the message that language does matter can be spread in how we choose to talk about adoption.  Words become narratives which become life stories about human beings.

Remember:  "A good story cannot be devised.  It has to be distilled."  Raymond Chandler