Yelling, shouting, and hostile responses are often the result of boundary violations. The eruptions are secondary to emotions that aren't expressed, such as hurt, shame, and disappointment. Passive responses are equally destructive because they lead to resentment and anger which can leak out in vindictive and hostile actions.
Anger in either form is considered an ultimate boundary. The clear message is, "Don't mess with me," and the end result is that those around us will give up trying. The chance of an uncaring response or angry explosion isn't worth the human risk of crossing boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are simply a recognition that I exist separately from you. Where healthy boundaries exist, you are able to let go of the outcome. When you set a boundary and find yourself following up with reminders, prompts, and even bribes, you sacrifice boundaries for control and the clear message is, "I'm afraid I'm not enough," or "I don't trust myself." The end result is relationships which become locked in a struggle of boundary attempts vs. manipulation.
The two keys to setting healthy boundaries are:
- Emotional honesty, i.e. being able to express how we feel without hurting others. This doesn't mean waiting until we feel safe or waiting until we can guarantee the outcome to express ourselves. It is simply recognizing a feeling, owning it, and expressing it in the form of a healthy response.
- Emotional responsibility, i.e. taking responsibility for our responses. This includes owning and acknowledging a full range of emotions, from excitement and love to disappointment, frustration, and anger. Equally important is being able to extend apologies when our emotional responses may have been hurtful to others, or may have crossed another person's boundaries.
The end result is a cycle of healthy boundaries. Others become safe to feel hurt when they know you will extend a repair or sincere apology, and they become equally free to express love and affection.
No comments:
Post a Comment