Mothers of Special Needs Children

In a few days it will be Mother's Day.  Moms:  May your day be filled sticky hugs, sloppy kisses, and a refrigerator front filled with hand-made cards and neatly scrawled sentiments about mothers.

Do you know a mother of a special needs child?  Are you the mother of a child with special needs?

The job of mothering is a difficult one at best.  It is filled with sacrifices, battles, and thankless tasks that never seem to end.  Whether you're married or single, rich or poor, domestic diva or kitchen klutz; whether you're a stay-at-home mom or you work outside the home, or whether you're a mom to children by birth or adoption...or simply by nurturing and loving all the children you meet...  No matter your individual circumstances as a mother, you know that mothering is one of the most difficult and challenging tasks women share.

Add to that the task of parenting a child with special needs, and the task becomes exceptionally difficult and challenging.  I realize that special needs is a broad category.  It can include (to name just a few) parenting children with behavioral and mental health challenges, children with complicated medical histories, children who suffer trauma and abuse, children who are adopted, children who struggle to learn, children who struggle to make friends, children with any range of developmental delays, children  who struggle with physical limitations and disabilities, and many many other possible combinations of complications parents face raising children.

In my mental health practice, I help parents and children deal with a variety of the issues mentioned above, and almost always, by the time I see them, they've tried multiple interventions, been to doctor appointments of multiple specialties, struggled in school, and struggled at home.  They're frequently the object of comments from others, sometimes well-meaning, and sometimes just mean.

One of the first things I find myself discussing with parents in this situation is their own mental health, self-care, and support systems in dealing with the complications of raising a child with special needs.  I want them to know more than anything that it is not bad parenting that causes psychiatric, behavioral, or developmental disorders, but it takes an exceptional parent to dig down deep into reservoirs of untapped strength to raise this child.

That said, the risk of burn-out to parents of children with special needs is high.  Elizabeth Blackburn (winner of Nobel Prize for Psychology or Medicine 2009) studied mothers who raised special needs children over the course of ten years.  She found that mothers of special needs children experienced a shortening of telomeres (protective end of chromosomes).  This process could cause an average of 9-12 years decrease in life expectancy of these mothers.  This is a biological condition similar to what is experienced by combat soldiers.  Increases in other hormones associated with stress also contribute to autoimmune disorders, diabetes, and other chronic health problems.  Certainly, constant stressors of that level go beyond those experienced by other mothers.

It is not only a good idea, but a necessary one, for mothers of children with special needs to seek support and care for themselves.  Here are some ideas of how that can be accomplished.

1. Build Social Supports:  Although difficult to build and maintain, support systems are life-saving.  Social supports are often the only source of much-needed respite.  Many parents of children with special needs say that as they try to build social supports through traditional means (church, school, neighborhood, work), their special needs children create too much stress for friends and other parents to understand and their support systems disappear.  This can be a huge barrier to finding social support, and many parents give up.  Consider social support in tiers with community support being the outer tier, a layer which many families don't have to access frequently.  Children with special needs often have access to community or school programs and resources that other children don't have.  Start with those groups and make friends with like-minded people who can share in child-care and other ideas for respite.  As you do, the outer tier of support becomes an inner, more natural support system.  Also consider looking for funding for respite care provided by trained caregivers.  There are also support groups for parents of children with special needs where it is possible to connect with other parents and build support systems.  Family is another source of built-in support.  If you have children with special needs and live far away from family, ask yourself:  Who lives locally who can give me the same support?  Do you have friends or community groups who have become like family to you?  If not, is it a possibility to move closer to family?  (I work with one family who recently relocated from another state for that very reason and it has made a huge difference in the couple's marriage to have additional support.)  And just a caution:  While internet groups can be helpful and provide sources of contact and information, they lack the human touch that will decrease stress hormones and provide hands on care and support that parents of children with special needs will require.
2. Take Care of You:  Moms of children with special needs will frequently say they don't have time for themselves.  I ran a group for parents of children with special needs for several years, and I was persistent at getting parents to identify things they did for themselves each week during our group check-in.  At first there weren't many responses, but after the question had been out there for several weeks, I started to get answers:  I started taking vitamins...  I went to the doctor...  My mom watched my son while I got a pedicure...  I went out to dinner with my sister...  I painted my bedroom...  I started taking walks with my son...  I went back to bed after my child went to school...  Moms in the group even started sharing ideas of where they could get low-cost haircuts, nails, massages, etc.  All the little things you do for yourself add up to decreased stress and improved health.  If the well is empty, you can't give what your child needs most.
3. Accept Things As They Are:  It's difficult to know when to be a mom warrior (required for mothers of children with special needs) and when to let it go.  If you're starting to feel like you're fighting just to fight...for something...anything...that could help your child, then do a quick assessment of your efforts.  How much time are you putting in?  What are the results?  Are the difficult lifestyle and dietary changes making a difference or are they complicating life in hopes of making a difference?  Are you spending hundreds of dollars a month on supplements and procedures that promise hope and don't deliver?  What would you do with that time and money if you didn't have to make those efforts?  Certainly health is important, but truly assess the progress of your child under each intervention.  Interventions should produce progress, and if they don't, consider different approaches.  Seeking healing and improvement is certainly a necessary part of treatment, but also consider the long-term effects of constantly trying to change or improve the disability vs. enjoying the unique abilities of that child or your family.  Also consider the needs of other family members and the impact of interventions on their sense of normalcy.  Family life is important also.  Interventions are excessive if they take away from every day human interactions (which by the way, are very healing).
4. Don't Forget to Live:  Most likely, the challenges of special needs aren't going away.  As stated above, expend a reasonable amount of effort into the care of your child, but don't forget to live.  Do you enjoy life?  Do you enjoy relationships?  Do you enjoy your children (even the ones with special needs)?  Do you have hobbies and interests outside your children?  Do you and your spouse share a relationship that isn't focused on parenting and medical or therapy visits?  I know one family raising a child with autism who leaves him with family while they go on vacation.  He hates vacations anyway.  It took them years to get to that point, but they enjoy their other children in a different way and notice that their bonding and interactions with their other children improve during those times.  They say that when they look at family vacation pictures, there is always a little pang of sadness that their child with autism isn't a part of those memories, but they celebrate a life they now enjoy when managing his melt-downs no longer controls their lifestyle, and their child with autism is much, much happier in his own home under the watchful care of relatives who are willing to provide that support.  That may not be the answer for everyone, but it is an example of adaptations that work.

The task of parenting special needs children is a difficult one.

Remember:  It takes an exceptional parent to dig down deep into reservoirs of untapped strengths to raise this child.

The honest truth is this:  If the reservoirs aren't there, the unique things you have to offer aren't available either...  Your experience is uniquely your own.

Don't forget to live!

(If you know a  with a special needs child, consider watching their child, or taking them out to lunch...    Celebrate their experience in motherhood.  Help them build their circle of support.)

You Are A Good Parent

Theme for October...drum roll please!

Ok, so I'm not really sure I have a theme for October yet, but parenting has been on my mind a lot lately, so I'll go with that.

"You are a good parent."

...Words we love to hear, but don't hear often enough.

Prior to starting my private practice I led a weekly parent-child relationship group.  It was part of a cluster of groups where parents met in one room while their children met separately to work on social and relationship skills.  The children of said parents were kiddos who struggled in practically every setting.  They were children with Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Attachment Disorder...and the list goes on.  Parenting these children was a particular challenge, hence the parenting group.

Needless to say, parents often come to group exhausted and discouraged, with little progress to report, and they were honest about it.  Parents new to the group were always pleasantly surprised and relieved to hear they weren't the only ones struggling.  Group check in frequently became an update on the week's disasters.  It wasn't uncommon for parents to keep tabs on whose son or daughter was kicked out of daycare or suspended from school.  Parents often expressed frustration at hearing well-meaning peers, co-workers, neighbors, and teachers hint that their child's problem was a case of bad parenting.  I believe, and frequently tried to reinforce to the group, that they were exceptional parents who were dealing with issues that many parents will never experience; problems which required them daily to reach down deep inside themselves to find a level of parenting they didn't know existed.

I remember one week that seemed abnormally tough for most of the parents.  During our group check-in, I heard parent after parent describe their week.

"My son dumped craft paint all over a newly painted, newly carpeted room at daycare.  On purpose!"


"We had a huge meltdown at the grocery store and I have huge bruises on my legs and arms from trying to carry my son to the car."


"Someone called DCFS on us...same neighbor, for the eighth time."

I could tell that on that particular night the group needed a little more than the usual "hoorah" for their efforts.  Earlier that same week I had watched a television interview on the news of a mother discussing her toddler's recovery after he had nearly drowned in the bathtub.  She had stepped away for only a minute, but that's all it took.  During the television interview the mother said, "I know I'm a good mom."  That statement stuck with me because I could tell when she said it she believed it.  Inside I celebrated because I knew that her little boy would not have to grow up in the shadow of his mother's guilt at having walked away from the bathtub for only a minute.  She could forgive herself.  They could enjoy the gift of life they had been given.  In the heirarchy of importance to a child, it was a blessing equal to that little boy's life.  Every child deserves to look into their parent's eyes and see delight.  (See more on the story here.)

As I shared the story with my group, a mom in the back of the room started to cry, first little tears, but before long she was sobbing.     Other parents shared tears as well.  One by one they began to express hurt and anger at the the invalidating things they so often hear from others about their children.  It seemed that everyone had an opinion about their child, and everyone had advice, yet no one but them had to walk in their shoes all day, every day without a break.  In the fatigue of their lives, fun was often lost to function, and they were operating in survival mode.

Under ordinary circumstances, being able to say, "I'm a good parent," isn't always easy.  We beat ourselves up for everything...missed appointments, late homework, dirty laundry, a sink full of dishes.

I've done it too.  On the day of the group I mentioned above, I remember listening to the group and thinking about my own day.  I hadn't left myself enough time that morning and had rushed my kids, and doled out my own share of mommy guilt for being impatient with them.  I had also remembered half way through the day that I missed a soccer sign up for my daughter.

So how much more difficult is it for parents of children with emotional and behavioral difficulties, who hear constantly about the problems their child is having, to feel good about being a parent?  It isn't what they expected it would be, and everyone and everything in their world reinforces to them that they should be different, or their child should be different.

I came across this online video again a few days ago, and posted it to facebook.  It's an essay by Emily Pearl Kingsley, the mother of a child with Downs Syndrome.  Emily was a writer for the PBS children's program, Sesame Street.  Early in her career, Emily gave birth to a son with Downs Syndrome.  Subsequently, she used her work to create awareness of children with special needs, and people with disabilities were often included in the show's programming.  I think she beautifully captures what it means to be the parent of a child with any type of disability.



Remember:  "You are a good parent."  Go hug that kid and tell them you love them and are glad you're on this journey with them.

When Simple Interventions Don't Work: IEP and 504 Suggestions

Helen Keller once said, "One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."  What acknowledgement of the spark within every human spirit to find fulfillment in life!

Miss Keller's own life became a representation of this ideal.  As the first deaf-blind person to earn a college degree, she became one of the pioneers of political activism and advocacy for people with disabilities.  In spite of her personal accomplishments, her political views were unpopular and antagonists questioned her intelligence.  Ironic, isn't it?  I love her response.  Referring to critics as "socially blind and deaf,"  she stated, "The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision."  

In a century where it is now commonplace to see children with physical and mental disabilities receiving an education alongside typically developing children, it would seem that we have caught the vision.  Regardless, laws to protect the educational rights of children have received both praise and criticism.  As you can imagine, implementation of such laws is as varied as the states and individual districts across our country.  Factors such as varying budgets and student population require a wide range of adaptation, begging the concern that the individual needs of students are lost in the process of protecting their rights.  Is it possible that Helen Keller's description of sight with no vision might still apply?

The words IEP and 504 might seem foreign if you're unfamiliar with the educational world of a child with disabilities.  IEP stands for Individualized Education Plan, and was a product of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).  504 Accommodtions refers specifically to section 504 of the The Rehabilitation Act and Americans with Disabilities Act which protects the rights of individuals with disabilities to participate in federally funded activities. (Yes folks, that includes public school.)

To differentiate between the need for an IEP or a 504, think academic progress vs. academic access.  IEP's focus more on helping a student to progress toward grade-level goals.  A 504 is an accommodation that gives children access to educational services.

The need for both IEP's and 504's is based on eligibility.  A specific delay, disability, impairment, or illness must be identified, and it must be shown that the condition affects the child's ability to perform in school.  The second part of that eligibility requirement is frequently overlooked.  Imagine the cost to school systems if every child with any identified illness or disability was required to receive special educational services.


That said, once a child has been found eligible, the possibilities are limitless for educational goals and accommodations.  You could read all day about IEP and 504 Accommodations via the search engine on  your computer, and if you're interested in learning more, that isn't a bad idea.  Parents should educate themselves before beginning the eligibility process with their child.  I've seen educators who do an excellent job of recognizing the unique educational needs of children who struggle (applause!).  Unfortunately, there are schools out there who seem to count on the fact that a lot of parents don't understand their rights in the eligibility process.  If you're concerned your school might fall into the latter category, here are some great examples of resources to get you started on becoming an informed participant in your child's IEP or 504 process.

• Wright's law--Information about laws affecting special education
• 504 Accommodations--Lists of common reasons for accommodations and accommodation ideas
• NAMI--National Alliance on Mental Illness (click on the tab at the top to find your local NAMI).  NAMI has representatives who will go to school team meetings as advocates for parents/children and support groups for parents trying to access resources for their children.
• Other parents--Sorry.  No web link to that one, but one of the best resources is getting involved in play groups, school activities, church groups, etc. where you will meet other parents and realize you're not alone!  If your touring a foreign country for the first time, it's better to go with a guide.

The parent role in the process of gaining services is critical.  I've seen parents show up to meetings without really participating.  They sign forms and give permission and approval for interventions without being more than a token part of the process.  Parents, your role is critical.  I'll say it again.  No one knows a child better than the parents.  Parents often feel that their goals are at odds with those of the school or educational system.  In reality, the goals are often the same, with both sides working for what they feel is in the best interest of the child, but the roles are different.  Returning to Helen Keller's quote about vision vs. sight, parents are are the vision while professionals are the sight.  That is the reality of different roles.  Professionals are familiar with interventions, skills, requirements, and laws affecting the ongoing eligibility of children receiving special education services.  Parents provide insight into history, strengths, and abilities and should not minimize their role in the process.  Below are other common mistakes parents make in seeking services for their child:

• Becoming adversarial--The old saying is true that you catch more flies with honey.  If you go into a meeting with a teacher or team of professionals on the defensive, attacking the jobs and roles of people who are helping your child, do you really think they'll walk out of the meeting saying, "Wow.  Johnny's mom is right.  We really need to step it up."  Not likely.  To maintain your cool, even when frustrated, picture yourself as part of a professional team.  Educate yourself about the process and your rights, take notes in meetings, ask informed questions, and provide concrete examples of your observations.  
• Lack of documentation--Part of the process of eligibility for services is written requests for services.  Written requests also establish a timeline and protect the parent and child in making sure needs are met in a more timely manner.  Check with  your school district for specific requirements for written requests.  Also request documentation from the school regarding meetings, schedules, and actions taken (or not taken).
•   Not requesting an assessment--Frequently parents ask a teacher or other school professional if they think their child could benefit from a particular service.  The teacher's opinion is not an approval or denial of services.  Access to services does not come without an assessment of the child's needs.  Don't forget, the need for assessment is not based solely on the diagnosis/condition, but on a combination of a condition and the child's ability to perform in school.
• Not requesting information that would prepare parents for a team meeting--Remember, you are a part of a team of professionals.  Other professionals on the team will have access to information on your child such as grades, evaluation/assessment results, etc.  Be sure to get copies of this information ahead of time so that you can prepare to be a part of the team discussion.  The purpose of team meetings is not to inform you of assessment results, but to formulate a special education plan for your child based on results.  Parents need to know results ahead of time.
• Feeling rushed--Time limits may be given for meetings, which is understandable given the schedules of school professionals.  As a courtesy to other team members, acknowledge the time, but if you feel the meeting hasn't clearly defined goals, or covered intervention options, don't hesitate to request a few more minutes, or ask for another meeting.  Also feeling rushed often leaves parents apologizing for asking questions, or leaving questions for later.  Make sure your questions are answered in the meeting.  If you ask a question and it isn't answered, politely acknowledge that you aren't clear on the answer to your question and ask it again if necessary. 
• If it doesn't fit, don't use a bigger hammer!  Sometimes the answer isn't in specialized educational services.  As human beings we adapt and make informal accommodations for ourselves every day.  If we're bothered by a light or noise, we shut it off.  If we're uncomfortable sitting, we move around.  Try talking with a teacher about informal accommodations such as sitting somewhere else in the classroom or reducing a spelling list while the child eases into the school year.  Also, teachers are generally open to discussing educational goals in parent-teacher conferences.  These goals and accommodations aren't an official IEP or 504 plans, but they're the kinds of modifications that help teach children valuable skills about adapting to life.  Maybe the answer isn't a huge, formalized process.

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."  If disorders are getting in the way of soaring, we live in a time and place where rights to an education for all are protected by law.  It is my belief that most children want to soar.  It is our obligation to use laws and systems to help them do just that.

The other day I was cutting out a label on my daughter's ballet skirt.  The white label showing through the sheer black fabric bothered me (and her), so it was coming off.  As I cut the label, I glanced at what I was throwing away.  Size...just a number.  Company label...don't need it.  Care instructions...here I paused to read.   Wash with similar fabrics, tumble dry low, do not iron...all potentially important instructions, but I'd just have to rely on memory and common sense.  As long as that annoying white label wasn't showing, it didn't matter.

Maybe you get where I'm going with this.  How important are labels in helping to educate students with disabilities?  Like the label in my daughter's dance skirt, most disability labels aren't pretty.  They're functional.  If we remove the label, can we trust our common sense to provide for a child's educational needs?

There's a lot of information out there cautioning against labeling children, and the concerns are valid.  1)  Self fulfilling prophecy:  Do children come to identify themselves and their abilities based on a label?  2)  Over diagnosis and over labeling:  Do schools (and mental health practitioners) diagnose more than they have in the past and is a diagnosis really necessary?  3)  Generalization:  Labels are, by nature, generalizations.  They fail to recognize a child's unique limitations and strengths.  4)  Socialization:  Even though children with disabilities often struggle socially, there is criticism that labeling could cause the child to be singled out further by peers.

We're all familiar with individuals we know personally who we think may meet the criteria for diagnosis of a mental health disorder.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  A serious mental illness is partially defined by a lack of functioning in daily life skills.  If children can compensate and function in school and home environment, a diagnosis may not necessarily serve them.  You've heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

So to label or not to label?  And does labeling help a student who is struggling academically?

The answer to that question is more likely to be individual than general.  Each parent and educator has to examine the pros and cons for students on an individual basis.  Personally, I'm not opposed to labeling a child if it helps in treatment and access to services in schools that can help a child succeed academically.  That said, here are a few tips and cautions to consider in the label or not labeling debate:

Tips:

• Seek accurate and differential diagnosis.  Work with clinicians that coordinate care with multiple resources, including school and medical professionals.  Collaborative efforts lead to a more clear and accurate picture of what is happening with a child.  I've seen parents complete an evaluation form for ADHD where all the criteria pointing toward a diagnosis were marked, only to have the teacher complete the same evaluation form for the same child indicating that the child meets few or none of the diagnostic criteria in the school environment (and vice versa).  Generally, to meet diagnostic criteria, symptoms exist across a variety of settings.   
• Which leads to the next tip:  Rule out other causative factors first.  Perhaps there is something going on in the home or school environment that better explains the child's symptoms.  Perhaps there is a dietary or medical condition contributing to the symptoms.  This is actually fairly common.  Everyone is different, but personally I'm in favor of the lowest level of intervention possible which is best accomplished by examining a wide range of contributing factors.  
• Medication may not be the intervention of choice for every child, but in cases where medication is indicated as the best treatment option, a diagnosis (label) is necessary.  As I've already said, I'm a huge fan of ruling out all causative factors and focusing on moderate interventions first, but that's not the answer for everyone.  One of the most important developmental tasks of school-aged children is to develop competence.  This requires self-mastry, relating with others, engaging in social relationships, and completing tasks successfully, all of which are difficult for children with any type of mental disability.  If medication can help a child achieve that particular developmental milestone with success, it should be considered as a treatment option.  
• Trust your instincts.  Parents generally know their children better than anyone else and should never apologize for advocating for their child.  Professionals have access to information parents don't have which could be helpful to the parent and the child, but the application of that knowledge is incomplete without guidance from the people who know the child best.  Parents, don't abdicate your judgement to professionals.  Ask questions, get answers, then make a decision that you feel is in the best interest of your child.

Cautions:

• Don't use (or allow the child to use) the label as a crutch.  As a practitioner, I am disheartened when I hear a parent or teacher refer to their child (even indirectly) as incapable because of a diagnosis.  Children with ADHD can do anything other children can do.  They might have to do it differently, but they develop that all-important sense of competence when they are given skills to succeed.  Similarly, children's negative behavior should not be dismissed because of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis is not a get-out-of-life free card.  Frequently I ask parents to picture their child with a physical disability, maybe dwarfism, or a hearing impairment.  Would you want that child to never pursue the same goals and ambitions as other children simply because of a disability?  Or picture an adult criminal who justifies a crime because they happen to have some type of disability.  None of us want to live in that kind of world, and learning the connection between actions and consequences starts before adulthood.
• Next, parents should not rely solely on school resources for diagnosis and treatment.  School systems do a great job of educating children.  As part of that educational process, they are required to maintain a staff of professionals to help children succeed academically.  Professionals such as teacher's aides, speech and language pathologists, school psychologists, and occupational therapists (among others) are hired by a district and are frequently spread between several different schools.  Their focus (as it should be) is on helping children to function in the school environment.  Functioning in a school environment is important for future success, but functioning across all settings is also important.  Include professionals in your child's treatment that will collaborate with school professionals on treatment rather than relying completely on school professionals for treatment.
• Don't give up!  Every school, class, teacher, and intervention is not right for every child.  Too often I see parents react angrily when their child's needs aren't being met in school.  The child's needs are best met if parents keep trying.  The answers don't come immediately, and schools are operated by human professionals who do their best to help children succeed.  There is no guarantee of perfect results.  We know that, but it's difficult for parents to remember when they see their child struggle.  As parents of children with special needs know, there are good days and bad days (even though sometimes it seems as if there are only bad days and worse days).  Tomorrow is a new day.  Try something new.  It might work.  

Returning to the ballet skirt example, there will be times when a label clearly doesn't serve a purpose.  Common sense and good judgement are sufficient, and the freedom of removing the label outweighs the need for the label.  There are other times the label may contain detailed and important information.  Like clothes, not all children are of the wash and wear variety.  Some require specific care instructions or services to continue to function.  In the school setting those special care instructions come in the form of IEP's and 504 Accommodations.  (Look for the next post about using these resources and accommodations to help children in school.)  Unlike the very general dry clean only instructions in clothing, they're specifically tailored to the educational needs of each child and can be a great asset to children, parents and educators.

The bottom line:  It's up to you.  Don't be too quick to get out the scissors and start cutting if a label is the source of meeting your child's needs.  Ask questions and trust your judgement.  This is your journey.

Laugh And The Class Laughs With You...

Honestly, deep down we all love a good class clown.  "Bueller? ...Bueller?  ...Bueller?"  Or if you're in the generation that missed Ferris Bueller, maybe it was Bart Simpson that made you laugh.  Either way, it's difficult to resist funny.  And teachers who can smile through being upstaged by the class clown deserve extra merit.


Class clowns really are quite funny, and not every class clown creates problems for parents and educators.  For many clowning types, it's just part of their nature to put on a show.  They draw laughs because they are funny, and most in-it-for-the-show clowns seem to sense boundaries and aren't as likely to cause behavior problems in a classroom.  Other students, whose poor attempts at clowning fall into the category of behavior problems aren't as lucky.  They struggle with impulsivity, boundaries, and authority.  Still others seem to completely lack a social sense of what others around them consider funny, and their behavior frequently crosses lines of appropriateness.  Whether they're in it for the fun, or struggling with severe behavioral issues, every class clown will eventually learn:  Laugh and the class laughs with you... But you get detention alone.

And most parents of children with behavior problems also feel alone.  I can't begin to count the number of parents who have said to me, "His teacher said he needs more discipline," or "I can tell the school thinks we're bad parents."  In a parent group I ran for several years, parents identified with each other over this issue almost weekly.  I truly believe that educators do the most they can every day with often limited resources, and it is the role of parents to work with educators to solve problems that impede their child's education.

At the same time, if you're a parent who finds yourself cringing when you see the school's phone number pop up on caller ID you can also probably relate on some level to the feelings described above.  If only good parenting could solve all behavior problems...

Parenting and school issues aside, a focus on educating children is the motivation behind solving behavior problems.  Wouldn't it be great if there was a list that would make behavior problems disappear entirely?  Meanwhile, back in the real world here are some ideas parents might find helpful:

• As simple as it sounds, don't underestimate the power of parent presence in the school.  Volunteer in your child's class.  Sign up to help with PTA and school events.  The message to children is that they are important to you, and school is important enough for you to make time to be there.  The message to educators in your child's school is that you are willing to work with them and support their efforts.
• Another often repeated solution that can't be ignored in the discussion of solving behavior problems is listening to your child.  It sounds easy, but I often find the parent side of me forgetting something so simple.  Several days ago I was listening to (or perhaps trying to tune out) my daughter complaining for the 5th time that week about sitting by the cold air conditioner in her classroom.  "Can't you just wear a jacket?"  I heard myself asking her.  The you're-not-listening-to-me look on her face brought me to my senses.  I can't remember how I actually corrected the conversation, and that probably isn't important.  I was reminded of the importance of listening a few minutes later when she told me she had already asked the teacher to be moved and the teacher told her she'd look for other ways to seat students when she moves them around in a few days.  I offered praise for her thinking about solving the problem.  She wasn't looking for solutions.  She was looking for a connection and a listening ear.  (Does the "walking up hill both ways" lecture ring a bell for anyone?)
• Ask yourself if you're respectful of authority.  How does your child overhear you talking about your boss or the police officer who gave you a speeding ticket?  Their equivalent is the authority figures at school.  Do you speak respectfully of teachers?  One year my son was assigned to a particularly difficult teacher.  My initial mantra was that we all have to deal with difficult people in our lives, and encouraged him to recognize that even though he might not like her personality, she was a good teacher and he could learn from her.  Later that same year, I found myself furious after an encounter with her.  I compromised on my idyllic mantra and together we let down our guard and came up with a nickname for his teacher that we agreed we could only use outside of school.  I told him we still had to respect her and he was still required to meet her requirements for the class (no matter how unreasonable we all thought they were), but we could laugh a little while trying to meet the unreasonable expectations and were able to strike a balance.
•  Which brings me to the next important suggestion.  HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!  Neither humor or worry will make a problem disappear, but it's a lot easier to deal with problems if you can laugh at them.  I could go on and on about the benefits of humor...perhaps in another blog.  Make sure your sense of humor doesn't cross the line to laughing at your children, then as long as you're in check, go ahead and LAUGH!
• Be realistic about your child's abilities.  Children often act out to compensate for or detract from what they perceive as weaknesses or inadequacies in themselves.  It isn't wrong to have high expectations of children.  In fact, being realistic goes both ways.  Parents underestimate their children's abilities and become enablers every day, which is just as detrimental to a child's well-being as pushing them too hard and expecting too much.  Academics are important, but children can't access the cognitive skills necessary for learning if they're preoccupied with anxiety about their performance.  Similarly, parents often make excuses for children's poor behavior, and expect their children to fail before they even try.  They ask for exceptions because (in their words) their child is incapable of performing the tasks required of them.  IEP's and 504's are a discussion for another day, but they are available for children who need help so they can perform tasks required of them, not as a means of excusing them from performing at their highest potential.
• And lastly, try exploring the cause of the behavior.  Most people haven't heard of a functional behavioral analysis (FBA).  It sounds complicated, and in fact should be performed by someone trained in observing behaviors, but the concept itself is quite simple.  It's based on the concept of behavior performing a function.  Someone trained to observe behavior (usually available through your school or school district) can identify antecedents, settings where the behavior occurs, frequency of problem behaviors, whether or not the child truly understands expectations, hidden secondary gains for the behavior, and coping skills and abilities the child can use to solve the problem differently.  An FBA is an intervention that does take time and goes beyond simple behavioral modification to discover the needs at the root of the problem behaviors.  You'll hear professionals who deal with children in the field of mental health often repeat, "Behavior has meaning."  It always does.  It isn't always easy to discover, but just a few of the the payoffs could be fewer headaches for you, and a student who gains a sense of competence in school.  

If you're willing to try something new, the results might surprise you.  The struggles won't disappear, but the door to learning new skills and strategies will be open.