The Rules: Keep It Simple

When it comes to parenting, sometimes less is more.  While I'm certainly an advocate of intentional parenting, sometimes standing back and letting things go has it's merits.

Have you ever heard the term, "helicopter mom?"  Hovering leads to exhaustion, which leads to burn-out, and at the exhausted and burned out level, parenting is no longer enjoyable.  "Rules before relationship equals resistance."  Resistance is the level where the fun goes out of parenting.  If parenting becomes all about the routines and the rules, there is little time left to enjoy the relationships that made us all want to be parents to begin with.

A few ideas about keeping rules simple:

• Ask yourself if a rule is necessary for the situation.  Example:  No singing in the car.  That actually used to be a real rule at our house...until the rule became far more annoying than the singing.  The reason behind the rule:  We have a daughter who used to love to sing.  Her rule was to sing anytime, anywhere, the more singing the better.  But what's a girl to do when her brothers think singing is annoying?  Most of the time the answer was (to the brothers), "Go do something else."   Or if she'd been singing for a long time, she could go finish singing in her room.  But what about in the car?  The brothers couldn't get away, and the sister was only happy if she was singing...but since the brothers couldn't get away, the new rule was announced:  No singing in the car.  Then one day a song came on the radio that everyone but one family member wanted to sing.  The one family member whined the whole time that the rule was:  No singing in the car.  Get the picture?  As situations like that came up, it became apparent that the rule created more problems than it solved, and the rule was absolved in favor of lessons about courtesy and kindness.  It's working.  (Mostly.)
• Try the umbrella rule policy:  If one rule "covers" the others, try eliminating a few.  What do the following rules have in common?  1) Don't ride your bike without a helmet.  2)  Wear your seatbelt.  3) Don't leave toys on the stairs.  4) Don't throw things in the house.  See a common thread?  Hint:  They all have to do with safety.  Try the next list:  1)  Eat your vegetables.  2)  Wash your hands after using the bathroom.  3)  Brush your teeth morning and night.  4)  Clean your room.  What do they all have in common?  Hint:  The answer is health.  Imagine being able to replace those 8 rules (and numerous, numerous others) with two rules:  Be safe.  Be healthy.  Then when a child forgets to buckle up, or forgets to wash hands after using the bathroom, simply ask, "Was that safe?" or "Was that healthy?"  Umbrella rules tend to focus on "being" qualities rather than "doing" tasks.  Children gain judgement from learning to generalize a way of being across a variety of settings vs. applying a rule to a limited setting.  Rules like safety and health can encompass everything from cleaning up after yourself to not licking your fingers at the dinner table.  You can ask:  Is it safe to leave your toys on the stairs?  Is it healthy to lick your fingers while you're eating?  Qualities or characteristics important to your family become the new umbrella rules, and can eliminate tedious enforcement.
• Avoid black and white thinking:  In psychology black and white thinking refers to a specific type of thinking error where absolutes are the norm.  Black and white thinking reflects fear and uncertainty of anything unfamiliar.  In parenting it reflects a need for control, and leads to despair and resorting to extreme parenting when things don't go as planned.  Black and white thinking traps parents in a corner.  What is meant to limit and restrict paints rigid lines around a situation that don't allow for flexibility and growth...and certainly limits the quality of relationships.  Parents who engage in black and white thinking find themselves emotionally exhausted, with children ill-prepared to face the variety of life circumstances that only expand as they get older.  Such examples in parenting include:  We don't allow internet in our house.  If you don't like rules, that's tough.  Lying is bad.  All rock music is evil.  Somewhere between black and white lies grey.  If the horrible possibilities of the internet are frightening, try making a list of what you'd like your child to know in order to navigate the internet safely and sit with them while you learn how to navigate the internet together.  Could time limits instead of restrictions solve media problems?  What about lying?  Is it ok to lie if you're planning a surprise party, or talking about the Tooth Fairy?  If a child is lying to get out of trouble, it could be an opportunity to examine what in your relationship with them has them concerned about the rules and not feeling like they can come to you to work through difficult situations.  If lying is bad, does that make the child bad also?  Black and white thinking leads to generalizations about self-worth in children.  Try flexibility instead.

Certainly, rules are an individual parenting decision.  Families need rules to function, but children need flexibility and guidance to grow into human beings that can handle a variety of situations rather than limiting behaviors in a few isolated settings.  Sometimes less really is more.